Afraid All The Time

As I've mentioned a number of times in other blog posts, my wife is mostly vanilla. She likes a little spice but nothing kinky. She seems to tolerate my spanking desires because she loves me and I think she understands how much it means to me. I think she even understands and appreciates that it is therapeutic to me as well. A spanking every now and then derails my depression, reduces my stress, calms me down, and just gets me back on the even keel. It makes me nicer.

That said, there is an additional benefit that I think both of us appreciate: I really show my love for my wife in the days after the spanking. I think there are a couple reasons for this:

• I am just appreciative of her taking care of me. I top from the bottom and, truth be told, I am a bossy bottom. She puts up with that and delivers as best she can. Not only that, but I clearly find it very erotic and get off sort of by myself which means that there is no sexy time for her on spanking days. All that and since she doesn't like to "hurt" me even though I assure her that the goal of the thing is to indeed hurt me, I know that it is a real stretch for her to spank me especially as hard as I need. All this makes me very appreciative.
• In the day and sometimes days after a spanking--if it is a good hard and long spanking--I feel it. The soreness is a constant reminder of what happened and who created that persistent sensation. I can't help thinking about her all the time.
• Undoubtedly, lots of chemicals are involved. I don't remember everything about how it works but I am sure that the delicious overload of chemicals in my head is making me happy and in love.

We talked about this. Well, I had a little soliloquy. I love her all the time but it is so much easier for me to put her first in the days right after a spanking. It just comes natural. I want to serve her and make sure she is happy and comfortable. Cuddling seems like a great idea to me.

I'm just a big selfish guy. I try to love her and make her feel like a princess all the time, but I get lost in myself. It isn't like I only love her and only show her that I do after a spanking. That isn't the case at all. I don't love her move after a spanking but afterwards, it is my top priority to show her how I feel. Not only that, but I like being that. It gives my life purpose. I suspect that she appreciates me being this way as well.

Because of this, I gave her "permission" to give me a spanking at any time. I am not talking about some sort of domestic discipline relationship; I don't want to be spanked for being bad. What I want is for her to just feel free to push the button and put my love for her and my expression of it into overdrive whenever she thinks this would be nice. She doesn't even have to selfish about it because I love being like that.

She didn't say she wouldn't and she didn't say she would. In fact, I got the distinct impression that she wasn't against the idea at all. In the days following my last spanking, I was pretty much husband of the year. I'm thinking that she might want to turn on that sort of attention from time to time.

That was a couple days ago and I have realized something unforeseen about our new arrangement: I could get a spanking at any time. If we are both at home, she could at any time decide that I need my bottom blistered. The anticipation and fear is constant. A couple times already I've thought about what it would be like if I got the command out of the blue to get a paddle and get naked.

That anticipatory state has itself made me more attentive. Of course, if she never takes the option, that will wear off. I'll have to mention that to her.

As it is, I am living in delicious fear. It is good. After the first surprise spanking, I suspect it will be great.