Crisis, Spanking, and Thanksgiving

I don't want to wear clothes today so I'm not going to. It is my house; I can do what I want in my house. If I want to walk around showing off my red bottom, I am going to do that. I earned it after all. Even my proud little soldier that had such a big cummy on his towel just a little while ago has bounce back from little boy mode. He is a little messy because I was in a hurry after my spanking and didn't get him completely cleaned up. He looks like he had a good time. Dried semen is flaking off my shaft and a little bit of sticky pre-cum continues to form at the tip. He isn't getting completely erect but he keeps swelling up like he is flexing. He seems so proud of himself like he impregnated a woman instead of just squirting all over himself during a spanking.

This happy spanking that I am currently basking in the afterglow of had a rocky start. Because things turned out so well, I think I am particularly inclined to prolong the moment.

A couple days ago, there was a moment of miscommunication. Or maybe she was communicating very clearly but what she said cut me deep. I mentioned something about how much I appreciated being spanked by her. We had been quiet for a while and things drifted around in my head. This popped in and I just blurted it out in a moment of honesty and openness. She responded with a tone that cut me off and cut me deep. It probably wasn't intended that way but I took it the worst way possible and was crushed and destroyed.

I bottled it up and stayed quiet but when I got the chance, I started writing. At first, it was a manifesto but after many hours, I was able to trim it down to a couple pages that I left for her to read yesterday.

Spanking to me isn't a kink or a fetish or at least it isn't only one of those two things. It isn't a kink because so many people do it that it isn't even really considered kinky by really kinky people. It isn't really a fetish because I don't need spanking to be sexually aroused or to orgasm. Rather, spanking contextualizes and helps me cope with my deepest fears. I hate being embarrassed, losing, being humiliated, deserving of punishment, or the negative center of attention. Being spanked means having all those scary horrible things happen to me all at once.

It is embarrassing for me to be spanked or even to ask for a spanking. I feel self conscious collecting the paddles and my special towel in case I make a mess. Being erect, excited and dripping puddles of pre-cum while collecting the spanking implements or anticipating the spanking fills me with shame. The night before or day before my scheduled spanking, I soak my underwear, don't sleep, surf the web endlessly, get hard in the shower at the gym, and even get testicle headaches from being erect for so long. I have to wear special underwear that absorbs the slippery emissions, long shirts to hide my erections, and pants that don't constrict. All this leads up to a time that I crave and hate.

I don't know why I feel this way and I don't care anymore but I can speculate. A couple things probably came together inadvertently in a Freudian wet-dream. I was spanked as a child and I played spanking games with my sister when I was little had a girl friend that liked me to spank her when I was a little older. I was taught early to not embarrass my mother and that it was terrible to be ugly, poor, fat, untalented, or stupid. I had to be smart, attractive, gracious, law abiding, pure, honorable, and a nice boy. Failure was unspeakable and actually was incredibly rare. I never learned how to miss the mark without experiencing overwhelming shame because I rarely missed the mark. The more I succeeded, the greater the fear of when I would fail.

As an adult, I feel incredible pressure and stress to be perfect and I fear what would happen to me, my family, and my life if I failed. When I am spanked, I live out this failure in a controlled way. I am stripped naked and exposed as a pervert with an erection dripping lewdly. My naked form displays all my imperfections that I normally cover with clothes: small genitals, weak chest, patchy back hair (when I haven't had it waxed off), moles-a-plenty, and fat I can't seem to drop. I have to expose my bottom for a punishment that will make me cry out involuntarily, writhe against my will, scrunch up my face unattractively, and break down in tears of defeat as the pain overwhelms me and wins. My only hope is to put up a good fight and take a respectable amount of the pain. In the midst of all that, my dirty little penis representing all the unsavory desires of my twisted little mind will ejaculate proving that I have a perverted head full of bad wiring.

What I've written sounds good but I think is missing something that I haven't been able to really put my finger on. It is probably missing quite a bit actually. There are body shame issues and all manner of sexual issues as well. I was sexually aware but uninformed very early. I worked with what I had which wasn't much and when I was caught, well, it was disastrous.

Point being--yes, there is a point--spanking has been a part of my life for my whole life and I seem to have eroticized some of my phobias in order to contextualize, confront, and control them through spanking. It isn't something that I need in order to get off: IT IS A BIG PART HOW I SURVIVE! It is a core piece of who I am and to deny me this is to deny me. I haven't put it into these words exactly to my wife, but it really is such a core part of me that I fear if she refused to spank me, it is possible that our marriage would be over. I love her and would continue to love her but I would have to find a solution and I don't think she could accept me being spanked by another woman (especially considering that I would likely spray semen all over her lap).

I wrote and wrote and wrote and somehow communicated that in no uncertain terms, her blistering of my bottom is the how I will hear that she loves me loudest. According to the book, there are five languages of love: touch, words, service, time, and gifts. For me, the act of service of spanking me says "I love you" in my language louder than anything else. The languages are a feedback loop. One can feel love but be selfish expressing it. Generous lovers create generous lovers. Screaming "I love you" to someone in the right language makes it easy for that person to respond generously and loudly. My point to her is that I am giving her the key to me; she can show me love in a way that will make me melt with thanks, generosity, and love for her.

It took all day to get through our little misunderstanding. She can buy the boots regardless of whether my bottom is red and welted or pale and smooth. The difference is that she won't need to buy the boots if my bottom is on fire because I will be out there looking for boots to buy her. Late in the evening, we connected, talked, communicated, and it was good.

To my delight, she suggested that I get a spanking before going out to breakfast this morning. This actually made me nervous because I was worried she would really give me a blistering sort of to show maximum love. I am not a fragile man and I can take a pretty long and hard spanking. Still, she hasn't always given me enough warmup to ramp up the endorphins necessary to really take the heat.

I decided that a wooden spoon spanking would be the right thing. Unlike the big paddle, the spoon wouldn't impact my whole bottom at once. Also, they are lighter than most of the paddles. As an aside, my mother once threatened sister and me with a wooden spoon spanking that would bruise our bottoms and the backs of our legs if we weren't quiet one night while she was in PMS hell. I wanted that spanking but chickened out. I think what I am saying here is that I like wooden spoons.

I also got out the brush and the big angry paddle with holes in it. She sat down and I put the towel in place, thanked her for spanking me and told her I loved her. I asked her to spank me with the spoons (there are three: the Walmart spoon and two big ones that I think are intended for brewing beer) but that the brush and paddle were out in case I wasn't getting the message with just the spoons. I asked her to start easy and then bent over her lap on the couch.

As usual, my penis loves terrycloth and I gently humped her lap feeling my penis become erect. She started slow and I stayed still so that I didn't cum too soon. The sharp little spanks made me twitch which made me stimulate my penis on her lap. It felt too good so I arched up as much as I could to reduce contact. This opened up my bottom and gave her soft targets to attack.

She built slowly and before long it was a real spanking. I started humping again but not in ernest. She had been alternating cheeks with a big spoon but then just focused on my right side repeatedly until I was kicking a little and made some ouchie noises. When she switched to the left it was briefly a relief until it also lit on fire and more ouchie noises escaped my lips.

I was humping voluntarily and involuntarily at this point but I wasn't near orgasm. It was further delayed by a flurry of spanks that erased my mind. I was rutting with abandon as I felt my orgasm slip away. Thankfully, she paused to switch spoons and when she started again, it was slower and less intense. I took the opportunity to try to orgasm. I felt like I was 12 again and humping my mattress in my crusty flannel pajamas like I used to do every morning when I woke up. I didn't cum hard though it was satisfying in its own way. Ejaculate poured out of me as I convulsed and pumped. I felt my bottom cheeks jiggle under the spoon as I relaxed into my short little sexy time. 

As always, the good feelings ended too soon and the real spanking began. I tried to just accept the pain but I started kicking a little and making some louder ouchie sounds. Finally, I asked politely in a cracking voice if we could stop. She asked if I had had enough. I nodded my head and then nodded again much more vigorously.

I was up quickly this time, collected my soiled towel, wiped myself off, and then folded it and with a clean corner, wiped off some tears I was surprised were collecting in corners of my eyes. I thanked her profusely.

We went to breakfast where I had to force myself not to talk about my spanking in the crowded restaurant. Back at home, we cuddled in bed where my mostly and surprisingly erect penis throbbed between us.

I am thankful for a wife that loves me and is willing to express that love in my language. I am thankful that the vulnerable soft part of me is safe with her. I am thankful for all the good chemicals that were dropped into my brain this morning. I am thankful for the sore bottom that I am sitting on.

I wiped off my penis and stomach, but the little guy still has dried seminal fluid around the tip. My stomach also has a little crusty on it. I am naked on my couch nervous that someone will see my still slightly red bottom or my post orgasmic little penis. Yeah, I feel a little naughty. It was so good, I want it to last. The little guy has gotten hard a couple times while I have been writing this. He even spit up a couple clear drops of pre-cum. I hope I don't have to wait long for my next spanking.

Afraid and Chaste All the Time

This is an addendum to my Afraid All The Time post and will only really make sense if you read that first.

It has been a week since I gave her permission to give me a tune-up whenever she thinks it would be beneficial for both of us. It wasn't but a couple days later that I realized that constantly being in danger of a spanking based on her whim means that I am always thinking about that. Because of the constant threat, I realize that she is always on my mind and since she is on my mind, I keep focused on her, her needs, and making her feel loved. This is sort of the response that happens walking around with a stinging bottom for days after a hard spanking.

It is interesting that just the threat of a spanking intended to draw my attention to my wife is actually drawing my attention appropriately to my wife. Of course, for someone that likes being spanked, I wish she was properly provoked to apply wood to bottom but I dare not ignore her for my selfing desires. I promised I wouldn't do that and I won't.

Of course, as any reader of my blog knows, I prefer being spanked when I am sexually excited. Spanking is erotic for me and even if it is a spanking at her discretion, I would like to 'enjoy' it as much as possible.

That said, I'm a middle-aged guy and not always interested in sex like I was in my youth. If I ejaculate, I am very not horny for sometimes as long as a day. Masturbation for me has been based on timing for quite a few years. If I think sex is a possibility in the evening, I refrain from masturbation in the morning. If I know I am going to be spanked in a couple days, I stay hands off until then to maximize my arousal and desire.

Not knowing if a spanking is in store and wanting to be at least able to perform sexually or interested in sex at all if a spanking happens means that I have to be even more careful about the timing of any masturbation activities I engage in.

I didn't expect this either. At some point, I will need to share both of these observations with her. That should be an interesting conversation.

She has yet to take the option, by the way. A couple nights ago she noticed that something I was clamoring to do for her last week in my post-spanking puppy-love state I didn't leap at this week. There was a look and a question about why I couldn't do the task but that is where it ended. For a brief moment, I thought she might spank me but she didn't. I wondered if it crossed her mind, but was afraid to ask.

I think that she will have to surprise me with a spanking every now and then just so that the threat benefits remain as well. The threat of something that never happens isn't much of a threat after a while.

Afraid All The Time

As I've mentioned a number of times in other blog posts, my wife is mostly vanilla. She likes a little spice but nothing kinky. She seems to tolerate my spanking desires because she loves me and I think she understands how much it means to me. I think she even understands and appreciates that it is therapeutic to me as well. A spanking every now and then derails my depression, reduces my stress, calms me down, and just gets me back on the even keel. It makes me nicer.

That said, there is an additional benefit that I think both of us appreciate: I really show my love for my wife in the days after the spanking. I think there are a couple reasons for this:

• I am just appreciative of her taking care of me. I top from the bottom and, truth be told, I am a bossy bottom. She puts up with that and delivers as best she can. Not only that, but I clearly find it very erotic and get off sort of by myself which means that there is no sexy time for her on spanking days. All that and since she doesn't like to "hurt" me even though I assure her that the goal of the thing is to indeed hurt me, I know that it is a real stretch for her to spank me especially as hard as I need. All this makes me very appreciative.
• In the day and sometimes days after a spanking--if it is a good hard and long spanking--I feel it. The soreness is a constant reminder of what happened and who created that persistent sensation. I can't help thinking about her all the time.
• Undoubtedly, lots of chemicals are involved. I don't remember everything about how it works but I am sure that the delicious overload of chemicals in my head is making me happy and in love.

We talked about this. Well, I had a little soliloquy. I love her all the time but it is so much easier for me to put her first in the days right after a spanking. It just comes natural. I want to serve her and make sure she is happy and comfortable. Cuddling seems like a great idea to me.

I'm just a big selfish guy. I try to love her and make her feel like a princess all the time, but I get lost in myself. It isn't like I only love her and only show her that I do after a spanking. That isn't the case at all. I don't love her move after a spanking but afterwards, it is my top priority to show her how I feel. Not only that, but I like being that. It gives my life purpose. I suspect that she appreciates me being this way as well.

Because of this, I gave her "permission" to give me a spanking at any time. I am not talking about some sort of domestic discipline relationship; I don't want to be spanked for being bad. What I want is for her to just feel free to push the button and put my love for her and my expression of it into overdrive whenever she thinks this would be nice. She doesn't even have to selfish about it because I love being like that.

She didn't say she wouldn't and she didn't say she would. In fact, I got the distinct impression that she wasn't against the idea at all. In the days following my last spanking, I was pretty much husband of the year. I'm thinking that she might want to turn on that sort of attention from time to time.

That was a couple days ago and I have realized something unforeseen about our new arrangement: I could get a spanking at any time. If we are both at home, she could at any time decide that I need my bottom blistered. The anticipation and fear is constant. A couple times already I've thought about what it would be like if I got the command out of the blue to get a paddle and get naked.

That anticipatory state has itself made me more attentive. Of course, if she never takes the option, that will wear off. I'll have to mention that to her.

As it is, I am living in delicious fear. It is good. After the first surprise spanking, I suspect it will be great.

Spanking the Little Boy Inside

I just wanted to feel like a naughty little boy. Taken, controlled, spanked, and dominated. It was a tall order and unfortunately the big boy in me thought the whole thing was very sexually exciting. This meant that I went into the spanking sexually excited sporting a nice erection, pre-cum everywhere, and even a swollen scrotum. It is admittedly a stretch to believe that a guy as large as me is a little boy (in spite of being mostly hairless), the mature genitals clearly in an expectant state of adult sexual arousal were not cool.

In addition to not looking the part, I wasn't looking for a spanking experience resulting in an orgasm. I was looking for an experience that would calm me down, reset my head, relieve the stress, and clear my depression. Being in control sucks sometimes. I wanted to be reduced to a little boy again.

I stood naked before her mostly erect. I was nervous. She sat impatiently. Waiting.

The spanking implements that I offered her were the stingy lexan paddle, the bath brush, and the big ouchy paddle. I said that I hoped she wouldn't need to use the big one to get through to me. I said something like, "my penis didn't get the memo about the spanking. He's going to be in the way but only for a little while. After I cum, please give me a hard spanking.

"I thought that maybe I should be brave and masturbate before my spanking, but I'm not that brave."

She gave me that look that says she thinks I am insane. This was my second spanking of the night. She gave me a 'warm-up' before we went to dinner causing me to sit uncomfortably on the very hard chair. I tried to not just worry about the hard spanking I was going to get when we got home. I insisted on dessert. She had a couple drinks. She spanks harder when she's a little tipsy.

Finally over her lap, I had a brief couple seconds to enjoy the awesome feeling of rubbing my partially erect penis on my terry cloth cummy towel before she started in on me.

It was very stingy right from the beginning. My pre-dinner warm-up was a little hard for a warm-up and it only took a couple swats to wake up my bottom. A part of me wanted to slowly build to a good orgasm but I was too excited to make it last. The sting was distracting but I kept humping the inside of her right thigh. As I concentrated on trying to maximize my stimulation, I stayed quiet and gripped the cushions of the couch.

She was focusing on all the best parts of my bottom. A couple spanks were on my upper thighs and a few were right on crack causing me to convulse. Those hurt so good. Then somehow she switched from the lexan paddle to the brush and the sting became more focused and deeper. In a moment of panic I realized how much it was going to hurt after I squirted. It was already hurting pretty bad and just as the idea crossed my mind that maybe it was already hurting too much for me to make a mess on my towel, that wonderful feeling of impending orgasm snuck up on me.

I moaned in relief and relaxed a little. It was going to happen. I felt the release build and as it overtook me, little convulsions caused my buttocks to tighten up as my semen squirted onto the towel. I felt the brush bounce off my clenched bottom but for a couple seconds, it didn't hurt.

Then it was over and my bottom lit on fire. I tried to be brave; I really did. Involuntary sounds escaped me and I wiggled under the assault. I don't think she was spanking harder or faster but suddenly it was unbearable. It felt like minutes went by but it was probably only a minute or so before I said in a very strained voice that I thought I had had enough.

She stopped. I sort of wish she would push me further but she isn't comfortable with that. Don't get me wrong; I was done and felt like I couldn't move. I forced myself up and gathered my cummy towel off her lap. My penis was completely soft but still a little swollen at the head like not all of the excitement had completely drained out of me. It was wet all over and it was hard to believe that the big puddle on the towel had come out my little guy just minutes before.

Perhaps next time I will be brave or at least braver. Still, it was a big hard spanking and now, two days later I still feel sore especially on my right cheek. I looked in the mirror afterwards and I was a satisfying bright red. I did good and she did good. My little boy got what he needed.

A Long Night of Spanking

It was late and after six spankings over the course of the evening, I was finally over my wife's knees and getting a blistering from the brush. It was the first time all night that I could actually grind on my wife's lap or on anything for that matter. The brush was excruciating on my already sore buttocks. If I could, I was supposed to make my little cummy on the towel draped protectively over her lap. I wanted so much to cum just minutes before that it surprised me that I had stopped humping her thighs; I was just trying to absorb the stinging pain raining down on my upturned bottom. 

The slow-down safe word was on the tip of my tongue. I knew I would regret it if I used it. Rather than the word, the closest thing to actual sobs escaped my lips for the first time during a spanking as an adult. It was a response to the pain as well as the frustration. It had been days since my last ejaculation which isn't too long except that the days were full of anticipation waiting for this moment. It had been days of being distracted at work and embarrassingly erect uncomfortably in my pants, in the public shower at the gym, and every time I went to the men's room. I had been choosing baggy pants, underwear that allowed me to be comfortably and discretely erect, and untucked shirts that would hide my arousal and possible pre-cum stains.

The night before, I tried out spanking positions in the house for over an hour. While I posed, I wanted to feel like I was being punished a little. I knew through previous experience that I wouldn't be able to self-spank myself so I tried self-figging. I thought that the sensation would be like a little pre-punishment and would put me in the head-space of where I wanted to be.

It was embarrassing buying ginger at the store the night before. I mean, I've bought ginger many times but this time I was looking for a big thick piece that would produce maximum discomfort up my bottom hole. I crave embarrassment so my erection strained against my jeans as I shopped in the produce section.

Through my arousal, every person in the store had a kinky backstory. Every bottom was a spanking target. Every couple was involved in a lifestyle. Every child played spanking games with their friends and siblings. Older women were on the hunt for young men to discipline. Every strong arm spanked naked little bottoms hard. I found myself browsing the kitchen utensils looking for heavy wooden spoons. Near the bath soaps, I inspected the bath brushes for something sturdy.

At home, I was alone and had lots of chores to do. I wanted to get naked, stick the ginger up my bottom and bend over every piece of furniture and think about whether I could be spanked effectively in that position and place. I waited as long as possible and then peeled the ginger and tried to carve it like a butt-plug.

Finally naked, I worked the ginger into my bottom and was initially disappointed by the sting. It was uncomfortable but it didn't sting or burn. I got my camera out and experimented on the bed with and without pillows. In my second position (lying flat on the bed), I was laying with my legs together and realized a sting was starting. I was having trouble keeping the ginger in place though. Staying relaxed was tricky and the more it stung, the more I wanted to bear-down but when I did, the ginger would get pushed out.

Out in the living room, I knelt at the ottoman and bent over (with my towel in place in case of accidents). I realized that I could easily have a ejaculation accident in that position and decided to try something that I have seen in pictures of men being spanked: I tucked my penis between my legs so that the not-so-sensitive top rested against the side of the ottoman. Then I spread my legs and snapped some pictures. I was very exposed and my little bottom hole was really stinging by now.

But I just couldn't keep it in. I was compelled to tighten up and it kept slipping out. I finally gave up on the ginger and threw it away but the juices were still there and irritated me long after it was out.

I thought that the ottoman was too low, but found that bent over a tall stool was good if I added a pillow. I also found a position kneeling on the stool (with the pillow again) and leaning forward over the kitchen counter was very exposing. Bent over the arm or back of a couple chairs was also promising. I associated different paddles with different positions and took notes on order of paddles and positions. As the sting faded in my bottom hole, I started to wish I hadn't given up on the ginger. 

The whole activity reminded me of when I first started being fascinated with spanking back in middle school. Seeing myself bending over in the bathroom mirror. Self-spanking myself until my bottom was pink and then inspecting the results. Sneaking around the house (and even the yard) naked. Planning and planning for spankings that only rarely happened.

This time, all the planning resulted in spankings starting the next day a little while after I got home from work. I explained to her that I wanted a bunch of small spankings; that I wanted my bottom to hurt continuously for hours, to be denied orgasm until just before bed, and that I wanted to have to keep asking for little spankings. She didn't seem to hate the plan. Maybe I am overly hopeful that she is starting to like spanking nights but she actually seemed to like the plan.

The first spanking was with the stingy lexan paddle before she started getting ready to go out to dinner. It was just a warmup with me bent over the back of a straight back chair. She started hard and I didn't last long before saying I had had enough. I went over the chair basically flaccid but stood up with a three-quarter erection which surprised both of us. I was happy but embarrassed that my penis became erect during a spanking. I am not easily embarrassed in front of my wife. Still, I was being spanked and that made me hard. What if I had been spanked by mom or dad as a teenager? What if she spanked me in front of our friends?

My bottom stung pretty bad but 10 minutes later, it had faded to just a little tingle. I wanted a sting that would last all through dinner.

I puttered around the house and tried to find some underwear to wear that would make me feel sexy or at least self-concious of my penis during dinner. I was mostly erect and the first pair really didn't work in that state. The second pair was tiny but stretchy enough for me to have an erection without binding. I decided that I should get another spanking just before we walked out the door so I stayed in just my little panties.

The second spanking was just before we walked out the door and it was much like the first one: short, fast, and hard with the lexan paddle. Abruptly after she stopped spanking, I was dressed and out in the car still recovering from what had just happened.

Dinner was good but we were barely out of the parking lot on the way home when I realized that another spanking was probably going to happen seconds after walked in the door. I squirmed in my seat and said that I was nervous about the spanking when we got home.

The next spanking was over the arm of a chair with lexan paddle again. The fire was reignited. After this, I put on one of my 'waiting' outfits. It is a one-piece pajama thing that that will allow me to be comfortably erect and either exposed or covered. It looks ridiculous which in some ways is perfect. I like the embarrassment of wearing clothes that are specific for spanking times.

Fifteen minutes later, I was naked on the bed with pillows under my hips and with my penis tucked back between my legs so that I couldn't hump the pillows. Again, I was worried about having an accident. She used the leather slapper which isn't very severe but that was the fourth spanking of the night with a stingy instrument and it was strangely difficult to handle.

Maybe twenty minutes later, I was getting the paddle while bent over the stool. It really hurt bad. I had my penis tucked back again. At some point she spanked a little low and I was surprised by how it felt on my testicles and even my penis. It was strangely arousing. Actually, if it didn't hurt so bad getting spanked on the upper thighs, I think it might have been felt good enough for me to actually cum. But oh did it sting.

That spanking went long past when I hoped it would end. I was putting on my spanking suit on wobbly legs but with a raging erection. The spankings were starting with me at half mast but ended significantly more erect.

There was a little delay after that spanking and before the next one. I was busy doing a chore that was repetitive and a little mindless. As I wrapped it up, I realized that the next spanking would happen as soon as I was done. My bottom still stung from the last one and I was becoming nervous, fearful, and, of course, aroused. My erection filled out the pouch of my spanking-waiting outfit as I shifted from foot to foot nervously.

Throughout the night, when my penis was softer, it would feel full. I wasn't touching my penis at all; this was spanking time and not time for pleasuring myself. I think it was full of pre-cum produced by the spankings. As I softened between spankings, I would feel full and then when I got hard again, the pre-cum would leak out a little onto my spanking towel, legs, or underwear. It was a good feeling and made me really want to cum so bad.

I thought it would be interesting to get a spanking with the wooden spoon so that she could spank all the sensitive difficult to reach places. I knelt on the stool and bent over a tall counter. She did a great job of lighting a fire up and down my crack and even inside. Something happened during this spanking:I started to like it. I wanted it to hurt and I pushed out my bottom so that I was even more exposed. When she stopped, I wanted to ask for more but I was too embarrassed.

It was getting late. I had more positions and paddles, but I knew we wouldn't get to them. I thought about laying flat on the bed with my wife straddling my back facing my feet and using our most fearsome paddle. She was tired, I was tired, and my penis was demanding relief.

I wanted more but decided we needed to be done. For the last spanking, I was over her knee and she started with the lexan paddle. My penis was again tucked back so that I couldn't hump but I did a little shortly after she started. The sting of that little paddle is intense especially after so much. Rubbing the less sensitive part of my penis against my spanking towel was arousing but also frustrating.

After a couple minutes, I asked for the brush and shifted so that I could hump her lap properly. After a whole night of craving exactly this, it at first was magnificent. Then she began the brushing and it was all I could do to concentrate on the good feelings.

It was the longest brush spanking I think I've ever had. I was making sounds that sounded a little like I was crying. I was surprised to hear them; it was a foreign sound to me. Eventually I came and it was good and long. She stopped just as my orgasm waned which I don't usually like. Usually I like her to ruin my orgasm--the end of it at least--by really blistering my bottom after I squirt. But I was exhausted and I went limp over her lap. My bottom was on fire and the thought of another crack of wood on red hot bottom sounded unbearable. I couldn't get up for what felt like minutes and when I clumsily did, I was happy to see that I had indeed squirted a big mess on my towel. Globs of my semen were stuck on my stomach.

It was a great night of spanking. I have had harder spankings but I have never felt the sting and the burn for so long. After each spanking, I went from relief that it was over to dread of the next spanking. The emotional impact of that was very satisfying.

Each spanking prepared my penis for when it would finally be able to ejaculate. Each spanking aroused me, tickled my prostate, produced seminal fluid, and made me a little frustrated. All the tasks I did between the spankings were acts of submission and love. Wearing my special spanking pajamas was a constant reminder that I was being spanked.

It was a great night for me. I don't think my vanilla wife minded it too much until it started getting late. Of course, with each spanking, I fell more in love with her again. She must truly love me too to take time to spank my naughty bottom. She wouldn't do that if she didn't love me, right?

Spanked for My Erection: An Inappropriate Fantasy

"You know why we are having this talk today, right?" she asks as I stand naked and erect in front of her. I just nod. "Tell me why," she prods.

"My pee-pee's hard," I whine like the little boy that I am.

"Is that OK?" she asks.

"No," I say looking down at my erection, "but I like it when it is hard."

"I know, dear, but we can't have you walking around all the time with an erection, can we?" she asks in her most motherly tone.

"I guess not," I answer dejectedly. I am standing naked and aroused in front of a woman that doesn't consider me a potential sexual partner. I am 'child' and she is adult. She needs a man to satisfy her; not some little boy that can't even control his silly erections. She takes on the role of the mommy of her naughty little boy.

"That is why you have to get a spanking today," mommy explains.

"No, I don't want a spanking!" I interrupt. "Can't I just play with it so that the stuff comes out? Then I won't be hard anymore. I promise!" I don't want to talk about sexy things with mommy but that is better than a spanking.

Patiently and like a good mother she responds, "I know that, baby, but you have to learn to control your erections and that is why you need a spanking."

"No, please...," I whine already almost crying. My erection pulses in the air demanding someone pay attention to it. "Can't I just go into the potty and..."

"No, you are going to get your spanking right now." she interrupts definitively.

"But I might squirt during the spanking," and then almost in a whisper, "I don't like making during my spankings."

"Why not?" she asks clearly enjoying my embarrassment.

I shift a little and look down all the way to the center of the earth, "it doesn't feel good; it just hurts," I say softly.

"Well, that is too bad. If you could control yourself, I wouldn't have to spank your little cummy out and you could just play with yourself in the potty and have your little fun."

"No, I don't like ouchies," I say sort of to myself but unfortunately out loud. I sound like a little boy and I look like one too. I'm mostly hairless except for my head and just the hint of pubic hair above my little erection. I don't have a big penis like the kind that women want but it doesn't know that. It gets all hard and proud like it is more impressive than it actually is. Clear drops of pre-cum keep forming at the tip making it all slippery so that it will be able to penetrate even the tightest of vaginas but they just go to waste.

Sometimes the girls will play with my little penis and make it squirt but they only use their hands and then they giggle and laugh when it starts jerking and pumping. It can squirt pretty good for such a little guy. The girls think it is funny because it is small like a little boy's penis but squirts like it thinks it is a man's.

She just laughs. "Well, that is too bad indeed," she says reaching for the hair brush.

"Oh no, not the hair brush! Please, it is too ouchie. Can't you just spank me with your hand? I promise I'll be good," I beg but absentmindedly touch my penis and give it a little pull. I shiver under the sensation. 

She clearly notices me playing with myself and gives a tsk-tsk sound while shaking her head. "Now, I won't be having you ejaculating without your bottom bright red. Let's have some spanking first and if you are good, then you can have your fun. OK, over you go."

I go to her right side and climb over her lap. Her legs feel warm and soft against my hard erection. I rock back and forth grinding myself against her. In this position, my penis is as close to her vagina as it will ever get. Not like my penis would be any good inside her. I'm sure it would sink into her soft warm wetness and immediately start squirting. I wouldn't have any control and nature--knowing how lucky it was that I was mating at all--would take advantage of the moment and expel my seed in a vain attempt to procreate. I can imagine the disappointment of my lover as I lose control, her justifiable anger, and the sudden change I would feel from powerful conquering man to shameful naughty disappointing little boy.

Just as I start to lose myself in the good feelings (in spite of the narrative in my head), the sound of wood striking taut skin loudly catches my attention followed quickly by a sharp sting. I immediately stop rutting against her legs; I don't want to make her angrier. It probably wouldn't matter though. She spanks me again and again. At first there is a little pause between spanks but she quickly picks up the pace.

No matter how recently or hard I was spanked last time, I am always surprised how much it hurts. It is like my brain can only remember that it hurt but not how bad it hurt. It stings and burns and just keeps getting worse and larger because she spanks all over my bottom. Some parts aren't too bad or at least I can tolerate it more when she spanks on the sides or at the top. When she spanks over my crack or where my bottom meets my legs, it stings so bad that I can't help but make noises like "ow", "ouch", and a long whining "ooo" sound.

My penis is almost forgotten but she makes me wiggle on her lap and sometimes it feels a little bit good for just a second. I am getting soft and the good sexy feelings are going away though I don't think my erection will entirely fade. The spanking will bring blood to the source of the trauma and everything in the general area will get in on the party.

She is spanking like clockwork. Though the spanks are beating out an almost perfect rhythm, she is applying the stings almost randomly. I can handle this pretty well. Nothing hurts too much though all of my bottom is on fire. I know this won't continue and just as I wonder when it will end, it does. She keeps the rhythm but only spanks my right sit spot. My noises become more pronounced. She changes to my left sit spot and I relax just for a second but then the fire starts on the left side and I become very vocal again. I've had enough. I really will be good from now on. The next spank is right on the crack above my bottom hole. If I was more bent over, she would be spanking right behind my scrotum but as it is she thankfully can't reach that. My thighs do get hit and I involuntarily start bucking on her lap. I can't see her but sense she likes that she is getting such a big reaction out of me.

I open up and her spanks strike between my cheeks but when I tense up, my thighs get it. Thankfully she moves back to my right sit spot, then left, and the center. It all just stings and I can't even tell where she is spanking anymore.

Stopping suddenly, "OK, get up," she commands. I struggle clumsily and stand on very wobbly legs and reach up to wipe the tears from my eyes. "No, don't do that. Just play with yourself. I want you to cum with tears in your eyes."

I lower my right hand to my soft but a little swollen penis and start mechanically masturbating. My little guy doesn't respond right away. I keep stroking my flaccid member all the while sniffling and feeling the remaining tears roll down my cheeks.

"Hurry up. If you want to make your little squirt, now is the time," she says impatiently. Of course, that doesn't really help but I do start to harden a little. I think it is instinct or mechanics like sitting on a bumpy bus.

"That's a little better," she said noticing my mediocre erection. "Make your little boy cum so we can finish your spanking."

I'm getting more spanking after I cum? For some reason, this makes me harder but I whine, "no, please."

"Ugh, you are such a little child. This isn't sexy time; this is spanking time. This is punishment time. Part of your punishment is having to masturbate in front of me. I want to see how you make your little pee-pee feel all tingly. The second you are all empty, I am going spank your bottom. I'm going to spank all the good feelings away and leave you with a soft little penis and blisters on your bottom. Now face this way," she commands moving me so that I am facing her lap on her right side.

"That's better. Now I can provide you with a little motivation to hurry up!" she says deviously patting my bottom with the hairbrush.

My erection has finally returned and I'm rubbing my little guy furiously. I can feel my testicles bouncing off my legs. She's right about being embarrassed; no one ever sees me do this to myself. "Where should I put it?" I ask nervously.

"Oh, just catch it in your hand. Such a little penis, there probably won't be too much. You can wash up after your spanking." she mocks. "Now, come on," followed by a spank, "no more stalling," followed by another spank. Both spanks make me cry out and jerk my hips forward. My rhythm gets a little messed up for a couple seconds after the fire is reignited on my behind.

She spanks me again and I realize that I will have to focus to make things happen. A couple days ago, I saw a picture of a woman having sex with a man. She was sort of small and had a completely hairless pussy but he was super hairy and had a pretty big dick. He was just putting it in her and the big angry looking dick just barely poking her small pale pink vagina was really scary. She had a look of fear mixed with excitement as she held herself open. He just looked hungry. I imagined him slowly pushing into her and the shocked look on her face as he did it. She would be so tight around him it would be like she was sucking out his cum with her vagina.

The sexy image in my mind helps as I try to ignore the spanks. Her voice to my left keeps up a steady litany of "hurry up" or "you can do it" or "come on, little boy" in between spanks that jiggle my cheeks.

It is feeling pretty good finally and I realize that my testicles aren't bouncing off my leg as much. I am pretty close and my knees get weak all of sudden. "That's it" she chides and picks up the pace. A just a couple spanks later, I am cumming with a moan. I remember to catch my boy milk with my left hand just at the last second. The warm sticky liquid fills my hand, "ooo, good boy, that's a big puddle of cum from such a little pee-pee. OK, squeeze it all out. Hurry up." I squeeze and pull hard to get the last little bit out just as my good orgasm feelings end.

"Good boy, over you go. Be careful with that handful of cum," she reminds me. It is tricky to do with one hand seconds after I just had an orgasm. My legs are wobbly even. I get down and realize that I have to hold my hand full of semen almost right in front of my face. Right hand flat on the floor, the back of my left hand resting on the floor, little puddle of semen carefully balanced in my palm, her left leg under my ribs, right leg under my hips, softening penis dangling in space between, wood resting on my bottom, and then gone.

"Oh God," I exclaim as she starts spanking. It feels harder and faster than before. It is at least faster--that is for sure--and it is everywhere. I am frozen in panic at how much it hurts. "Oh, no, ow, no, oh, oh, ow," and now I am just blubbering. It is strange to hear myself crying but I have no defenses left. Absentmindedly, I feel my penis bounce softly off her right leg. In spite of the tears in my eyes, I keep looking at the little puddle in my hand and blame it for everything.

Suddenly the room is quiet except for the sound of a little boy crying softly. "Oh, that's enough. Don't be such a baby. Get up, get up."

I struggle to get up not daring to risk spilling my precious little puddle. She moves me so that I am between her legs and then sits me down on her lap and gently rubs my back.

"We're all done. No more spanking, OK?" I nod in agreement. "Now, you can wash your hands, but no washing your face. I want our guests for dinner to see how you look after a spanking. And no clothes either. I want to be sure you learned your lesson and your penis stays nice and little. I'm sure our guests will want to see that red bottom of yours too. OK, off you go."

As I wash my hands, the sting in my bottom starts to tingle. Ever so slightly my penis jerks its approval and a tear of despair works its way down my cheek.

Stress Relief Spanking

Sometimes I get a spanking without a whole lot of fanfare and anticipation. A couple weeks ago, I got a short brush spanking over her knee about fifteen minutes after I asked for it. I didn't sleep well because I was stressed out. In the morning before work, I just asked if she could give me a spanking to calm me down.

It was a short spanking, probably no more than a couple minutes. I squirted into my cummy towel really quick and had to endure the rest without my erection protection (hey, that rhymes!). It worked in that I was calmed down but it was short and I knew it wouldn't last long.

The stress came back this week. Work and some other things were bothering me and I was getting that antsy feeling. I stop sleeping well, swear a bunch, act impulsively, and just start to hate myself.

There were a couple scheduling things to work out but my girl agreed to help me and we decided sooner than later would be good. I like to take her to dinner on spanking nights but this time I decided that I would cook for her. Still, things didn't go super smoothly and my plans for an amazing dessert didn't work out.

As usual, I was nervous and excited. I like it when I am sporting an erection for hours if not days before the spanking. Even better is when I leak pre-cum to the point where my underwear is obviously stained. I didn't have time for that sort of anticipation and obsession but I was hard whenever I was alone with my thoughts.

If we were in a more of domestic discipline relationship or more into role-playing, I probably would have cooked naked, in just an apron, or maybe in a pair of my "waiting" underwear. I have a couple pairs where there is extra space for an erect penis, the color shows pre-cum real well, or they sort of accentuate rather than cover my package. My favorite these days cover a lot but have a flap that can be unsnapped and taken off to expose my boy parts. They frame my erection making it more obvious that I am excitedly waiting for my spanking. If I was flaccid like I should be before a spanking, normal underwear would be work. We have to make special concessions for the bad boy who gets an erection thinking about his punishment. Why not add a little extra humiliation to his predicament by really drawing attention to my embarrassing inappropriate response?

Unfortunately, part of the dinner was prepared on the grill and being naked in the back yard is not an option. I kicked around slipping on and off a pair of shorts and then thought better of it. Instead, we were just a normal loving couple having dinner. The difference on this night was that I wouldn't let her do anything; I tried to serve her as best I could.

When I was done cleaning everything up, I collected my paddles and my cummy towel, and told her that I would be waiting in the den but that she should take her time. I laid out the paddles and got undressed, then sat on a chair and played with my erect penis while waiting for her.

Sometimes an orgasm is really close and all I can do is just lightly touch myself or rub the pre-cum around the head. This time, I was further away so I edged myself a couple of times. I had to rush the last time because I heard her walking through the house and I like to be really hard and pulsing if I can when she walks in the room.

I have to skip some details here or I might betray my anonymity by sharing too much but I will say that even though things couldn't go exactly as I had them planned, my wife is the best. We played the game where I am bent over a high table with my bottom pushed up and out presenting itself to be spanked. I have to stand on tip-toes to hold this position and I try to keep my legs spread too. The position is embarrassing as well as uncomfortable. I don't like that she can see my bottom hole and I know my scrotum is really obviously because sometimes she will tease it with the paddle.

She spanks me with a big oval paddle until I break position. Then she waits until I am back in position until she continues. If I don't get back into position quickly enough, she switches to the bathbrush and spanks me right over my bottom hole--right on the lower crack--until I get it right. Since the desired position is with my crack a little spread and bottom hole maybe even a little visible, I have fight against increasing pain as I open up in order to get back into position. The game allows me to top-from-the-bottom which seems to make her more comfortable with the whole thing.

It was the hardest spanking I think I've ever had. Right from the warm-up, it was intense. I wasn't able to handle more than two spanks before breaking position through most of it. Sometimes I like to pretend that I can't get back into position so that she will use the brush a couple times, but she only used the brush once and I didn't do it on purpose. I was real careful after that.

She gets freaked out if I appear to be in too much distress but it was very intense. I was having a hard time not making 'ouch' sounds so I took to biting my thumb which I have never done before. We had set a time limit for this game and near the end, I was breaking position after almost each spank. I think she was easing up because even though I was quiet, I think it was becoming obvious I was having a real hard time taking any more.

When we were done with that, I was totally flaccid. There was one bath brush spanking a while back where it was so intense that my erection failed me and I didn't ejaculate. In other words, there was only one other spanking that got even close to this intensity. I tried to look nonchalant but I wasn't selling it.

Again, I have to leave some details out at this point but we had to have a change of plans. I ended up over her lap (she was sitting in the middle of the couch) desperately humping her thighs trying to cum while she rained down stinging fire with the brush. It hurt so bad and the more it hurt the longer it was going to take. For a little while, I was worried it wouldn't happen at all. My erection slowly came back but even then, I felt like I was just going through the motions. I had a death grip on the cushions and I was feeling a little panic. At one point I spread my legs to try to get a little different feeling and more leverage. She attacked the newly exposed flesh and I had to bite down on my thumb again to keep from crying out.

Finally I felt my orgasm was in reach and I relaxed a little but when I did, it slipped away.  I almost started to cry and I am not sure how I feel about that. Part of me wishes I had cried. I had to work again to bring myself back to the edge and as much as I wanted to make it last, I didn't dare lose it again. I got it back and quickly went over the edge and squirted my mess into my towel before just collapsing on her legs in exhaustion. She kept spanking right through my climax which more of just a release, and I immediately softened. She didn't go much longer but I was resigned to whatever she was going to give me and I just quietly accepted my spanking. It was as close to complete submission as I've ever been. I think that if we had been in a role-playing scene or if there had been more of a psychological component involved, I would have been sobbing.

After she stopped, I couldn't move but I knew that she needed me to. I was exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. I sat down facing her and couldn't believe how much my bottom hurt when I sat down. Considering that my orgasm was ruined almost to the point of just being an ejaculation, I was surprised what a puddle I made. I had to sleep with my bottom exposed all night; the sheets were uncomfortable. The next day, I was still swollen and sensitive.

But did it work? Absolutely! All the tension and stress was gone. In the minutes after it was over, I could feel my stress drift away and the good chemicals pour in. I was surprised that in addition to the usual spanking afterglow, I had an orgasmic afterglow as well even though my ejaculation had so little pleasurable orgasmic feelings at the time. 

My problems again were manageable and I was back in control. I love spanking. I love my wife. She is so good to me. I am the luckiest man alive.

Let us Start In the Middle

This is an exercise for me. An attempt to process what is in my head. I am not trying to quiet the voices nor am I trying give into them. I am trying to accept the voices, control them, and understand them.

I was always excited by spanking. Everything about it is exciting, dangerous, and sexual. It was so confusing to me growing up which created shame which itself was exciting because there was something shameful about being spanked.

I remember walking along the street in a small town in Minnesota. It was summer and the windows were open. I was maybe 13 or 14. As I crossed in front of a two story square red brick house with white trim, the sounds of a boy maybe my age but probably younger was pleading with a silent authority figure. The pleading ended with the sound of sharp slaps and almost immediate crying. It didn't last long, but I was almost frozen on the sidewalk, transfixed by the sound and frighteningly aroused.

Now, of course, I realize I was probably listening to something horrible, abusive and damaging. At the time, listening to a peer being punished just triggered my imagination and I saw it only in the best possible light. Ritualistic. Naked. Embarrassing. Painful. The triggers that haunt a lifetime as it turns out.

That wasn't my only childhood brush with spanking but this is a blog and so I will recount them in later posts.

Now I am married, male, middle aged, living in the USA, athletic, professional, a father, a Christian, and generally viewed as an alright person. People either love me or hate me because they totally don't get me or my sense of humor. My wife is vanilla but she loves me. She understands that I want and need to be spanked and I think she is a little relieved that I am not interested in spanking her. She doesn't like to hurt me (which is sweet, really) but does so because she loves me. Like most of us that are into spanking or kinkier things, my spanking is strictly a secret between my wife and I. It is challenging to write about this incredibly personal part of myself and keep the details vague to protect my anonymity. Then again, if you are reading this and you figure out who I am, that says some interesting about you as well, yes? Out me and I will out you. :)

We dabbled in spanking on and off throughout our long marriage. I tried spanking her but she hated it and I didn't really like it either. There were a couple good spankings she gave me long ago but I was too repressed to express my desires. Then a couple years ago, I tried again to express what I was looking for. This time it seems to have worked.

The pattern is that every month or two, I find myself obsessed with getting a spanking. I feel like I need it. For years, I would write fiction or masturbate to spanking pornography. Writing was good but masturbation failed. I tried self-spanking. It worked a couple times but failed more often than not.

This is getting long so I should probably just describe one of my spankings. I like getting spanked in the morning because I can't help but think about it all night. I hadn't masturbated in a couple days and we hadn't had sex either. I was (and always am) a little pent up. We arrange a time days in advance because of our crazy work schedules.

I was up early because I had really only been dozing all night. I was erect all night oozing pre-cum onto the sheets. I felt bad showering it off my legs and stomach. I felt like I should leave it to show her how naughty I had been all night. I made a note to wear underwear to bed next time so that I could put my slimed underwear back on after my shower so that she would see my naughty juice before the spanking.

I got cleaned up but had such a nervous stomach that I kept going back to the potty to try to poop. I think I did once before I showered and twice afterwards. I don't trust toilet paper to clean me up before a spanking so stepped into the shower again after each time to spray off so I would be super clean for her.

Once my stomach was finally calm, I put on my robe and puttered around the house trying to make everything clean while waiting for her to come home from work. I got out my spanking tools that I thought would be good (a lexan paddle, a heavy wooden spoon, a smaller bath brush, and a leather slapper) and my spanking cummy towel.

I've never called it my cummy towel to my wife but that is what it has always been in my head. I like the idea that my erection, orgasm, and ejaculation are all part of the adolescent part of me that I can't control. It is just my sexual naughty and shameful part that I couldn't control while I was a teenager. That is sort of understandable for a teenager but silly and immature for an adult. Spanking is a punishment for an immature person so my sexual response and parts are immature as well. I don't cum because adult men cum when they have sex with grown women. I am 'have a cummy' because it is like I am a little boy having an inappropriate sexual response.

Playing with the tools made me hard and uncomfortable under my robe. I opened it to let my shame (only bad boys get erections waiting for spankings) hang free. I had oozed pre-cum again and lint from my robe was stuck to the end of my erect penis. I like the clinical terms. People that have sex have cocks and dicks and hard-ons. I am not having sex; I am having a spanking and because of that I use the clinical terms like a doctor or professional would use. After all, I am waiting for someone to administer treatment like a ritual: "Spank the bottom until it is red, jiggling, and sore. The subject may ejaculate during the treatment. Do not stop until the proper response--crying, pleading, begging, and signs of true distress and remorse--are achieved".

I don't know why, but the blue-gray lint stuck to myself seemed wrong. Back into the shower I went and washed it off. I checked the clock and knew she would be home at any time. I thought about pajama bottoms or underwear but I was stuck in indecision. I put on a tight fitting workout shirt and went bottomless through the house.

She came home and I met her at the door. I wasn't completely erect but my scrotum was tight and I was clearly enlarged. I nervously explained why I was meeting my wife who was going to spank me at the door with no pants on and an erection. She said it would be nice if I would meet her at the door with an erection to make love to her as well. I apologized and promised I would.

I followed her around like a puppy as she put her stuff away eventually ending up in the bedroom where I thought I would get my punishment. It isn't really punishment, of course; I haven't done anything bad and we don't have a domestic discipline relationship at all. In my head, I am being spanked because I get sexually excited by being spanked. That is what is naughty. I shouldn't have an erection and I shouldn't want what was going to happen. But I did and that is bad. My spanking was supposed to 'correct' these feelings, make my penis get soft, make my bottom hurt, make me not want another spanking.

She sat down in the chair and put my cummy towel on her lap so that if I made a mess, it wouldn't get on her clothes. I took off my shirt so I was completely naked (she was completely clothed), knelt on the floor to her right and asked for a hard spanking. I said that I would try not to wiggle until it started to hurt too much but that if I wiggled, I would probably make a mess in the towel. I asked her to let me have my fun, but then use the bath brush hard and fast after I was done having my 'fun'.

I went over her lap finally and shivered as my now mostly erect penis finally touched the terry cloth of my special towel. She started spanking almost right away with the lexan paddle. We always use that first because it is light and stingy. It is good for the warm up as it brings blood to surface and seems to keep me from bruising. I sighed into the carpet. I was finally getting my spanking and it was just a matter of time before I would get to wiggle and make my cummy all over the towel.

I usually try to take as much as I can before wiggling. It isn't really wiggling; it is humping. She didn't go for long with that paddle before changing to the leather slapper. It hurts worse and covers both cheeks at the same time. I started thrusting forward after a couple spanks and though I tried not to, it felt so good that I kept doing it.

She used the spoon next and I spread my legs so that she could easily get my perineum, inside my crack, and right on my sit spots. Being spanked on such sensitive areas makes me twitch at each strike. I try to stay arched and open so that I take my spanking like a big boy, but after a little while, I can't and I convulse humping her lap.

She switched back to the lexan paddle (which surprised me) and I started humping her legs trying to distract myself from the sting. There is usually a moment when I realize that I will be able to have an orgasm; no matter how hard she spanks, I feel like I will be able to make it happen and I relax. That feeling of crossing the point of no return approached and I knew my ejaculation was going to happen. Of course, afterwards, then the real spanking was going to start. I love being caught between wanting and needing my release but dreading the fire that will ruin my orgasm afterwards.

I remember it came on quickly and I arched my back while I squirted my shame into the towel. She stopped spanking when she saw and heard the telltale signs of a man ejaculating. She can't feel or see the actually semen coming out, but she knows.

It was a good orgasm (they aren't always; sometimes it is just ejaculation without the good feelings). She paused as she changed to the dreaded brush. I whined as I felt the wood resting on my cheek before the first real spank of the day.

It doesn't last long. Never does. I almost always safe word (we use green-yellow-red) or raise my hand or just say "I've had enough". She doesn't like to role play so if I say something, I have to actually mean it. I made it about 30 seconds--probably less--before stopping her with "I think I've had enough" squeaking out from between my teeth. She stopped and I laid there feeling the warm wetness of my ejaculate under my stomach. I finally got up and we both checked out the puddle on the towel. I am always surprised that the most I cum is when I am being spanked.

That's it. I feel the rush of adrenaline and endorphins and the stress of my life wash away as my cortisol level drops. The sting remains but I only notice it when I sit for the rest of the day. It is warm too as my bottom heals itself. About an hour later as I couldn't help think about what happened, I get an erection again and wonder how long before I will need another spanking.

An Open Letter To Spanko Men Married to Vanilla Spouses

This began as a letter to whackedwell.tumblr.com but after a while took on a life of its own and became a general letter of advise to men that like to be spanked but who are in relationships with vanilla women. I hope it is of value to someone out there. :)


Dearest WhackedWell,

I too have struggled with the vanilla spouse situation but I have reached some level of success in getting what I need. It took a while but eventually I was able to explain things to her in a way that made enough sense that she was able to understand how important this was to me. I would strongly encourage you to not risk destroying your marriage looking for an outside solution.

First, I had to figure out what was going on in my own head. There was a pattern at play and I had to analyze when I most desired/needed to be spanked and when I didn't. Exercise reduced my desire (reduces my libido in general). When our sex life was hot and heavy, I was also not obsessed as much. Stress, however, was a trigger. If I was inactive, I would feel antsy like I needed to be spanked to calm down.

This directed me to think about the brain chemistry surrounding pleasure and pain. I've done a little research and I found the book "The Compass of Pleasure" to be very interesting. A couple things apparently are true for my chemistry (though as I am not a chemist, I've probably got most of the details wrong): 

1. the pain/pleasure boundary is fuzzy. I've always enjoyed very spicy food, endurance sports, and I have a high tolerance for pain.
2. the endorphin rush some experience from things like the runner's high is something that I am very sensitive to. Though the overload of the full on "runner's high" is about as rarely attained for me as it is for most people, I feel and crave the mini-doses that exercise produces.
3. in terms of dopamine, I feel the pleasure or satisfaction from overcoming a challenge. My life is relatively fear and challenge free. The fear associate with a spanking and the satisfaction of conquering that fear and of absorbing the pain of the spanking all release the good chemicals in mass quantities.
4. some studies have shown that after a successful BDSM scene, cortisol of both participants but particularly the sub is dramatically reduced. Corisol is basically a measure of stress: higher stress, higher corisol. Thus, as a stress reliever, a good and successful scene can't be beat.

My understanding of all of this is amateur at best but the upshot is that a good spanking is like hitting the reset button for me. I become angry, feisty, grumpy, short, distant, and generally non-functional before my spanking. Afterward, I am calm, attentive, relaxed, and I even feel smarter and more on task. The chemical rush about five minutes after the last spank lands is especially intense. Some people say that there is a crash after this but I have never felt that.

In addition, I have had some depression issues over the past five or so years. The occasional spanking's effect of hitting the reset button has also been very helpful. Afterwards, not only am I not depressed but I am also deeply in love with and connected with my wife. This might be because oxytocin is released as part of my sexual experience during spanking but I don't think that is the only cause.

Next, in the Freudian sense, I have eroticized something from my past. There were spanking situations from my youth but I think there is more to it than that. There were shame situations as well as experiences of fear of being found being bad.

What I think happened to me is that I was deathly afraid of 'the worst thing'. To deal with that, I created fantasy scenarios where the worst thing happened. Like dreams, I lived my fears in my imagination. During adolescence, those fantasies became sexual and basically stuck. Through sexual fantasy and, of course, lots of masturbation, I was able to play out the scenarios and find a sexual release. The fear enhanced the excitement but the story or theme of spanking gave me a context to confront my deepest fears, needs, desires, et cetera.

That probably doesn't explain very much. The point is that my fetish or kink is about as strange as a man wanting a woman with big boobs or a woman desiring a husband that is calm and in control.

There is a book called "Your Brain on Sex" or something like that which was very helpful to me though I think the psychology of the book is a little stale.

Also, there is podcast by "Sex Nerd Sandra" called "Healthy Kink" (23 Jan 2013) where Sandra interviews Ryan Witherspoon about kink which was very helpful to me. It was so good that I had my wife listen to it.

For me, I need the sexual tension of spanking as well as the violence of the thing. The sexual tension is essentially what I am being punished for. My sexual response is inappropriate and I am being spanked because I think spanking is sexual. That I eventually orgasm during my spankings is just embarrassing and more or less proof in my mind that I am being rightly punished. My wife does not play this mind game with me; it is entirely in my own head.

I am always spanked before, usually during, and almost always after I ejaculate. I've never dared to ejaculate before being spanked though I find that very exciting to think about. Usually the scene is that I am being punished but can't control my sexual response like a teenager getting an embarrassing erection on the bus or in class. Eventually, the erection that is ignored by my punisher throughout runs its course resulting in ejaculation during my spanking. In my fantasy, the ejaculation is utterly embarrassing and without pleasure but in real life, they are strong and powerful.

I bring this up because it seems that my ability to enjoy a sexual response during a spanking is the most deviant part of my kink (spanking isn't even considering kinky anymore because it is so mainstream). It was difficult but essential to explain to my wife. More on that later.

I would suggest that you have a discussion with your girl and explain how important to you this is. She doesn't have to enjoy it or even really understand it because I am sure that you don't fully understand it either. I cornered my wife in the car (I was driving) and we had an hour to talk. One point that you need to stress is that you aren't sick. This isn't a disease. You can't get psychological help for this. I suppose you could but it would be expensive and probably not as fulfilling. Someplace in your past, the wiring got set and this is the way it is.

I came to my wife basically begging. I love her and didn't like where my need to have this fulfilled was pushing me. I wanted her to help me explore my needs. I felt like there was this part of myself that was off limits to her--my partner that I trusted with everything in my life--and that I couldn't be open with her about this part of me. Because of that, I felt like I was keeping something from her. I wasn't being completely open and honest. I wasn't trusting her and I wanted to trust her with even the most sensitive, scary, delicate, and dangerous part of me.

It went surprisingly well. I asked her to help me explore this part of me and she said yes. I didn't make my plea angrily or like a submissive. I was direct but nervous. It was clear that I was scared out of my mind. I had wicked dry-mouth and I kept stuttering and pausing to collect myself.

Another point that I made very clearly right up front was that our sex life, our married life, our life in general was not going to change. This was something I needed in addition to what our happy life was. I have, I think, lived up to that and in some ways it has made our sex life better. I am free to enjoy vanilla sex with my wife without wishing spanking was involved because there will be another time set aside for indulging my spanking needs.

At this point, you have to realize that you are going to have to compromise. I would like full-on role-play, domestic discipline, scheduled maintenance spankings, punishment spankings for minor infractions, impossible rules, costumes, and going to munches and parties. That isn't going to happen for me. I compromise by playing out the story in my own head and giving her just enough information to make my bottom burn at the appropriate time and intensity.

In other words, keep it simple. At least at first, keep it very simple. No speaking parts for her especially. Code words (green = more, yellow = back off a little, red = stop). Set a time, number of spanks, or some other indication of when it should be over. If you haven't been spanked regularly, make sure she gives you a warm-up before really laying into you. Otherwise you will bruise and freak her right out. Don't cry the first time. Don't freak her out at all. Actually, keep it safe the first couple times so you don't freak yourself out either.

I would suggest that you be thankful. Overly thankful. Get your romance on. Flowers. Dinner. Chocolate. Lavish praise. Clean the house. Do something for her that she has wanted you to do for a long time. You want the message to be "thank you so much. I totally needed that and the more than happens the more <this> will happen."

More than that, after she spanks you, you must be happy and pleasant to be around. A weight has been lifted. Serve her joyfully and thankfully.

A couple other bits of advise from someone that cracked this code:

- Be honest about what part of spanking is the part that works for you. I am weird that I need to ejaculate during my spanking. The sexual aspect is, therefore, important to me and the focus (rather than the submission aspect). My wife doesn't need to play with my penis or touch me at all, but I will be erect and probably playing with myself. I just had to get the courage together to say that "yes, I find this sexually exciting and if everything goes right, I will probably have a sexual release at some point." Once that was out and understood for what it was, the one time I didn't ejaculate became the weird experience and not all the times that I did.

- Don't make her give you a hand spanking. You are a big boy; get your spanking with something that will hurt you and not her. We have a variety of things that I've picked up over the years. The favorite is a bath brush about a foot long with a business end measuring 4" x 6". It is still one of the most severe in the arsenal. I also have an oak paddle and I made, a big wooden spoon from Wal-Mart, and then some specialized paddles from one of the online places. Stuff from Fascinations and the other main-stream adult stores is pretty weak.

- If you like to be humiliated or embarrassed, again, be honest about it. I like her to be clothed and me to be entirely naked and excited. It is a little embarrassing and I like that. I like be afraid and nervous. I also like being sort of out-of-control sexually excited. If this gets you off, she has to know that because otherwise it will be really uncomfortable for her. In other words, she has to know what you want to feel so that when she sees you feeling that, she knows that she is doing it right and you are getting what you need.

- My wife really hates me in a submissive role. She hates that look on my face. She likes her man strong, confident, and able to protect and care for her. My persona during spankings is about the least pleasing aspect of the scene for her. Part of the compromise is that I don't go fully into a serious subservient place. I keep things a little light and I actually stay in control of the scene. I sort of need the scene to play out in a particular way for me anyway but rather than being all passive aggressive about it and code wordy, I just remain a little more in control.

- Alcohol helps. I never drink before a spanking but I try to get a couple good strong drinks into my wife. This helps her step in the role easier. I think she has fun sometimes (though she doesn't like to admit it).

- Many of my spankings now are big multi-part scenes where I get spanked once and then we do something, and then again, and we do something else, and then finally I get spanked over her lap and ejaculate. I love those but the time commitment is huge and sort of stretches the scene out over the whole evening. Don't make the scene too complicated and if there is a complicated scene one time, make it really simple the next time. A 10 minute long spanking is plenty long and really not a huge time commitment.

- When it is done, it is done. Be done with it and go back to life the way it normally is. Be thankful and whatnot but don't talk about the spanking with her for hours afterwards. Note that I have blog where I process so that I don't process with her.

- I always ask for a spanking a day or two before. If we agree on the time, then I let it go and I don't talk about it. In my head, I am a mess of anxiety and anticipation. Outwardly, we are just going along like we normally do. I'll usually remind her the day of by just mentioning that I am nervous about what I going to happen that night or whenever. That's it.

- What you want for the scene--the plan, as I call it--needs to be stated at some point. Make the time when you outline the plan close to the spanking. The less you say, the better.

- Waiting sucks and is awesome. Let her know that there is no rush but you are ready for your spanking whenever she is ready to give it to you. Then get out of her hair.

So, good luck. You aren't sick and there is nothing wrong with you. People that are into this are no more diagnosed with mental illness than people that aren't into this.

Lastly, be direct about the mechanics of spanking. My girl needed a little gentle education about this. Make sure she knows to concentrate on the sit-spots and away from the lower back. I like being open and spanked right on the crack. I think this is because I feel my prostate stimulated. It is embarrassing and that triggers me. It is also very sensitive. Point is, talk about pace, intensity, pattern, and that sort of thing. Don't assume that she will know what a spanking is or isn't or that she will have any idea what it means to you. When she does it right, let her know.

Good luck and let me know how it goes for you. -John