Afraid and Chaste All the Time

This is an addendum to my Afraid All The Time post and will only really make sense if you read that first.

It has been a week since I gave her permission to give me a tune-up whenever she thinks it would be beneficial for both of us. It wasn't but a couple days later that I realized that constantly being in danger of a spanking based on her whim means that I am always thinking about that. Because of the constant threat, I realize that she is always on my mind and since she is on my mind, I keep focused on her, her needs, and making her feel loved. This is sort of the response that happens walking around with a stinging bottom for days after a hard spanking.

It is interesting that just the threat of a spanking intended to draw my attention to my wife is actually drawing my attention appropriately to my wife. Of course, for someone that likes being spanked, I wish she was properly provoked to apply wood to bottom but I dare not ignore her for my selfing desires. I promised I wouldn't do that and I won't.

Of course, as any reader of my blog knows, I prefer being spanked when I am sexually excited. Spanking is erotic for me and even if it is a spanking at her discretion, I would like to 'enjoy' it as much as possible.

That said, I'm a middle-aged guy and not always interested in sex like I was in my youth. If I ejaculate, I am very not horny for sometimes as long as a day. Masturbation for me has been based on timing for quite a few years. If I think sex is a possibility in the evening, I refrain from masturbation in the morning. If I know I am going to be spanked in a couple days, I stay hands off until then to maximize my arousal and desire.

Not knowing if a spanking is in store and wanting to be at least able to perform sexually or interested in sex at all if a spanking happens means that I have to be even more careful about the timing of any masturbation activities I engage in.

I didn't expect this either. At some point, I will need to share both of these observations with her. That should be an interesting conversation.

She has yet to take the option, by the way. A couple nights ago she noticed that something I was clamoring to do for her last week in my post-spanking puppy-love state I didn't leap at this week. There was a look and a question about why I couldn't do the task but that is where it ended. For a brief moment, I thought she might spank me but she didn't. I wondered if it crossed her mind, but was afraid to ask.

I think that she will have to surprise me with a spanking every now and then just so that the threat benefits remain as well. The threat of something that never happens isn't much of a threat after a while.

Afraid All The Time

As I've mentioned a number of times in other blog posts, my wife is mostly vanilla. She likes a little spice but nothing kinky. She seems to tolerate my spanking desires because she loves me and I think she understands how much it means to me. I think she even understands and appreciates that it is therapeutic to me as well. A spanking every now and then derails my depression, reduces my stress, calms me down, and just gets me back on the even keel. It makes me nicer.

That said, there is an additional benefit that I think both of us appreciate: I really show my love for my wife in the days after the spanking. I think there are a couple reasons for this:

• I am just appreciative of her taking care of me. I top from the bottom and, truth be told, I am a bossy bottom. She puts up with that and delivers as best she can. Not only that, but I clearly find it very erotic and get off sort of by myself which means that there is no sexy time for her on spanking days. All that and since she doesn't like to "hurt" me even though I assure her that the goal of the thing is to indeed hurt me, I know that it is a real stretch for her to spank me especially as hard as I need. All this makes me very appreciative.
• In the day and sometimes days after a spanking--if it is a good hard and long spanking--I feel it. The soreness is a constant reminder of what happened and who created that persistent sensation. I can't help thinking about her all the time.
• Undoubtedly, lots of chemicals are involved. I don't remember everything about how it works but I am sure that the delicious overload of chemicals in my head is making me happy and in love.

We talked about this. Well, I had a little soliloquy. I love her all the time but it is so much easier for me to put her first in the days right after a spanking. It just comes natural. I want to serve her and make sure she is happy and comfortable. Cuddling seems like a great idea to me.

I'm just a big selfish guy. I try to love her and make her feel like a princess all the time, but I get lost in myself. It isn't like I only love her and only show her that I do after a spanking. That isn't the case at all. I don't love her move after a spanking but afterwards, it is my top priority to show her how I feel. Not only that, but I like being that. It gives my life purpose. I suspect that she appreciates me being this way as well.

Because of this, I gave her "permission" to give me a spanking at any time. I am not talking about some sort of domestic discipline relationship; I don't want to be spanked for being bad. What I want is for her to just feel free to push the button and put my love for her and my expression of it into overdrive whenever she thinks this would be nice. She doesn't even have to selfish about it because I love being like that.

She didn't say she wouldn't and she didn't say she would. In fact, I got the distinct impression that she wasn't against the idea at all. In the days following my last spanking, I was pretty much husband of the year. I'm thinking that she might want to turn on that sort of attention from time to time.

That was a couple days ago and I have realized something unforeseen about our new arrangement: I could get a spanking at any time. If we are both at home, she could at any time decide that I need my bottom blistered. The anticipation and fear is constant. A couple times already I've thought about what it would be like if I got the command out of the blue to get a paddle and get naked.

That anticipatory state has itself made me more attentive. Of course, if she never takes the option, that will wear off. I'll have to mention that to her.

As it is, I am living in delicious fear. It is good. After the first surprise spanking, I suspect it will be great.

Spanking the Little Boy Inside

I just wanted to feel like a naughty little boy. Taken, controlled, spanked, and dominated. It was a tall order and unfortunately the big boy in me thought the whole thing was very sexually exciting. This meant that I went into the spanking sexually excited sporting a nice erection, pre-cum everywhere, and even a swollen scrotum. It is admittedly a stretch to believe that a guy as large as me is a little boy (in spite of being mostly hairless), the mature genitals clearly in an expectant state of adult sexual arousal were not cool.

In addition to not looking the part, I wasn't looking for a spanking experience resulting in an orgasm. I was looking for an experience that would calm me down, reset my head, relieve the stress, and clear my depression. Being in control sucks sometimes. I wanted to be reduced to a little boy again.

I stood naked before her mostly erect. I was nervous. She sat impatiently. Waiting.

The spanking implements that I offered her were the stingy lexan paddle, the bath brush, and the big ouchy paddle. I said that I hoped she wouldn't need to use the big one to get through to me. I said something like, "my penis didn't get the memo about the spanking. He's going to be in the way but only for a little while. After I cum, please give me a hard spanking.

"I thought that maybe I should be brave and masturbate before my spanking, but I'm not that brave."

She gave me that look that says she thinks I am insane. This was my second spanking of the night. She gave me a 'warm-up' before we went to dinner causing me to sit uncomfortably on the very hard chair. I tried to not just worry about the hard spanking I was going to get when we got home. I insisted on dessert. She had a couple drinks. She spanks harder when she's a little tipsy.

Finally over her lap, I had a brief couple seconds to enjoy the awesome feeling of rubbing my partially erect penis on my terry cloth cummy towel before she started in on me.

It was very stingy right from the beginning. My pre-dinner warm-up was a little hard for a warm-up and it only took a couple swats to wake up my bottom. A part of me wanted to slowly build to a good orgasm but I was too excited to make it last. The sting was distracting but I kept humping the inside of her right thigh. As I concentrated on trying to maximize my stimulation, I stayed quiet and gripped the cushions of the couch.

She was focusing on all the best parts of my bottom. A couple spanks were on my upper thighs and a few were right on crack causing me to convulse. Those hurt so good. Then somehow she switched from the lexan paddle to the brush and the sting became more focused and deeper. In a moment of panic I realized how much it was going to hurt after I squirted. It was already hurting pretty bad and just as the idea crossed my mind that maybe it was already hurting too much for me to make a mess on my towel, that wonderful feeling of impending orgasm snuck up on me.

I moaned in relief and relaxed a little. It was going to happen. I felt the release build and as it overtook me, little convulsions caused my buttocks to tighten up as my semen squirted onto the towel. I felt the brush bounce off my clenched bottom but for a couple seconds, it didn't hurt.

Then it was over and my bottom lit on fire. I tried to be brave; I really did. Involuntary sounds escaped me and I wiggled under the assault. I don't think she was spanking harder or faster but suddenly it was unbearable. It felt like minutes went by but it was probably only a minute or so before I said in a very strained voice that I thought I had had enough.

She stopped. I sort of wish she would push me further but she isn't comfortable with that. Don't get me wrong; I was done and felt like I couldn't move. I forced myself up and gathered my cummy towel off her lap. My penis was completely soft but still a little swollen at the head like not all of the excitement had completely drained out of me. It was wet all over and it was hard to believe that the big puddle on the towel had come out my little guy just minutes before.

Perhaps next time I will be brave or at least braver. Still, it was a big hard spanking and now, two days later I still feel sore especially on my right cheek. I looked in the mirror afterwards and I was a satisfying bright red. I did good and she did good. My little boy got what he needed.

A Long Night of Spanking

It was late and after six spankings over the course of the evening, I was finally over my wife's knees and getting a blistering from the brush. It was the first time all night that I could actually grind on my wife's lap or on anything for that matter. The brush was excruciating on my already sore buttocks. If I could, I was supposed to make my little cummy on the towel draped protectively over her lap. I wanted so much to cum just minutes before that it surprised me that I had stopped humping her thighs; I was just trying to absorb the stinging pain raining down on my upturned bottom. 

The slow-down safe word was on the tip of my tongue. I knew I would regret it if I used it. Rather than the word, the closest thing to actual sobs escaped my lips for the first time during a spanking as an adult. It was a response to the pain as well as the frustration. It had been days since my last ejaculation which isn't too long except that the days were full of anticipation waiting for this moment. It had been days of being distracted at work and embarrassingly erect uncomfortably in my pants, in the public shower at the gym, and every time I went to the men's room. I had been choosing baggy pants, underwear that allowed me to be comfortably and discretely erect, and untucked shirts that would hide my arousal and possible pre-cum stains.

The night before, I tried out spanking positions in the house for over an hour. While I posed, I wanted to feel like I was being punished a little. I knew through previous experience that I wouldn't be able to self-spank myself so I tried self-figging. I thought that the sensation would be like a little pre-punishment and would put me in the head-space of where I wanted to be.

It was embarrassing buying ginger at the store the night before. I mean, I've bought ginger many times but this time I was looking for a big thick piece that would produce maximum discomfort up my bottom hole. I crave embarrassment so my erection strained against my jeans as I shopped in the produce section.

Through my arousal, every person in the store had a kinky backstory. Every bottom was a spanking target. Every couple was involved in a lifestyle. Every child played spanking games with their friends and siblings. Older women were on the hunt for young men to discipline. Every strong arm spanked naked little bottoms hard. I found myself browsing the kitchen utensils looking for heavy wooden spoons. Near the bath soaps, I inspected the bath brushes for something sturdy.

At home, I was alone and had lots of chores to do. I wanted to get naked, stick the ginger up my bottom and bend over every piece of furniture and think about whether I could be spanked effectively in that position and place. I waited as long as possible and then peeled the ginger and tried to carve it like a butt-plug.

Finally naked, I worked the ginger into my bottom and was initially disappointed by the sting. It was uncomfortable but it didn't sting or burn. I got my camera out and experimented on the bed with and without pillows. In my second position (lying flat on the bed), I was laying with my legs together and realized a sting was starting. I was having trouble keeping the ginger in place though. Staying relaxed was tricky and the more it stung, the more I wanted to bear-down but when I did, the ginger would get pushed out.

Out in the living room, I knelt at the ottoman and bent over (with my towel in place in case of accidents). I realized that I could easily have a ejaculation accident in that position and decided to try something that I have seen in pictures of men being spanked: I tucked my penis between my legs so that the not-so-sensitive top rested against the side of the ottoman. Then I spread my legs and snapped some pictures. I was very exposed and my little bottom hole was really stinging by now.

But I just couldn't keep it in. I was compelled to tighten up and it kept slipping out. I finally gave up on the ginger and threw it away but the juices were still there and irritated me long after it was out.

I thought that the ottoman was too low, but found that bent over a tall stool was good if I added a pillow. I also found a position kneeling on the stool (with the pillow again) and leaning forward over the kitchen counter was very exposing. Bent over the arm or back of a couple chairs was also promising. I associated different paddles with different positions and took notes on order of paddles and positions. As the sting faded in my bottom hole, I started to wish I hadn't given up on the ginger. 

The whole activity reminded me of when I first started being fascinated with spanking back in middle school. Seeing myself bending over in the bathroom mirror. Self-spanking myself until my bottom was pink and then inspecting the results. Sneaking around the house (and even the yard) naked. Planning and planning for spankings that only rarely happened.

This time, all the planning resulted in spankings starting the next day a little while after I got home from work. I explained to her that I wanted a bunch of small spankings; that I wanted my bottom to hurt continuously for hours, to be denied orgasm until just before bed, and that I wanted to have to keep asking for little spankings. She didn't seem to hate the plan. Maybe I am overly hopeful that she is starting to like spanking nights but she actually seemed to like the plan.

The first spanking was with the stingy lexan paddle before she started getting ready to go out to dinner. It was just a warmup with me bent over the back of a straight back chair. She started hard and I didn't last long before saying I had had enough. I went over the chair basically flaccid but stood up with a three-quarter erection which surprised both of us. I was happy but embarrassed that my penis became erect during a spanking. I am not easily embarrassed in front of my wife. Still, I was being spanked and that made me hard. What if I had been spanked by mom or dad as a teenager? What if she spanked me in front of our friends?

My bottom stung pretty bad but 10 minutes later, it had faded to just a little tingle. I wanted a sting that would last all through dinner.

I puttered around the house and tried to find some underwear to wear that would make me feel sexy or at least self-concious of my penis during dinner. I was mostly erect and the first pair really didn't work in that state. The second pair was tiny but stretchy enough for me to have an erection without binding. I decided that I should get another spanking just before we walked out the door so I stayed in just my little panties.

The second spanking was just before we walked out the door and it was much like the first one: short, fast, and hard with the lexan paddle. Abruptly after she stopped spanking, I was dressed and out in the car still recovering from what had just happened.

Dinner was good but we were barely out of the parking lot on the way home when I realized that another spanking was probably going to happen seconds after walked in the door. I squirmed in my seat and said that I was nervous about the spanking when we got home.

The next spanking was over the arm of a chair with lexan paddle again. The fire was reignited. After this, I put on one of my 'waiting' outfits. It is a one-piece pajama thing that that will allow me to be comfortably erect and either exposed or covered. It looks ridiculous which in some ways is perfect. I like the embarrassment of wearing clothes that are specific for spanking times.

Fifteen minutes later, I was naked on the bed with pillows under my hips and with my penis tucked back between my legs so that I couldn't hump the pillows. Again, I was worried about having an accident. She used the leather slapper which isn't very severe but that was the fourth spanking of the night with a stingy instrument and it was strangely difficult to handle.

Maybe twenty minutes later, I was getting the paddle while bent over the stool. It really hurt bad. I had my penis tucked back again. At some point she spanked a little low and I was surprised by how it felt on my testicles and even my penis. It was strangely arousing. Actually, if it didn't hurt so bad getting spanked on the upper thighs, I think it might have been felt good enough for me to actually cum. But oh did it sting.

That spanking went long past when I hoped it would end. I was putting on my spanking suit on wobbly legs but with a raging erection. The spankings were starting with me at half mast but ended significantly more erect.

There was a little delay after that spanking and before the next one. I was busy doing a chore that was repetitive and a little mindless. As I wrapped it up, I realized that the next spanking would happen as soon as I was done. My bottom still stung from the last one and I was becoming nervous, fearful, and, of course, aroused. My erection filled out the pouch of my spanking-waiting outfit as I shifted from foot to foot nervously.

Throughout the night, when my penis was softer, it would feel full. I wasn't touching my penis at all; this was spanking time and not time for pleasuring myself. I think it was full of pre-cum produced by the spankings. As I softened between spankings, I would feel full and then when I got hard again, the pre-cum would leak out a little onto my spanking towel, legs, or underwear. It was a good feeling and made me really want to cum so bad.

I thought it would be interesting to get a spanking with the wooden spoon so that she could spank all the sensitive difficult to reach places. I knelt on the stool and bent over a tall counter. She did a great job of lighting a fire up and down my crack and even inside. Something happened during this spanking:I started to like it. I wanted it to hurt and I pushed out my bottom so that I was even more exposed. When she stopped, I wanted to ask for more but I was too embarrassed.

It was getting late. I had more positions and paddles, but I knew we wouldn't get to them. I thought about laying flat on the bed with my wife straddling my back facing my feet and using our most fearsome paddle. She was tired, I was tired, and my penis was demanding relief.

I wanted more but decided we needed to be done. For the last spanking, I was over her knee and she started with the lexan paddle. My penis was again tucked back so that I couldn't hump but I did a little shortly after she started. The sting of that little paddle is intense especially after so much. Rubbing the less sensitive part of my penis against my spanking towel was arousing but also frustrating.

After a couple minutes, I asked for the brush and shifted so that I could hump her lap properly. After a whole night of craving exactly this, it at first was magnificent. Then she began the brushing and it was all I could do to concentrate on the good feelings.

It was the longest brush spanking I think I've ever had. I was making sounds that sounded a little like I was crying. I was surprised to hear them; it was a foreign sound to me. Eventually I came and it was good and long. She stopped just as my orgasm waned which I don't usually like. Usually I like her to ruin my orgasm--the end of it at least--by really blistering my bottom after I squirt. But I was exhausted and I went limp over her lap. My bottom was on fire and the thought of another crack of wood on red hot bottom sounded unbearable. I couldn't get up for what felt like minutes and when I clumsily did, I was happy to see that I had indeed squirted a big mess on my towel. Globs of my semen were stuck on my stomach.

It was a great night of spanking. I have had harder spankings but I have never felt the sting and the burn for so long. After each spanking, I went from relief that it was over to dread of the next spanking. The emotional impact of that was very satisfying.

Each spanking prepared my penis for when it would finally be able to ejaculate. Each spanking aroused me, tickled my prostate, produced seminal fluid, and made me a little frustrated. All the tasks I did between the spankings were acts of submission and love. Wearing my special spanking pajamas was a constant reminder that I was being spanked.

It was a great night for me. I don't think my vanilla wife minded it too much until it started getting late. Of course, with each spanking, I fell more in love with her again. She must truly love me too to take time to spank my naughty bottom. She wouldn't do that if she didn't love me, right?