Brother Sister

Disclaimer: This is a story of fantasy and is not only not intended to condone or approve of the behaviors contained herein, there is absolutely nothing about treating children as sexual objects that the author approves of, desires, or would dream of doing to an actual child. This work is written in the context of age based role play.

If you cannot understand this, have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, or are in any way confused about what is appropriate and legal sexual expression, stop reading now.

Lastly, I am not a pedophile, don't approve of sexually assaulting children, and only use these themes in my writing because I empathize and identify with the victims of these stories; not the perpetrators. Some of us like to be embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, spanked, and to be nervous, anxious, and afraid. Weird, right? To read more about why these stories were written, please see the "A Change To My Blog" post.

The Condition of Marriage

This is an obvious work of fiction and a strange one at that. Feel free to drop me a note with your thoughts of why this was rattling around in my subconscious (or conscious). I have some theories but, damn, I freak myself out sometimes.

I proposed to her and it was silly to do so. I was so in love and so naive. And desperate. 

She was the only girl that paid attention to me in spite of my condition. It was like we were dating and I thought we were. We weren't really intimate at all. We kissed, hugged, danced, and made out. I thought we were just taking it slow. I had felt her up a couple of times but that was it. I was masturbating all the time fantasizing about being with her and I assumed she was doing the same while thinking about me. 

My condition, however, turned out to be a problem. When all the other boys hit puberty, they got huge and hairy everywhere. I didn't. At first mom, dad and the doctors all thought I was just a late bloomer. Years passed and I just never turned into a man. I stayed short, skinny and hairless. Inside, things seemed to be working but my outward appearance never changed. 

It was obvious to everyone that something was wrong and I got picked on a good deal in high school by the kids that didn't know me from junior high. The locker room was awful because then it was obvious that I wasn't just short and skinny, but my little hairless penis still looked like a child's. Even erect, it wasn't very big. But, like I said, all the inside stuff was fine so it was erect a lot and it did just fine when I masturbated. 

Eventually there was one of those anti bullying movements and an assembly was called. Somehow the person running the thing convinced me that all my troubles would be over if we just educated everyone. It worked in that I didn't get picked on anymore but in the process, it came out that I wasn't packing anything impressive. My dating prospects dried up overnight. 

Sally was different. She had been my friend for a long time and she must have felt sorry for me. We started doing things together as friends, then as good friends, and then as inseparable friends. I should have known it was too good to be true. We told each other secrets, fantasies, fears, and dreams. We were best friends and if I had known better, I would have realized that was all it was. 

It was the summer after our senior year and I proposed on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. She must have seen it coming because she was so nice about it. In the end, she said she had to think about it. I told her that made sense because it was a big decision and everything. I was too naive to know that this isn't how it works. 

She came back a couple days later and said we had to talk. I should have known that that was a sign as well but I optimistically thought this made complete sense. 

I'll paraphrase to keep this short but the upshot was that she felt like we were soul mates and that we belonged together for the rest of our lives. That was the good news. The bad news was that she wanted children--lots of children--and she was deeply concerned about passing my condition on to them. In addition, she blushed and said very haltingly that she only was really turned on by men that were tall, muscular, and packing a huge penis and proportionately large testicles. Basically she said that if we were married, I would never or very rarely get to have sex with her and that I would have to accept that she would seek out lovers to satisfy her and breed her. She actually said "breed me" rather than impregnate or donate the biological material or whatever. She made it perfectly clear that large powerful men with huge parts would regularly have sex with my wife. 

I was crushed. It just couldn't be true that the woman that I loved and loved me back found me sexually repulsive or non-existent. I won't lie, I started to cry. 

"But, I want sex. I need it," I whined. 

"I know, baby, I know. And it makes me sad that I don't think I or any other woman will be happy letting you have sex with us. Look, I like it that you look so young. I feel, maternal, and stuff. Like, I want to take care of you, mother you, feed you, treat you like a little boy. Haven't you noticed that I kind of do this when we are alone together?" she asked. 

"I thought you just liked me. I thought that was how girls act when they like boys." 

"Well, I do like you but I kind of like being sort of a mother to you as well," she explained. "I think I like both things. Maybe if we were married, I would be even more of a mother to you. I like to protect you. I want to protect you like a mother would. I want to take care of you. But, I think I want to do other motherly things for you as well," she trailed off. 

"Like what?" I asked brusquely through tears. 

"Well, you've always been a very good boy. What if you weren't and you needed to be punished?" she asked almost in a whisper. 

Suddenly I was all ears. Something she knew about me that no else knew was that I was fascinated with spanking. In one of our late night confessional chats we were trading secrets and it had sort of slipped out how it frightened me but also excited me. 

"How would you punish me?" I asked also almost in a whisper. 

She paused before blurting out what sounded like something she had thought about far too long, "I would strip you naked, turn you over my knee, then spank you first with my hand and then with a hairbrush until your bottom was bright red and you were crying your eyes out." 

It was my turn to pause as I looked at my boy hands and considered the offer on the table. My erection wanted to do the talking. He twitched uncomfortably in my pants. 

"What if I liked it?" I asked quietly. 

"What do you mean?" she asked back. 

"What if I was, um, excited by getting a spanking? What if I had a hard-on and I had an 'accident' during my spankings?" I stuttered. 

"That sounds pretty naughty," she answered. I sensed she was smiling before I looked up into her hazel eyes. "Little boys that can't control themselves deserve lots of big spankings, don't you think?" 

"Yeah, ..." I trailed off. 

"Look," she said taking control, "we don't have to figure it all out but I think it could work. I want to be with you but we just can't have sex. I'm not sure what it will be like, but if you can accept this, my answer is yes." 

That was three years ago. Our wedding was interesting. We kept it small because it was going to be a spectacle for sure. Sally is 5'9" and I am more than a foot shorter than her. She is beautiful with long dirty blond hair, large breasts, a narrow waist, and wide birthing hips. She is an hourglass and I am a pale stick figure with blond hair. The pictures were crazy strange with me standing on boxes to make it look less crazy. Glasses make me look older so I wore fake ones. There were also lifts in my shoes, I stood nearer to the camera, and we used every other trick in the book for me look older and bigger. 

The honeymoon was also fun. We went to Disney World because it wouldn't be strange for a mother and son to be together. We were affectionate in public but not overly so. Still, we got some looks. I brought children and adult clothes with and switched between as it served us best. At the park, I was a little boy. At night, I tried to look like a man. And back in the room, I was a naughty little boy indeed. 

The first night was rough. We agreed that we needed to consummate our marriage in order for it to be real. It was her idea, actually, but I think the idea of making love with a little boy is disgusting for any woman. Over the year of our engagement, we unlocked the secret which was that no matter what, my high voice, short stature, little boy penis and testicles, and pale, muscleless, and hairless body was just too much to get past. 

So, she drank and she never drinks. I stayed sober and took my drunk wife to the honeymoon suit when the party was over. In the room, she drank even more, we turned off the lights, and I undressed my statuesque smoking hot wife. She was on the pill at the time so I didn't have to wear a condom. It was quick but wonderful to me. My little hands touched her naked body everywhere. I especially loved fondling her trimmed but hair covered pussy. My little fingers found her clitoris and made her moan as I executed techniques I learned from books, videos, and web sites. Eventually, I mounted her and while sucking on her left nipple, I thrust just a few times and spilled my seed in her vagina. 

It was nice. My little erection slipped easily into her vagina. There wasn't much friction but it was so warm and soft that it didn't matter. She was asleep almost before I climbed off of her. I told her about it the next morning. She didn't remember any of it but was happy that it happened and that we were officially completely and totally married. 

Hotels were difficult for us during the honeymoon and still are to this day. She has to be the visible part of our partnership. She checks us in, orders room service, meets the bellhop at the door, checks us out, gets extra towels, everything. But on our honeymoon we realized that we could just embrace the age difference. I started dressing even younger and no one looked twice. She was the young single mother and I was her bratty little boy. 

She spanked me for the first time the second night we were married. We were both so nervous. We decided that if I was going to be a little boy getting a spanking that night, I better be a little boy all day. At the pool, she was in a bikini and I was in board shorts with a superhero theme. I played in the pool while she worked on her tan. I had an embarrassing amount of fun but was a little naughty when I accidentally splashed her. I said I was sorry but she just said, "now behave or you will be." I was hard instantly, blushed and got back in the water to hide everything from everyone. 

Then we went out and got some lunch. I wore red shorts, tennis shoes with velcro and another superhero t-shirt. She bought me a children's meal and then an ice cream cone. I wanted a double but she didn't want me to have a double scoop. I threw a little fit and she relented. As soon as we were outside the shop, I dropped the top scoop. She gave me a swat on the bottom and an "I told you so." The tight little red shorts didn't hide how I really felt. 

She tried on clothes while I played impatiently. I was right on the edge of being a brat the whole day. We picked up snacks on the way back to the hotel. I was scared and too nervous to eat. She gave me a little grin and said that I should be nervous. She looked a little nervous too. 

In the lobby of the hotel, she stopped and knelt down in front of me so that I could look down into her eyes. She put her left hand on my shoulder, touched my face with her right and said in voice of an adult speaking to a child, "Now, I want you go up to the room and get ready for your spanking. Go potty, brush your teeth and take a shower. I'm going to stop in the bar for a drink and then I will be up to take care of your naughty bottom." 

"Do I have to? I don't want a spanking," I said in my best little boy voice and sulking pout. 

She took my little hands in her big hands before saying, "Yes, you do. You were very naughty today and naughty little boys need to have their little bottoms spanked." 

We were having fun. It was scary and embarrassing. Anyone listening would hear what we were talking about. Even if they didn't hear, it probably looked pretty obvious that a mommy was talking to a naughty boy who was very unhappy about what she was saying. 

I decided to press on a little. "Is it going to be ouchy?" I pouted. 

"Yes, baby. You know that spankings are very ouchy," she responded like a caring mother torn apart because she has to discipline the child she loves. 

"On my bare botty?" She just nodded. I must have looked like I was going to cry, "No, please not on bare botty." 

"I am so sorry, baby. It has to be on the bare or you won't learn to be a good boy. When I get to the room, I want to see a naked boy ready for his spanking. Do you understand?" It was my turn to just nod. "OK then, take my bags up with you. Now get going." I picked up the bags--two in each hand--and shuffled toward the elevator. 

Sally stood up behind me, turned to the right, and went to get a mommy drink at the bar. 

I showered quickly and brushed my teeth. Then I just walked naked around the room nervously. I was impossibly excited and my penis was likewise impossibly hard and pointing straight up at my chin. My scrotum was tight around my grape size testicles like just before I shoot. Though I had an idea of what to expect, I didn't know the details and that made it maddening. 

I heard her card in the door and my heart stopped. She walked in smiling which made me just a little less nervous. "I see you are ready for your spanking, young man. That's good. Looks like you are ready for something else too. A little excited, I see. A hard penis while waiting for a spanking? Hmph, that isn't very good. Well, what did I expect? You've been very naughty today. A good hard spanking is just what you need. 

"Go stand facing that corner while I get everything ready," said commanded pointing at the furthest corner of the room. I shuffled over there under her gaze and took my position facing the corner. The sounds of the closest door opening and closing, the bathroom door, the toilet flushing, clothes being changed, a zipper opening, furniture moving, just made me more nervous. My erection twitched. Just the night before, my little guy had been inside a woman. I was a man. I wasn't a little boy. I wasn't even a virgin. I was a grown, married man standing naked in the corner waiting for his pale buttocks to be turned bright red by a woman technically two months younger than him. 

"OK, let's get started, naughty boy. Come over here." I turned to see my wife dressed like a mother from the fifties with a long dress and an apron. "My goodness, you still have a hard penis. We will have to take care of that, I suppose. Little boys don't appreciate their punishment when they have a hard penis." 

She was sitting on a small padded bench. Next to her right side was a small dark wood hairbrush. I gulped so loud I was sure she heard it. On legs so heavy I had trouble moving them, I walked over to her and when I got close, she just patted her lap with the hand that wasn't holding the brush. 

"I'm sorry I was bad," I said standing at her side. 

"It is too late for sorries. You need a spanking." 

"Is it going to hurt?" I asked stalling. 

"I think you will do some crying," she said reassuringly. 

"Please, I don't want ouchies," I whined. 

"That is enough, little boy. Over my lap. Now." 

I didn't push my luck and bent forward over her lap. My penis rubbed on her apron and I gasped. I humped a little loving the feeling. 

"Stop that, you dirty little boy. If you take your hand spanking like a brave boy, you can do some of that when I use the brush." 

I immediately stopped humping as her right hand gently rubbed and patted my bottom. She wrapped her left arm around my middle, patted a little more firmly twice, and then took her hand away. She paused probably for a second but it seemed like minutes before the first spank landed. It was surprisingly not painful right away though it sure sounded like it should have been. 

She spanked me slowly at first but then seemed to gain some confidence. Later she told me that she had been worried about breaking me. I seemed so small and frail on her lap. When I didn't snap in half and actually didn't even start crying right away, she realized that I could take more. 

It got harder and faster and I did start making some noise. At some point, I realized that with all that noise, someone in the hall would be able to hear what was going on in the room and it would be completely obvious what that was. It was starting to sting pretty good and I was starting to feel like maybe I really had been naughty when she suddenly stopped. There was a pause and then I felt the wood of the brush as she rested it on my bottom. 

"OK, ready for the hairbrush?" she asked rhetorically. "This brush will really sting. I know; my mother used to spank me with this hairbrush. She spanked my bothers and sisters too but since I am the oldest, she said I should have it. She gave it to me a couple years ago. She said that her mother spanked her with it too. 

"This brush has blistered a lot of bottoms and caused a lot of tears. Momma said she spanked daddy with it sometimes and sometimes he even spanked her with it. I don't think anyone ever has used it on their hair. But, enough about the history of this hairbrush; I think it will speak for itself." 

She paused for second and I felt the wood of the brush rub a circle on my right cheek and then my left. She seemed to be thinking of something more to say. 

"I want you to make your penis do its dirty business--make your little squirt. This is going to sting bad so I don't think you will enjoy it very much but when your penis is soft, it will hurt a whole lot more. So, I want you to be a big boy and make your squirt so that you can really appreciate your punishment." 

After she finished, she took the brush away. Then suddenly it was back with a bracing sting. I jerked in shock just before my other cheek felt the sting. I gasped audibly. More spanks hit as she methodically worked all over my small bottom. 

"Aren't you going to do your dirty business? Better hurry while you still can," she chided. 

I started to hump her lap like I humped my naked bride the night before. The soft fabric and her even softer legs felt good even as the sting turned to a burn on my backside. It took longer to ejaculate than the night before and I realized as it neared that this was going to be the first time Sally would see me orgasm. Her first time witnessing her husband's ejaculation would be as she spanked it out of him. 

I clenched down and arched my back as my orgasm washed over me and felt her spank right down my crack as I did so. Semen pulsed out of me onto her apron as I involuntarily pumped and spasmed. Then it was over and the sting rushed back. I collapsed over her legs at first not moving and then as the afterglow of my sexy time passed, started kicking and clenching my fists. She probably wasn't spanking harder but it was faster for sure. I realized seconds after my orgasm passed, that I was going to cry. Then I did start crying. She didn't stop right away; she made sure I was really crying hard before she put down the brush, then brought me to my feet, and then back down on her lap where I sat in the little mess that I made. 

I clung to my wife and sobbed onto her breasts saying over and over, "I'm sorry. I'll be good. I love you." She stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and said, "I know, baby, I know." 

Eventually I pulled myself together and she stood me up. I had semen on my right cheek and my stomach. My penis was small but still dribbling a little. She sent me to the bathroom to get cleaned up. I got a look of my bright red bottom in the mirror and felt proud that I was able to take such a hard spanking. 

There have been many spankings after that. The old hairbrush is her favorite implement though there are some big wood spoons she favors as well. The brush sure lights fire in a hurry. Most of the time I make a mess on her apron. Sometimes it doesn't happen. Those are less fun, of course. When that happens, I know that another spanking is just a day or two away. She feels bad when I don't have my little painful orgasms and tries to make up for it when it doesn't happen. 

Sally's first sexual experience as a married woman was actually later the night after my first spanking. It was her, alone, on the bed with a little finger tip vibrator. I watched her writhe on the bed and then, at the moment of orgasm, she closed her eyes, clenched her legs together and growled with a sound lower than I can make. She was a woman and I felt like a little boy. She needed a real men. It was just a matter of time before it happened. 

It happened a few months later. I knew it would and I even brought it up. It was hard to do but I just wanted her to be happy. She found a stallion, a stud, a man to "breed" her. She stopped the birth control pills and a month later, he was in our home. 

I stayed in the guest room. She said I wouldn't be able to watch in person cause it would freak out her friend. Nothing like someone's little boy watching their mother get banged by a random guy to soften even the biggest erection. I said I wanted to watch and we rigged up a hidden camera. I knew eventually I would have to deal with my wife being banged by these guys. I figured it would be best to rip the bandage off and get it over with. 

It was terrible and awesome at the same time. He was hung like an animal. He and I weren't even the same species. She looked hungry but it wasn't love. He took her missionary at first. Her legs opened willingly and wide as he mounted her. As he came I watched him spread his own legs then drive deep to the hilt and the freeze in place before his strong perineum throbbed nearly a dozen times. Then he just rolled off her. His enormous member popped out of her and semen ran down her crack. More came out of her than I had ever cum at one time ever. He must have filled her completely. 

Half an hour later, they were back at it. He was behind her as they did it doggy style. She was facing the camera and just before she orgasmed, she looked right into the camera and mouthed "I love you" to me. Then she closed her eyes and went over the edge. 

She sucked him hard after he came in her from behind and when he was close, she mounted him and rode him to what appeared to me to be a mutual orgasm. Like the one time I had made love to my wife, he sucked on her breast as he came. 

When he left, I came out of the guest room. I was pretty upset but knew I needed to be strong for her. I kept it together but had to admit to her that it was hard to watch. We fell asleep in each others' arms. I woke up in the morning still in her arms. It was warm and comforting like a mother's hug. 

She didn't get pregnant that time or even the next four times. She seemed to have fun though. It wasn't always the same guy but they were all huge men. I didn't watch every time but enough to learn for sure that I was definitely not worthy to have sex with my wife. There was no way I could satisfy her like those men. 

Then it happened and she got pregnant. We were elated and, as as it turned out, it was good for me as well. She was so happy she thought I deserved a reward: I could have intercourse with her. It was intercourse, only intercourse. The lights were off and she got naked on the bed on all fours. I climbed up and with two pillows under my knees, I was able to penetrate her. 

She kept her face in a pillow and just put up with me. I took longer than the first time but it was clear it was doing nothing for her. When the men took her, she moaned, moved, and sometimes writhed. With me, she was perfectly still and perfectly quiet. She was just putting up with me and my little need. 

I liked it but it wasn't the way I dreamed it would be. I came and squirted a little seed probably nowhere near her womb not that it mattered. A man's baby was growing inside my wife. 

Two days later, I was back over her lap squirting on her apron before crying as the brush blistered by bottom. It was worth it every time. 

I have a baby now. I am watching her tonight while I write this. My wife is working with a big guy with huge muscles on making another right now. He is a young guy and they are working on round four. He is taking a long time this time and keeps making her cum. The baby is sleeping. I think I will just watch him work on her a little. When he leaves, she said I could get a spanking. I hope she isn't too worn out.

Sex and Spanking

Spanking is a perversion of sex. Consider the basic mechanics of intercourse: clothes are removed, positions assumed, and a repetitive motion is engaged in for the pleasure of ideally both participants. Compare that to a spanking where at a minimum one person's clothes are at least partially removed to expose the buttocks, that person is placed in position, and a repetitive motion is engaged in to create pain for that person.  During sex, the climax is a pleasurable orgasm but during spanking, the climax is blinding, sustained, and nearly unbearable pain. In sex, there is no intentional embarrassment or shame. In spanking, embarrassment and shame are maximized for the one spanked.

As such, the genitals of the person being spanked are important and shouldn't be ignored. Actually, that isn't entirely correct. The person being spanked privately broke a rule. Their misdeed was done in private and secret. Their punishment takes that private and secretive action and exposes it. Thus, the person receiving the spanking should have their privates exposed representing the sin now uncovered for which they are being punished.

But, of course, the privates of good people remain under clothing and are largely ignored except when they are exposed during normal sexual activity. Then they are exposed to lovers: people to which there is an intimate relationship, love and trust. For good people, their genitals are the implements and tools necessary to consummate a loving relationship and they are exposed only when that appropriate opportunity presents itself.

For the naughty, the genitals represent the misdeed, misbehavior, sin, or offense. Their exposure--their display--is entirely appropriate during punishment. Drawing attention to the genitals represents uncovering the misbehavior that precipitated the spanking.

One must also realize that the buttocks can be part of or an extension of the genitals during sex. Spanking the bottom rather than caressing, kissing, or penetrating it turns that part of a person from a source of pleasure to a source of immense pain and humiliation.

As blood flows to the spanked area, it naturally also effects the genitals. Women's labials swell as does the clitoris. They produce lubrication. Essentially, their bodies respond as if sex was eminent even though it is likely and for most women the furthest thing from their mind.

Some men also achieve an erection and a few--especially young men--ejaculate because of either the stimulation of the genitals against whatever surface they find themselves touching or because the spanking stimulates their prostate. Of course, sexual desirability of the spanker can have a dramatic effect on men as well.

Though perhaps pleasurable in the moment of orgasm, finding sexual fulfillment during a spanking is aberrant and since the orgasm was an effect of the punishment, it is fair game for increasing the embarrassment and humiliation of the punished. It is a time of punishment, not sexual pleasure. The spanker should not only point out the inappropriate sexual response but should create it if possible.

When spanking a woman, she should be positioned with her vagina in full view. As when the woman positions herself open, accessible, and ready to accept your lover's touch, kisses, and phallus, she should be positioned in a similar position. Thus positioned ready to receive her lover, she will instead receive her punishment.

The male's uncontrollable erection response should not be ignored. He should be teased verbally and physically. His erection in this case is not a powerful symbol of his male sexual virility but a sign of his inability to control himself and his perversion at finding his punishment exciting. Rather than making him more of a man, it shows that he is an undisciplined child capable only of the most sophomoric sexual responses such as premature ejaculation or inappropriate erections in class or the pool.

During the spanking, both genders may gyrate their hips in mock coital fashion either involuntarily or because such motions provide some stimulation to clitoris or erection. Attention should be drawn to this in order to embarrass or control the spankee. Keeping them still to prevent stimulation is an option and will cause great frustration. However, drawing attention to their lewd behavior by either mocking their movements or encouraging them is very embarrassing.

Orgasms for either gender are the problem of the person being spanked. The spanker doesn't need to allow the orgasm to occur or to be enjoyed if it does occur. It may be advantageous to reduce the intensity of the spanking so that the spankee can finish their "dirty business" which is presumably holding up the punishment. 

Regardless of whether the climax is encouraged or not, an orgasm should be a sign that the spanking should intensify to essentially "spank away" any pleasure being experienced. Since the spanking will be more intense and hurt more after the sexual release, it makes complete sense to allow the release to occur or cause it to occur before or during the spanking.

Though some spankers require private masturbation prior to the spanking in order to eliminate the sexual tension and, thus, make the punishment worse, this eliminates some--though certainly not all--of the humiliation. If the man is sent to the bathroom to ejaculate, the impatient spanker should make a good show of requesting status updates to make it perfectly clear that this momentary indulgence in his pleasure is an inconvenient gift to him. Better perhaps would be to not send him away to ejaculate but to witness the proceedings and provide visual and verbal annoyance at this unnecessary step and his inability to perform it in a timely and visually impressive manner. Of course, it is entirely appropriate to take the task in hand directly and clinically to assure that it is done 'correctly' and ruined appropriately.

Lastly, though the spanking may not be a sexual experience, alluding to sex during spanking will enhance the experience for both parties. The spankee should be reminded that under different circumstances, their nakedness would be welcomed by a lover, the striking blows would be replaced by tender touch, and their writhing moments would be because of pleasure rather than pain. For the spanker and any witnesses, this isn't a sexual experience even if the spankee becomes aroused or achieves orgasm. That sexual response is not only coincidental to the task at hand but itself cause for additional punishment and humiliation.

Pretty Pink Panties Spanking

Author's Note: This post is an experiment and one that I am not sure I like. I am toying with a couple new humiliation ideas as well as a writing exercise that was very difficult for me. I am most comfortable writing in past tense and felt like it would be good to work on my present tense narrative/dialog style. Feedback would be very welcome, of course, but, yeah, I know I wrote myself into a corner on this one.

Author's Note #2: This was inspired by a real life F/m domestic discipline blog post I read someplace complete with 'stock pictures'. I am indebted to that author for the core of the idea but I could not find that post to give credit where credit is clearly due. If anyone knows that of which I speak, please help me out.

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She is driving to dinner but I will probably drive home. I think she is worried that after my punishment, maybe I'm not quite ready to drive yet. We did walk out of the house minutes after the last spank landed. I was still crying even as I got in the passenger seat. "You better dry those tears before we get to the restaurant," she mocked as we pulled out of the driveway. 

She told me I would get a spanking before we went to dinner with friends this morning. I had been a little stinker, not really bad but just not very attentive to her needs. She wanted me back on task and knew that a couple trips over her lap would do the trick. The first trip was right after I was out of the shower and was just a teaser so that I would think about what I had coming to me all day long. 

It didn't hurt too much but I also had a big erection the whole time as she warmed up my bottom with the stingy paddle. I just stood with my thighs against the counter, testicles resting on the cool granite, and stared into my own eyes in the mirror as she systematically warmed my bottom. My erection never sagged and even produced a big drop of pre-cum at the tip. It was over just as I started to feel some distress. These warmup spankings can't be too hard or I won't properly look forward to the real spanking later. It has to be hard enough to sting for a while and leave a pleasant tingle most of the day but it can't be so hard that I am too scared of what is to come. The idea is to make me erect and uncomfortable all day so that when it is spanking time, I am all worked-up and pop easily and quickly. 

Then I had to put on my "you're getting a spanking" panties which are thin pink nylon and almost transparent. I like the feeling of the nylon against my erection but they don't fit very well. Women's panties on a guy usually don't fit perfectly but these are too small both in size and style. Granny panties would be better but these are smaller--almost bikini panties. They are too tight, just barely contain my cheeks, and everything is cramped in front. The tip of my erect penis is almost at the too tight waist band. 

I soaked through the nylon at work. My erection was drooling all day making them wet and even more see-through  The few times I had to pee, I did so almost fully erect. I knew the spanking would hurt real bad but I still find the idea of my spankings to be very exciting. Memories of being a spanked by my mother, sister, baby-sitters, and girl friends interrupted my work all day. 

She called me in the afternoon and told me to expect to be spanked before and after dinner. She likes to do that to me because she thinks it is cute to watch me sit uncomfortably all through dinner and then try to delay the inevitable as long as possible after dinner.  

We also had to hurry the first spanking because the dinner reservations were early. I was excited hoping that I would still have my erection to protect me during the spanking before dinner. My erection is my spanking superpower equipping me with the ability to maybe not enjoy but at least tolerate a hard spanking with a small amount of my masculinity intact. 

I got home on time. It is always tempting to be late when you know that you are time-bound. I was afraid to do that and deep inside I was so excited about getting my spanking that I almost hurried home. 

She wasn't quite ready for me when I walked in the door. She told me to take everything off but my "pretty panties" and wait in the den. I went to the den and my heart sank. The big plugin vibrator was waiting already plugged in right next to the hairbrush. This is always bad but my stupid penis just pulsed a little more pre-cum into my already soaked panties. 

The wait was torture. The head and the top third of my shaft showed through the thin wet fabric. My scrotum was a tight little ball ready for just a little stimulation to give it an excuse to pump the semen out. My bottom had stopped stinging by lunch but now tingled in anticipation. 

She rushed into the room and gave her signature tsk-tsk sound when she saw my arousal. "I was afraid of that," she commented taking a seat in front of me. "We will need to take care of your little problem before your spanking, I think," she commented mostly to herself as she switched on the vibrator. 

Sometimes she teases me a little by vibrating my testicles or just the base of my penis. In the past, she has sometimes kept the speed low for a while or even let me get close to the edge a couple of times. Not this time. The speed was immediately on high and she meant business. Clearly she was sending a message that my behavior needed adjustment. 

It took less than a minute with the machine lightly pressing against my erection just below the head before I ejaculated. She pulled it away the second I started to pulse ruining my little orgasm. We both watched as I pumped even more fluid into my panties making a mess that ran all the way down the shaft. It was so frustratingly close to a real orgasm that I moaned "no" as I twitched. I stood there with my legs tense and pressed tightly together, tight fisted, and teeth clenched as I humped the air trying to prolong and intensify my orgasm. 

Even though it was a ruined orgasm, it wasn't really completely over when she patted her towel covered lap. On wobbly legs I went over and then just held on. She started straight away with the brush and though not fast or too hard, it immediately strung ferociously. After making a couple passes up and down both cheeks, she picked up speed and intensity on the 'naughty' parts as I like to call them. My bottom was compressed in the little panties and bounced embarrassingly as I fell apart, lost my composure, kicked, wiggled, and became that naughty little boy that got spankings growing up. 

She finished abruptly and made me stand up, immediately put on my clothes, and walk out the door. I was sobbing a little and the tears in my eyes made the world all watery. My little penis fit better in my soiled panties I noticed as I pulled up my pants. 

She has this look of satisfaction in the glow of the dashboard lights listening to me sniffle. It was a hard spanking even though it wasn't technically on the bare bottom, but it wasn't even the last one today. "I told Jen that you were getting a spanking after work and might be a little quiet at dinner," she announced and then smiling an evil smirk. "And I invited them back to the house after dinner to witness your bedtime spanking. Jen was a little unsure about that so we'll see." 

I am speechless.  No one as far as I knew had any idea that this was a part of our lives. Maybe the neighbors had suspicions based on noises they heard but I certainly hadn't told anyone and I didn't know if she had.

"That isn't a problem, is it?" she asks rhetorically. I answer "no" in a completely unconvincing voice. "Oh don't worry," she assures me also unconvincingly. 

The restaurant isn't far from our house and I am still just recovering as we arrive. I try to look normal as we walk to the door but the burning of my bottom, the gooey mess in my pants, and the new information that our friends will know about my spankings make that very difficult. 

Jen and Dan are already there and greet us warmly with smiles but I am reading more into that than perhaps I should. As we sit down, I can't help but grimace a little on the hard chair. "Rough day?" jokes Dan with a wink. 

My wife answers for me, "he has had a rough day. I gave him a good dose of the brush just before we came over and he didn't seem to enjoy it very much at all. Well, not that part. And then he didn't open the door for me when we got here so, as I thought, he will need some more when we get home. Will you be joining us?" 

Jen looked at Dan and after a big pause, "we talked about it and we would both like that. I wasn't sure about Dan this afternoon which is why I hesitated. If it won't be weird for you guys, it sounds, um, great, I guess." 

"No, it won't be weird for me," my wife quickly responds. "It might be for you a little. Watching a grown man strip naked for a bare bottom spanking that leaves him crying might be a little strange." 

I carefully inspect the place mat throughout all of this. 

"I should warn you, though," my wife continues, "Billy thinks getting a spanking is very exciting. He can be quite aroused and even sometimes ejaculates. I am not sure if he will, you know, 'like it' like it that you are there." 

There is a long pause where I continue to inspect the intricate weave of the place mat and apparently everyone is staring at me. 

"Billy, what do you think about them coming over after dinner to watch your bedtime spanking? Do you think you will be 'happy' about that?" she asks like I'm just a child. 

My soft penis flexes a little giving me my answer. 

"I, um, I think I will, um, probably have an erection," I mumble. 

"Do you think you will have a squirt ready to make before your spanking?" she asks her naughty little boy. 

"I don't know," I mumble. "Probably," I add quietly. 

"Well, there it is," she says to Jen and Dan. "See, sometimes if I want to make sure that he 'appreciates' his spanking, I will make sure that he ejaculates before we start. Other times I just let nature take its course. Before his spanking before we came over, I let him have a little squirt just to be sure nothing distracted him from the hairbrush. We didn't have a lot of time, so it was all very quick." 

A waiter cuts her off and thankfully the subject is dropped. It turns out to be a nice dinner and I stop feel embarrassed and sorry for myself as we talk about normal things. After entrees are finished the table is clear, that sense of doom invades my stomach as I realize that she will shortly reignite the fire on my backside. I pray silently that everyone will want dessert as my penis slowly unfolds in my now crusty panties. I twinge a little as the dried semen pulls on the sensitive skin of my glans as I swell to full size in the little panties. The waiter brings a dessert menu as I blush.

 "I'll just leave this here," he says before walking away. 

"Are we having dessert?" Dan asks. 

"I'm OK," Jen responds as they both look at us. 

"I wouldn't mind dessert," I offer. 

"Oh, Billy, you just know what will happen sooner if we don't have dessert. Your vote doesn't count," my devious wife quips. "We have some cookies at our house. Let's go back there and we can have some cookies while Billy gets his spanking." 

For the record, "Billy" is my spanking name. Everyone knows me as William but she calls me Billy when I am going to be spanked. 

They all agree, the waiter is called, the tab settled, and all too soon, we are walking to the car. I drive home just under the speed limit and very carefully. I don't want to make her angry but I don't want to hurry either. 

"When we get home, I think you should just undress down to your spanking panties, go to the kitchen, get those cookies, and then just bring them to the den, understand?" she asks  calmly. 

"OK," I say far less calmly. 

In the bedroom, I take off and put away my clothes and then take a look at myself in the mirror. The panties are a stained mess and my man size penis presses lewdly against a new fresh wet spot. I am mostly hairless and feel like I look like the little boy that received all those formative spankings when I was younger. 

I walk undetected to the kitchen to the sound of talking and laughter emanating from the den. I am keenly aware that my bottom jiggles a little with every step. Then, with the tin of cookies strategically placed in front of me, I enter the Den. The conversation doesn't end with my presence which is actually sort of comforting. Jen is holding the vibrator and I realize that the conversation was about how my ejaculation was triggered before my spanking. 

"Can I turn it on?" she asks. My wife waves and says, "sure! knock yourself out." 

Jen turns it on low and we all watch the flat "back massager" attachment blur. "Wow, that is pretty intense. It must not take long at all for him to cum with this monster," she speculates out loud. 

Like Pavlov's dog, my erection responds to the sound and sight of the vibrator, pulses and leaks into my pretty pink panties. 

"It doesn't take long at all!" my wife exuberantly answers. "I think he started to squirt in less than a minute earlier today. It was less than a minute, right dear?" she says pulling me into a conversation I absolutely don't want to have. 

"Yes, it was very fast," I say before a pause as everyone looks at me to continue. "She, um, only, you know, lets me start my squirt. She pulled it away right after it started so I didn't, um, it wasn't a good squirt, is what I mean. It was very frustrating." Why am I saying this? 

"Well, it looks like you are ready for another squirt," Jen giggles. "Did you make him do it into those panties?" she asks turning to my wife. "They are a mess!" 

"Yup," my wife says with a big smile, "and then he got his hairbrush spanking right--I mean right--afterwards. He always gets spanked with the hairbrush after he ejaculates. Isn't that right dear?"

I just nod. 

"He seems to really not like those spankings but knowing that he will get the hairbrush makes him really hard and he has very intense orgasms. I think it is cute and even when he deserves his spanking, I don't mind him having a little fun before his punishment." I blush and inspect the carpeting. "He is embarrassed. I suppose I should stop torturing him and get this over with. Would you like to make another little squirt, Billy?" she asks me. 

"Yes, ma'am," I whisper. 

"And what will happen after you squirt?" 

My penis throbs lewdly for all to see as I answer, "I'll get a hard spanking with the hairbrush." 

"Of course," she affirms. "Jen, could you hand me the vibrator?" "Aw, I wanted to do that part," Jen whines a little drunkenly causing Dan to laugh. 

"That's fine with me. Let him have a nice big squirt and then I'll finish his punishment. Billy, hand Dan the cookies and let Jen help you squirt." 

The steps toward the couple are on rubbery legs. Dan takes the cookies from me and nonchalantly takes one from the tin. Jen turns on the vibrator and tentatively extends it towards my crotch. It is electric when it touches and more big drops of pre-cum escape. She bites her lip sensuously enjoying the power in her hand. Gently she runs the flat end of the machine up and down my shaft and even tickles my scrotum a little. A little 'oh' escapes my lips and the impending orgasm builds. She teases me a little by avoided the more sensitive places and everyone seems to enjoy watching me sweetly suffer. 

"Jen, when you are ready, let him have a nice orgasm; I want him completely empty for his spanking." my wife instructs. Jen teases me a little more keeping the vibrator at the base on my shaft before slowly guiding it up toward the tip. My breathing becomes ragged and uneven just before I explode. My panties quickly again fill with my semen as Jen holds the vibrator lightly against my frenulum. My bliss runs its course and she only moves it away when I visibly relax. 

"Very good, OK, time for the hairbrush," my wife says in a sing-song voice. "Come over here, baby and let's take off those panties." Again on unsure legs I walk the two steps to her side and she hooks her fingers into the waistband. My softening penis yields has she pulls them down my thighs. As I take over pulling the sticky pink mess off my feet she says, "are you going to make a fuss like you did earlier?" 

"No, I'll be good," I answer quickly realizing where this is going. 

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, wipe yourself off with your panties," which I do as she pauses and then adds, "If you can stay quite and be a big boy, then I won't make you put those in your mouth but if you get out of hand like you do sometimes, well, you know what will happen." 

"I'll be good; I promise!" I declare boldly and foolishly. 

"Hmmm, I bet. Whatever. Over you go," she directs as I topple over her lap. She wastes no time getting started and I almost immediately cry out. "Now hush; don't embarrass yourself," she chides. 

It seems to go on so long. I bite into my arm to keep from making too much noise but I kick and wiggle while my already damaged backside is punished. The sting quickly turns to fire as I try to see how our guests feel about this. Through tears I can make out that they are both eating cookies and are completely transfixed on my backside. They are both at the edge of their seats. 

She finishes with a flurry of hard spanks right where my bottom meets my thighs which cause me to vocalize loudly and shamefully like a little boy being spanked by mommy.  

"Oh don't be such a baby," she says as I sob self-consciously over her knees. "Get up, get up, its all over." 

I struggle to my feet still holding the balled up soiled panties in my left hand. She pats the seat next to her and I sit down still sniffling. 

The next fifteen minutes are a blur as I try to focus on the conversation in spite of how bad my bottom hurts. Ironically, the topic of conversation is mostly about my bottom and why it stings so bad which made it even harder to distract myself. My post-ejaculation penis oozes a little more as he retreats even further. Jen kept handling the vibrator and my wife never put down the hairbrush. Jen quizzes my wife about every aspect of how and why she spanks me. After a while, I notice that Dan is participating less in the conversation and starting to look a little concerned himself. What might have started as my problem perhaps was becoming his as well. 

An hour later, Jen and Dan make their exit. We walk them to the door and as we wave goodbye, my wife taps the hard wood of the hairbrush against my burning bottom. My little guy swells a little in response as she whispers, "good boy," into my ear.

It Has Been Too Long

I really need to ejaculate. An orgasm would be nice but at this point I barely even care if it feels good. Any release would be good. It hasn't been very long but I really can't go even this long without losing my mind.

The little guy has been hard a lot these past couple days and I expect that he will stay that way until he makes his little squirt during my spanking a couple days from now. He's all shaved and ready for the big day. Little boys get spankings and even if I might make a a big boy messy on my cummy towel, I still am being spanked like a little boy and I ought to look the part. Little boys don't have hair on the penis and scrotum and neither will I.

What I like most about the days leading up to my spankings is how swollen my scrotum gets. I know that it isn't where the semen is actually stored but something about being aroused so much makes it bigger, rounder, and less droopy.

I don't like being erect in my jeans all the time. That is pretty uncomfortable for me.

I ooze a lot of pre-cum during these days and it always makes me feel a little embarrassed. The tip of my penis is cold much of the time because of the cooling and drying drops that escape. It reminds me how wrong it is to be excited waiting for my spanking. The wet spots and stains in my underwear especially at the gym make me blush with shame and when I put my underwear in the hamper at night, I bury them a little so my wife won't see.

The biggest problem is that when I have a couple days to think about my spanking, I start coming up with stories in my head about why I am getting spanked. My wife is becoming more comfortable with playing the games with me but she doesn't always appreciate the story line. Sometimes it has to just stay in my head.

The story line this time: I am not allowed to ejaculate without her supervision and approval. Sometimes I get to have sex with her but other times--when she thinks I won't be good in bed or she isn't in the mood--I am allowed to ejaculate only when my bottom is bright red and I have tears in my eyes. She allows this because she knows that boys need to ejaculate regularly but she doesn't want me to enjoy masturbating more than having sex with her. She will allow my orgasm but I have to pay for it.

First, I have to wait so that I really need it. This is indeed happening. Days of inappropriate erections, stained underwear, and being distracted. Delicious and cruel.

Next, I need to be spanked a couple times before I am allowed my little fun. The first time is a warm up so that I can take longer spankings later. Then, after a little rest, I get a long second spanking that in addition to making my bottom sting and burn, tickles my prostate producing more seminal fluid. There might be a third spanking just to torture me a little more. 

Finally, I get to have my orgasm but she spanks me for a while first to ignite the fire and take my attention away from the good feelings in my penis. She will then give me permission and instruct me on how she wants me to orgasm. She might make me hump her lap until I squirt or stand in front of her or go to the bathroom and masturbate while she waits impatiently perhaps even chiding me for taking so long. If I am over her lap, she won't even stop spanking as I work to release into my towel. After I squirt, she always makes me go over her lap (if I am not already there) for a fast and hard dose of the brush. I think the brush spanking should last as long as it took me to masturbate to my little orgasm. The brushing ruined the afterglow and erases whatever good feelings I felt during my orgasm.

Regardless of whether she plays out this story line with me, I know for sure that it is really going to hurt. She is getting so much better at spanking me and I think she is starting to enjoy it too. Last time involved four separate spankings separated by errands and chores. The first one was just a warm-up and no big deal. I've realized that I need a pretty thorough warm-up to get the endorphins flowing and so that I don't bruise.

The second spanking was with a spoon. I was bent over with my penis tucked back between my legs so that I wouldn't hump the cushion and make my mess too soon. I don't think I've ever been this exposed during a spanking before. The less sensitive top of my erection was pressed against the cushion and I could feel the cool air against the underside. Because I was tucked back like that, it felt like my scrotum was pushed back as well and it felt vulnerable to me. I was bent over and my legs were spread which spread my cheeks as well. I assume that my little bottom hole was visible should she want to look.

She is good with the spoon. It is so stingy but no one strike is overwhelming. Instead, she just lights little fires all over and then sometimes concentrates on one place until it becomes too much before concentrating on another place until it becomes too much. I can take a lot of this and it is my favorite. Unfortunately she has a new trick where she somehow spanks right at the junction of buttocks and thighs on both sides at the same time. It really hurts and I think she likes how I wiggle after she does it.

The spoon spanking was pretty long and I think I stayed more erect than not the whole time. When I finally got up, I realized I had been leaking pre-cum on to the insides of my thighs. It felt good but not good enough rubbing my little guy against my cummy towel during the spanking. I told her that she made my penis cry with her spanking and I think she liked that too much. 

The next spanking was a quick ten with the oak paddle over the pillows on the bed. I made sure I was tucked back again but I didn't feel as exposed. I should have asked for more but I am never sure about that paddle. Next time I'll be braver.

The last spanking was over her knee and I knew I would finally get to make my squirt. I was waiting for her by the chair when she walked in the room and my penis was totally erect. While waiting, I had been playing with myself but I had to keep slowing down or I was going to shoot. I was worried that I would make my mess just going over her lap before the spanking started. We have a rule that even if that happens, I still get the spanking. Just because I can't control myself doesn't mean that I don't get my bottom blistered.

I told her that I needed to cum and asked her if she wanted me to take care of that before the spanking. I offered to do it in front of her or go masturbate in the bathroom. She said she liked it when I humped her legs knowing, of course, that I also like that. I thanked her for spanking me and told her I loved her. Then I asked her to make sure she spanked me extra hard and fast with the brush after I ejaculated.

I had to hold back a little at first because it felt too good. After a while, it started to really sting and I started humping trying to make the good feelings in my penis override the burning sting in on my bottom. Always when I am in that position, I image what it must look like to my wife of all these years to see her husband humping her lap like a teenager in a back of a car on homecoming night. I imagine it is a vision of a hormonal overload coupled with a complete lack of skill mixed with desperation and selfishness.

It was a good orgasm that time but it ended quickly and was completely replaced by the brush punishing my bottom. At one point, I realized that I was rocking back and forth making my bottom wiggle while the brush just made it bounce. It hurt terribly and blotted out all other thoughts.

She didn't spank for much longer and she didn't have to. Her six foot tall, two hundred pound, athletic husband was reduced to a little boy over her lap. I got up quicker than usual (maybe I didn't want her to get impatient and make me get up). The puddle on my cummy towel was bigger than usual which I think pleased her while also disgusting her.

As we talked for a couple minutes afterwards, I felt the wonderful brain reset happen as the chemicals flood over me and do their magic. 

Someplace out there is a picture of a man wearing nothing but an apron and a bright red behind washing dishes in the kitchen. The caption is something like "Real women don't do housework". I haven't been able to find this picture again and it probably won't live up to my imagination of it. Still, something about it spoke to me.

I feel love when people do things for me. Acts of service work for me. She likes gifts but I suck at gifts. I am trying but I can do acts of service as well as receive them. I decided I didn't want her to do housework anymore. I want her to never have to wash a pan or do laundry or shovel the drive way or take out the garbage. The only thing I ask is that sometimes she picks up a paddle or spoon or brush and makes my bottom bright red.

In just a couple days, I am going to get a spanking and in just a couple days time, my little penis will get to play grownup and squirt out all the built up cum. She will probably let me hump her lap but she might make me take care of it before we even start the spanking. She might stop in the middle and send me to the bathroom to take care of my problem. Or she might spank me so hard that I can't do my dirty business and will just have to wait until the spanking is over before slinking off to the bathroom to rub my little guy until he dribbles onto a little piece of toilet paper while I think about what it would be like have sex with a woman.

She loves me and I think she is starting to like spanking me. This is getting interesting. 

Crisis, Spanking, and Thanksgiving

I don't want to wear clothes today so I'm not going to. It is my house; I can do what I want in my house. If I want to walk around showing off my red bottom, I am going to do that. I earned it after all. Even my proud little soldier that had such a big cummy on his towel just a little while ago has bounce back from little boy mode. He is a little messy because I was in a hurry after my spanking and didn't get him completely cleaned up. He looks like he had a good time. Dried semen is flaking off my shaft and a little bit of sticky pre-cum continues to form at the tip. He isn't getting completely erect but he keeps swelling up like he is flexing. He seems so proud of himself like he impregnated a woman instead of just squirting all over himself during a spanking.

This happy spanking that I am currently basking in the afterglow of had a rocky start. Because things turned out so well, I think I am particularly inclined to prolong the moment.

A couple days ago, there was a moment of miscommunication. Or maybe she was communicating very clearly but what she said cut me deep. I mentioned something about how much I appreciated being spanked by her. We had been quiet for a while and things drifted around in my head. This popped in and I just blurted it out in a moment of honesty and openness. She responded with a tone that cut me off and cut me deep. It probably wasn't intended that way but I took it the worst way possible and was crushed and destroyed.

I bottled it up and stayed quiet but when I got the chance, I started writing. At first, it was a manifesto but after many hours, I was able to trim it down to a couple pages that I left for her to read yesterday.

Spanking to me isn't a kink or a fetish or at least it isn't only one of those two things. It isn't a kink because so many people do it that it isn't even really considered kinky by really kinky people. It isn't really a fetish because I don't need spanking to be sexually aroused or to orgasm. Rather, spanking contextualizes and helps me cope with my deepest fears. I hate being embarrassed, losing, being humiliated, deserving of punishment, or the negative center of attention. Being spanked means having all those scary horrible things happen to me all at once.

It is embarrassing for me to be spanked or even to ask for a spanking. I feel self conscious collecting the paddles and my special towel in case I make a mess. Being erect, excited and dripping puddles of pre-cum while collecting the spanking implements or anticipating the spanking fills me with shame. The night before or day before my scheduled spanking, I soak my underwear, don't sleep, surf the web endlessly, get hard in the shower at the gym, and even get testicle headaches from being erect for so long. I have to wear special underwear that absorbs the slippery emissions, long shirts to hide my erections, and pants that don't constrict. All this leads up to a time that I crave and hate.

I don't know why I feel this way and I don't care anymore but I can speculate. A couple things probably came together inadvertently in a Freudian wet-dream. I was spanked as a child and I played spanking games with my sister when I was little had a girl friend that liked me to spank her when I was a little older. I was taught early to not embarrass my mother and that it was terrible to be ugly, poor, fat, untalented, or stupid. I had to be smart, attractive, gracious, law abiding, pure, honorable, and a nice boy. Failure was unspeakable and actually was incredibly rare. I never learned how to miss the mark without experiencing overwhelming shame because I rarely missed the mark. The more I succeeded, the greater the fear of when I would fail.

As an adult, I feel incredible pressure and stress to be perfect and I fear what would happen to me, my family, and my life if I failed. When I am spanked, I live out this failure in a controlled way. I am stripped naked and exposed as a pervert with an erection dripping lewdly. My naked form displays all my imperfections that I normally cover with clothes: small genitals, weak chest, patchy back hair (when I haven't had it waxed off), moles-a-plenty, and fat I can't seem to drop. I have to expose my bottom for a punishment that will make me cry out involuntarily, writhe against my will, scrunch up my face unattractively, and break down in tears of defeat as the pain overwhelms me and wins. My only hope is to put up a good fight and take a respectable amount of the pain. In the midst of all that, my dirty little penis representing all the unsavory desires of my twisted little mind will ejaculate proving that I have a perverted head full of bad wiring.

What I've written sounds good but I think is missing something that I haven't been able to really put my finger on. It is probably missing quite a bit actually. There are body shame issues and all manner of sexual issues as well. I was sexually aware but uninformed very early. I worked with what I had which wasn't much and when I was caught, well, it was disastrous.

Point being--yes, there is a point--spanking has been a part of my life for my whole life and I seem to have eroticized some of my phobias in order to contextualize, confront, and control them through spanking. It isn't something that I need in order to get off: IT IS A BIG PART HOW I SURVIVE! It is a core piece of who I am and to deny me this is to deny me. I haven't put it into these words exactly to my wife, but it really is such a core part of me that I fear if she refused to spank me, it is possible that our marriage would be over. I love her and would continue to love her but I would have to find a solution and I don't think she could accept me being spanked by another woman (especially considering that I would likely spray semen all over her lap).

I wrote and wrote and wrote and somehow communicated that in no uncertain terms, her blistering of my bottom is the how I will hear that she loves me loudest. According to the book, there are five languages of love: touch, words, service, time, and gifts. For me, the act of service of spanking me says "I love you" in my language louder than anything else. The languages are a feedback loop. One can feel love but be selfish expressing it. Generous lovers create generous lovers. Screaming "I love you" to someone in the right language makes it easy for that person to respond generously and loudly. My point to her is that I am giving her the key to me; she can show me love in a way that will make me melt with thanks, generosity, and love for her.

It took all day to get through our little misunderstanding. She can buy the boots regardless of whether my bottom is red and welted or pale and smooth. The difference is that she won't need to buy the boots if my bottom is on fire because I will be out there looking for boots to buy her. Late in the evening, we connected, talked, communicated, and it was good.

To my delight, she suggested that I get a spanking before going out to breakfast this morning. This actually made me nervous because I was worried she would really give me a blistering sort of to show maximum love. I am not a fragile man and I can take a pretty long and hard spanking. Still, she hasn't always given me enough warmup to ramp up the endorphins necessary to really take the heat.

I decided that a wooden spoon spanking would be the right thing. Unlike the big paddle, the spoon wouldn't impact my whole bottom at once. Also, they are lighter than most of the paddles. As an aside, my mother once threatened sister and me with a wooden spoon spanking that would bruise our bottoms and the backs of our legs if we weren't quiet one night while she was in PMS hell. I wanted that spanking but chickened out. I think what I am saying here is that I like wooden spoons.

I also got out the brush and the big angry paddle with holes in it. She sat down and I put the towel in place, thanked her for spanking me and told her I loved her. I asked her to spank me with the spoons (there are three: the Walmart spoon and two big ones that I think are intended for brewing beer) but that the brush and paddle were out in case I wasn't getting the message with just the spoons. I asked her to start easy and then bent over her lap on the couch.

As usual, my penis loves terrycloth and I gently humped her lap feeling my penis become erect. She started slow and I stayed still so that I didn't cum too soon. The sharp little spanks made me twitch which made me stimulate my penis on her lap. It felt too good so I arched up as much as I could to reduce contact. This opened up my bottom and gave her soft targets to attack.

She built slowly and before long it was a real spanking. I started humping again but not in ernest. She had been alternating cheeks with a big spoon but then just focused on my right side repeatedly until I was kicking a little and made some ouchie noises. When she switched to the left it was briefly a relief until it also lit on fire and more ouchie noises escaped my lips.

I was humping voluntarily and involuntarily at this point but I wasn't near orgasm. It was further delayed by a flurry of spanks that erased my mind. I was rutting with abandon as I felt my orgasm slip away. Thankfully, she paused to switch spoons and when she started again, it was slower and less intense. I took the opportunity to try to orgasm. I felt like I was 12 again and humping my mattress in my crusty flannel pajamas like I used to do every morning when I woke up. I didn't cum hard though it was satisfying in its own way. Ejaculate poured out of me as I convulsed and pumped. I felt my bottom cheeks jiggle under the spoon as I relaxed into my short little sexy time. 

As always, the good feelings ended too soon and the real spanking began. I tried to just accept the pain but I started kicking a little and making some louder ouchie sounds. Finally, I asked politely in a cracking voice if we could stop. She asked if I had had enough. I nodded my head and then nodded again much more vigorously.

I was up quickly this time, collected my soiled towel, wiped myself off, and then folded it and with a clean corner, wiped off some tears I was surprised were collecting in corners of my eyes. I thanked her profusely.

We went to breakfast where I had to force myself not to talk about my spanking in the crowded restaurant. Back at home, we cuddled in bed where my mostly and surprisingly erect penis throbbed between us.

I am thankful for a wife that loves me and is willing to express that love in my language. I am thankful that the vulnerable soft part of me is safe with her. I am thankful for all the good chemicals that were dropped into my brain this morning. I am thankful for the sore bottom that I am sitting on.

I wiped off my penis and stomach, but the little guy still has dried seminal fluid around the tip. My stomach also has a little crusty on it. I am naked on my couch nervous that someone will see my still slightly red bottom or my post orgasmic little penis. Yeah, I feel a little naughty. It was so good, I want it to last. The little guy has gotten hard a couple times while I have been writing this. He even spit up a couple clear drops of pre-cum. I hope I don't have to wait long for my next spanking.

Afraid and Chaste All the Time

This is an addendum to my Afraid All The Time post and will only really make sense if you read that first.

It has been a week since I gave her permission to give me a tune-up whenever she thinks it would be beneficial for both of us. It wasn't but a couple days later that I realized that constantly being in danger of a spanking based on her whim means that I am always thinking about that. Because of the constant threat, I realize that she is always on my mind and since she is on my mind, I keep focused on her, her needs, and making her feel loved. This is sort of the response that happens walking around with a stinging bottom for days after a hard spanking.

It is interesting that just the threat of a spanking intended to draw my attention to my wife is actually drawing my attention appropriately to my wife. Of course, for someone that likes being spanked, I wish she was properly provoked to apply wood to bottom but I dare not ignore her for my selfing desires. I promised I wouldn't do that and I won't.

Of course, as any reader of my blog knows, I prefer being spanked when I am sexually excited. Spanking is erotic for me and even if it is a spanking at her discretion, I would like to 'enjoy' it as much as possible.

That said, I'm a middle-aged guy and not always interested in sex like I was in my youth. If I ejaculate, I am very not horny for sometimes as long as a day. Masturbation for me has been based on timing for quite a few years. If I think sex is a possibility in the evening, I refrain from masturbation in the morning. If I know I am going to be spanked in a couple days, I stay hands off until then to maximize my arousal and desire.

Not knowing if a spanking is in store and wanting to be at least able to perform sexually or interested in sex at all if a spanking happens means that I have to be even more careful about the timing of any masturbation activities I engage in.

I didn't expect this either. At some point, I will need to share both of these observations with her. That should be an interesting conversation.

She has yet to take the option, by the way. A couple nights ago she noticed that something I was clamoring to do for her last week in my post-spanking puppy-love state I didn't leap at this week. There was a look and a question about why I couldn't do the task but that is where it ended. For a brief moment, I thought she might spank me but she didn't. I wondered if it crossed her mind, but was afraid to ask.

I think that she will have to surprise me with a spanking every now and then just so that the threat benefits remain as well. The threat of something that never happens isn't much of a threat after a while.