New Self-Spanking Plan

For those late the party or new to my blog, I make plans and then try them out with my wife who will mostly role play at least a little. Here is my latest plan which I am totally terrified to tell my wife about. Stay tuned to see how this actually plays out.

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This was a stupid idea. I've been up for hours after barely sleeping, my bottom stings, my penis is hard, testicles are full, and she hasn't even gotten home yet.

Last night before she left for work, I asked her for a spanking when she got home. After a long night of work, dealing with a needy husband when she gets home isn't her favorite thing to do. At least the morning spankings happen but they aren't like the long drawn out affairs that I sometimes request.

Unfortunately, the long drawn out evening spankings are really awesome. There is a warm-up and then a couple a little harder spanking sessions while I putter around knocking out a few chores. Sometimes we will go to dinner and before we leave she will really get a fire going so that I am uncomfortable sitting at dinner. When we get home, she'll re-ignite the fire and then keep me stinging and burning while I do more chores. Finally, I'll go over her towel covered lap and be allowed to hump her thighs until I squirt while she spanks me with the brush paddle. After I've had my little fun, she spanks harder and faster than ever until I am wiggling, squirming, and begging her to stop.

Morning spankings are different usually. She gets home after a night shift to find me nervously waiting for her. I usually barely sleep as I anticipate what will happen. When she finally gets home, I try to not look like the only thing on my mind is the spanking she agreed to give me. I try to ask her about her night and stuff but my voice cracks. One time, she bought breakfast for us on her way home. Though I greeted her at the door with my pajama bottoms on but tented out, I asked to sit at the kitchen table bottomless because my leaking penis was making such a mess.

Then she spanked me. It was slow and not too hard at first. I had to force myself to be still because the towel felt so good against my erect member. The impact of the paddle stung a little but mostly made my bottom jiggle and wobble. In spite of the embarrassment and pain, I liked it.

When she increased the intensity, I squirmed a little but not enough to make my mess. Soon though, it was starting to really sting and I started to let myself rub against her. I asked if I could squirt and she coldly denied my request telling me to wait. I tried to be still but couldn't. After another minute, I asked again and was again denied. I like to be denied. Actually, I like it when she begrudgingly grants me permission and I like it when she doesn't and I can't help but disobey her.

Usually she says something like "I suppose," and sighs. It doesn't take long before I enjoy my selfish pleasure. She spanks right through it and then I have to really take my medicine.

I thought that it would be, well, interesting, I guess, to combine the single morning spanking with the multiple preparation spankings like we do in the evening. Of course, without her there to spank me, I had only one choice.

Before I came out of the closet with my wife about my spanking needs (it is more than a fetish, really), I had tried some self-spanking. It never worked satisfactorily because I could never get out of my own head enough.

What if, however, I did all the warm-up spankings and she just stepped in at the end?

In my head, the warm-ups all serve a purpose: they are a form of foreplay gently stimulating my prostate, forcing blood and attention to my sex areas, and keeping me aroused but not overly stimulated. Like pounding on a ketchup bottle, the pressure builds just waiting for the right moment to spurt out all over. And I am embarrassed most of the time walking around naked with a boner and bright red bottom.

Last night I asked for a spanking when she got home this morning but said that I would take care of getting my bottom ready by giving myself warm-up spankings. She already thinks I am a freak but knows that before I came out of the closet, I had tried to satisfy my needs this way. She knows that it didn't really work. I assured her that knowing that when she got home she will take care of making me squirt and then squirm will help me spank myself properly.

That is all she knew. When she got home, my bottom was going to be red, burning, and stinging already. I was going to be ready for no more than to go over her lap, make my little squirt and then beg for it to all be over. 

Of course, as soon as she left for work, I realized that I could start spanking myself. For a while, I was able to refrain but I was hard and uncomfortably straining against my underwear and pants. I knew that I was supposed to be punished but I was torn between what was the worse punishment: being constrained or free but unstimulated. I decided that the anticipation was important and stayed constrained. Even when I finally went to bed, I kept my already soaked underwear on so as to not make a mess of the sheets.

Sleep was tricky. I found myself humping my body pillow and the mattress. Even the blankets tickled my erection. My bottom tingled anticipating the sting to come. My penis was frustrated that I wouldn't give in and masturbate. Minutes ticked by and the hours seemed never to pass.

My alarm was set for an hour and half before she even got off work. I watched the clock's second hand point straight up triggering the alarm. I decided that my first spanking would be just after the alarm went off. I turned off the alarm, rolled over on my tummy, and used the light paddle I put on my bedside the night before to spank my underwear covered bottom until I was stinging a little. I had to remain perfectly still for fear of making a mess in my underpants.

Being freshly out of the shower or bath with a wet bottom was a scenario I've never experienced. People say it hurts more. I put the paddle on the counter, showered and then spanked my wet bottom noisily. It did sting pretty good.

The morning continued with spankings in between each thing I had to do: breakfast and then a ten with the paddle, laundry and then a wooden spoon, litter box and the tawse. My bottom was getting red. Though during my chores, I would sometimes go limp, during the spankings, I would harden right up.

My bottom was getting pretty tender as well. I tried to get into different positions so that I could get all the different sensations that they have to offer. Of course, spanking myself wasn't easy in some positions. The best seemed to be just kneeling on the floor with my legs spread. It seemed best to set a timer on my phone for a minute or two depending on how vicious the implement was and just spank as hard and fast as I could for that time.

Eventually, I knew she was off work and maybe even on her way home. I was getting very nervous. I used the brush on myself for a minute and almost couldn't make it to the end of the timer. Looking in the mirror when that was done, I realized that my face looked puffy and my eyes were watery even though I wasn't crying. My mostly hard penis was crying, however. Pre-cum had been dripping off the tip all morning and the head was cold and wet like a dog's nose.

Now I had to make a choice: how did I want to greet her at the door? There were so many options. Part of me wanted to actually be spanking myself when she walked in the door. Let her hear me trying to punish myself with the sound of my whimpers as the the paddle strikes my bottom.

It would be weird, but I also thought about putting myself in "timeout" kneeling, facing the wall in the hall by the door. My naked well spanked bottom would be the first thing she would see.

Then again, maybe just standing there holding the little evil hairbrush paddle that always leaves its mark on me last. Naked would be a little shocking, I think. My erection would be on display immediately. Sometimes I feel bad because I am erect when I am going to be spanked and I don't always get erect for her when she is naked in the shower. 

I could put on pajama bottoms. The embarrassing tent and wet spot would be added humiliation and it would be more subtle than a "big" cock when she walks in the door. 

In the end, I left the paddle on bed with my special cummy towels and opted to wear my lightest pajama bottoms. I put them on and immediately made a wet spot. I also decided that I wanted my face to look like it did in the mirror. I should look like a naughty spanked little boy.

I got out the big paddle and pulled down the seat of my pajamas leaving the front covering my lewd sex organ and applied a couple swats. The "finisher" doesn't take much to have an effect.

And so I waited with pre-cum slowly soaking the front of my pajamas and bottom burning. Every couple minutes, I'd apply a couple swats to each cheek with the big paddle. It hurt so bad but I knew that each spank was making more semen. Each spank would make my orgasm bigger and better. Each minute that passed was a gift because each time I spanked myself I was preparing myself for my big cummy time over her lap.

With complete shock, I heard the garage door open and knew it was time for just a couple more last swats. I tried for 10 hard spanks--five on each cheek--before she came in the door. It hurt so bad being so hard and fast. I put the paddle away and rushed to the door. The world was a little out of focus as I realized that I nearly had tears in my eyes.

She knows me too well to think that I wouldn't be ready to go when she walked in the house.

"Hi babe," she asked cheerfully.

"Hi," I answered softly.

Looking me over, "how are you doing?" she asked knowingly.

"Pretty good," I said. "I'm glad you are home."

"Why is that?" she asked taking off her coat.

I paused. "My bottom is ouchie and my penis wants to squirt real bad," I said truthfully. "I'm happy I don't have to spank myself anymore."

"It looks like you are happy to see me," she said staring at my crotch. "Do we need to take care of that right away?" she asked with a note of disappointment.

I was so embarrassed, I had to look away before answering. "Soon, please," I said softly and fidgeting with my hands. My erection flexed a little and I felt even more pre-cum flow out.

"Well, let me pee first," she said with a huff.

"OK," I answered softly.

She disappeared into the bathroom and I stood beside the bed trying to figure out what to do with my hands. I picked up my cummy towel and paddle. The little paddle is curiously heavy. It is made from hard wood and is small so it makes concentrated little fires wherever it lands. Two or three on the same spot are unbearable.

She walked into the bedroom and I heard myself whimper in excitement, fear and anticipation. It was almost time. She smiled and rolled her eyes.

After she sat on the bed, I handed her the paddle and then spread the towel on her lap before finally pulling down my pajamas. They were so uncomfortable. The wetness was cold and the fabric kept pulling my erection down. It bounced free and happy as it was released from the confines.

"I'm sorry you have to spank me. After I squirt, please make sure to spank me long, hard, and fast, OK?" I asked quietly.

"Are you sure? You know how much it hurts after you make your little mess. Are you sure you can handle it?"

I nodded because I couldn't really form the words and then choked out, "yeah, I need my bottom to be really ouchie." The truth is, the fear of the pain after I squirt actually makes my orgasm better. But it can't be pretend fear; I have to really believe that it will be a really painful spanking after I cum. So, each spanking relies on the memory of the last spanking.

"OK," she said with a little shake of her head. We were done talking. No more delays. It was time to get down to business. I crawled onto the bed and across her thighs before lowering myself and carefully positioning my erection over her right thigh. I moaned when I made contact and savored the wonderful feeling.

"Wow, you are good and red already," she remarked. Wood on right cheek, then gone, then the crack of wood on naughty bottom. It stung but not terribly. I was a little relieved. My left cheek got a spank and I twitched. Nerve endings in my penis fired as I moved on the towel causing me to gasp. I let the spanks make me twitch and set the pace of my stimulation. It grew and in between ouchie sounds, I would sometimes moan in pleasure.

My orgasm was just out of reach. I would have hump her thighs a little to go over the edge so I asked breathlessly, "can I make my squirt, please?"

Predictably, the answer was not only "no" but she started spanking harder. The increased intensity make me squirm on her lap more. More squirming meant more stimulation. I ground on her lap feeling the conflicting pleasure of my building orgasm against the burning of my swollen bottom.

"Please?" I whined.

"No, not yet," she said coldly. The spanking continued and my squirming was mostly humping as I gave into the tingling pressure building in my sex.

"I, oh, please, it, I need, please, I can't stop it, please let, ow, me," I chanted. She said nothing as she continued to assault my bottom. But it didn't hurt anymore. I was going over the edge and couldn't stop myself. "Its coming! I'm sorry, no, oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, noooo," I blurted out before devolving into my orgasm as I rubbed my erection on the towel. My semen shot and then poured out as I enjoyed my five seconds of pleasure.

Then it was over--completely and utterly over--and my universe was just my bottom, a piece of wood, and her strong arm. I tried not to beg for her to stop. Instead, I wiggled and squirmed. My grip on my comforter when I ejaculated was now a death grip so that I wouldn't reach back to stop her. My teeth clenched to keep from begging. I probably didn't even make it a minute before I had to beg her to stop.

She did but then asked, "are you sure?"

Was I? I love it when she asks this question. I have three choices that will precipitate two results. Remain silent or say 'no', and she will start spanking again. If I say 'yes', it is over.

I paused too long thinking about it and she started again. Immediately the fire was re-ignited and shortly I was begging to stop again.

"Are you sure now?" she asked again to which I quickly answered in the affirmative. She stopped and I breathed a sign of relief before relaxing every muscle in my body. She didn't let me stay that way for more than a couple seconds. "OK, get up; I have to get to sleep."

I struggled to my knees and we both got a good view of my shameful puddle on the terrycloth towel before I carefully picked it up. "Thank you for spanking me," I said sniffling while taking the paddle from her.

"You're welcome, baby," she said and yawned.

No Permission Part 2: The Reality of the Thing

I am always interested in how the fantasy and the reality differ. Sometimes, of course, the fantasy is better than the reality. It is sad when that happens because this can sometimes ruin the fantasy. I would love to be brought to the point of crying my eyes out except that if I was crying my eyes out, I'm guessing that the trauma would be significantly worse than even a very severe spanking.

Most of the time, things are just different and many times the different is good. I think there is an additional challenge in BDSM where the scene doesn't always play out according to plan. Having a plan is important but improvisation is more the true mark of a genius.

The plan was to spend a couple hours doing chores and running errands getting spankings between each task so that I was constantly in pain and arousal. The last spanking was going to be the hardest and involve the hairbrush paddle. I was going to be against the bathroom counter facing the mirror with my erect penis resting on my towel on the counter. As she spanked me, I was going to be able to rub against the towel until I needed to squirt on the towel. I would ask for permission to make my mess, but she would just deny me until I finally couldn't wait, squirted while apologizing, and then earned myself a real blistering after I was done.

Most of the first couple spankings were awesome. We started later than I wanted to and the anticipation was deliciously awful. During my warm-up over her lap, I almost popped. Ten minutes later, I was in the same position getting a little harder spanking (the warm-up was more intense than normal even), I got close again. It was awesome edging during those spankings but I was very worried about the fun ending too soon.

Over a couple hours, we worked through almost all the spanking implements and lots of positions. Most of the positions were such that my penis wasn't in contact with ANYTHING so that I was maximally frustrated. After each spanking, I was always rock hard even though I wasn't always standing at complete attention beforehand. As I went about my next task, I would find myself dripping long stringy drops of pre-cum on my legs. The head of my penis was either cold and wet like a dogs nose or caked with dried pre-cum flaking off.

Eventually I ended up against the bathroom counter getting big cracks with the oak paddle. I was in the position I thought might work for my cummy spanking and indeed the position seemed good. It was cool to look down and she myself grow super hard as she paddled me. I suggested that we "finish" in that position later and she agreed.

Later came at the next spanking because we were running out of time. I had only recovered just a little from the paddle which made me good and nervous about getting a long brush spanking. 

I folded the towel a couple times so that it was a little higher and softer. The first problem I noticed was that I couldn't really push down on the towel. As she started spanking me, I rocked my hips back and forth. Though it felt good, it didn't feel great and when I am getting the brush, it has too feel great for me to cum.

This is where different can be better. I leaned over the counter a little in order to push down and get more friction but this meant that I was more open to her. Though I liked feeling my bottom jiggle embarrassingly at each spank when I am standing straight up, it hurt more and deeper when I was bent over. I had to ask her to go a little softer so I could get closer and she let thankfully did for a while.

I could feel myself getting closer and asked her if I could squirt. We had agreed that she would just deny me but we both suck at pretending, acting, and make-believe. She said 'no' and started spanking harder which was a nice touch. I slowed down but kept grinding because I was worried that if I stopped, I wouldn't be able to get back to the edge. The need was great and I asked again and got another simple 'no'. She was playing the role but clearly not able to really let herself get into it. I decided not to ask again.

I held out as long as I could and then just apologized repeatedly saying something like, "I'm sorry, I can't keep it in." It felt like I was apologizing profusely but I suspect that I was actually pretty quiet and inside myself. I wanted to rear back when I came so that when I came, the puddle would be at the near edge of the towel. That didn't happen. Instead, I was pressed tight against the counter and fully extended across the towel. Big spurts pulsed out in a just a second of bliss. For just a few second, the spanking didn't hurt and it was all about what we were watching on the towel. It was even pretty cool to see my own cock go off all by itself.

The only problem was that in my fantasy, I would be forced to push my shrinking penis into and through the puddle while she ruined my orgasm by spanking all the good feelings away. Because of where I was when I came, I just shrank away from my little dollop of semen. She really did put the heat to me though and it felt like she kept it up for minutes but it couldn't have been that long.

Of course, in retrospect, I shouldn't have tried to pretend so much. Neither of us are good at it. I wish I could lose myself in the moment and the role but I am far too self conscious to let go. Perhaps there is a chemical solution to that problem but I don't think there is. In fact, I like being clean and sober though the idea of sporting a persistent Viagra fueled erection sounds pretty cool.

I should keep the dialog in my head unless she is into it. If she isn't totally sold out on the thing, I am just a mess of self-doubt worrying about what she thinks of me. I've noticed that she needs to be herself and not some alter ego. Certain things, places, positions, and such work for her but only when she is present. I, on the other hand, want to be someone else. In fact, I am always struggling to be someone or something else. She is just comfortable in her own skin but I am always fighting against myself.

Still, it was great and, like aways, I can't believe how lucky I am to be married to a woman that is understanding enough to step out of her comfortable place to indulge me. But it is more than that and we both know it. She pushed the reset button. She cleared my head. She brought me back to earth. She gave me what I needed and I just hope I can somehow show her how much I love her.

Crisis, Spanking, and Thanksgiving

I don't want to wear clothes today so I'm not going to. It is my house; I can do what I want in my house. If I want to walk around showing off my red bottom, I am going to do that. I earned it after all. Even my proud little soldier that had such a big cummy on his towel just a little while ago has bounce back from little boy mode. He is a little messy because I was in a hurry after my spanking and didn't get him completely cleaned up. He looks like he had a good time. Dried semen is flaking off my shaft and a little bit of sticky pre-cum continues to form at the tip. He isn't getting completely erect but he keeps swelling up like he is flexing. He seems so proud of himself like he impregnated a woman instead of just squirting all over himself during a spanking.

This happy spanking that I am currently basking in the afterglow of had a rocky start. Because things turned out so well, I think I am particularly inclined to prolong the moment.

A couple days ago, there was a moment of miscommunication. Or maybe she was communicating very clearly but what she said cut me deep. I mentioned something about how much I appreciated being spanked by her. We had been quiet for a while and things drifted around in my head. This popped in and I just blurted it out in a moment of honesty and openness. She responded with a tone that cut me off and cut me deep. It probably wasn't intended that way but I took it the worst way possible and was crushed and destroyed.

I bottled it up and stayed quiet but when I got the chance, I started writing. At first, it was a manifesto but after many hours, I was able to trim it down to a couple pages that I left for her to read yesterday.

Spanking to me isn't a kink or a fetish or at least it isn't only one of those two things. It isn't a kink because so many people do it that it isn't even really considered kinky by really kinky people. It isn't really a fetish because I don't need spanking to be sexually aroused or to orgasm. Rather, spanking contextualizes and helps me cope with my deepest fears. I hate being embarrassed, losing, being humiliated, deserving of punishment, or the negative center of attention. Being spanked means having all those scary horrible things happen to me all at once.

It is embarrassing for me to be spanked or even to ask for a spanking. I feel self conscious collecting the paddles and my special towel in case I make a mess. Being erect, excited and dripping puddles of pre-cum while collecting the spanking implements or anticipating the spanking fills me with shame. The night before or day before my scheduled spanking, I soak my underwear, don't sleep, surf the web endlessly, get hard in the shower at the gym, and even get testicle headaches from being erect for so long. I have to wear special underwear that absorbs the slippery emissions, long shirts to hide my erections, and pants that don't constrict. All this leads up to a time that I crave and hate.

I don't know why I feel this way and I don't care anymore but I can speculate. A couple things probably came together inadvertently in a Freudian wet-dream. I was spanked as a child and I played spanking games with my sister when I was little had a girl friend that liked me to spank her when I was a little older. I was taught early to not embarrass my mother and that it was terrible to be ugly, poor, fat, untalented, or stupid. I had to be smart, attractive, gracious, law abiding, pure, honorable, and a nice boy. Failure was unspeakable and actually was incredibly rare. I never learned how to miss the mark without experiencing overwhelming shame because I rarely missed the mark. The more I succeeded, the greater the fear of when I would fail.

As an adult, I feel incredible pressure and stress to be perfect and I fear what would happen to me, my family, and my life if I failed. When I am spanked, I live out this failure in a controlled way. I am stripped naked and exposed as a pervert with an erection dripping lewdly. My naked form displays all my imperfections that I normally cover with clothes: small genitals, weak chest, patchy back hair (when I haven't had it waxed off), moles-a-plenty, and fat I can't seem to drop. I have to expose my bottom for a punishment that will make me cry out involuntarily, writhe against my will, scrunch up my face unattractively, and break down in tears of defeat as the pain overwhelms me and wins. My only hope is to put up a good fight and take a respectable amount of the pain. In the midst of all that, my dirty little penis representing all the unsavory desires of my twisted little mind will ejaculate proving that I have a perverted head full of bad wiring.

What I've written sounds good but I think is missing something that I haven't been able to really put my finger on. It is probably missing quite a bit actually. There are body shame issues and all manner of sexual issues as well. I was sexually aware but uninformed very early. I worked with what I had which wasn't much and when I was caught, well, it was disastrous.

Point being--yes, there is a point--spanking has been a part of my life for my whole life and I seem to have eroticized some of my phobias in order to contextualize, confront, and control them through spanking. It isn't something that I need in order to get off: IT IS A BIG PART HOW I SURVIVE! It is a core piece of who I am and to deny me this is to deny me. I haven't put it into these words exactly to my wife, but it really is such a core part of me that I fear if she refused to spank me, it is possible that our marriage would be over. I love her and would continue to love her but I would have to find a solution and I don't think she could accept me being spanked by another woman (especially considering that I would likely spray semen all over her lap).

I wrote and wrote and wrote and somehow communicated that in no uncertain terms, her blistering of my bottom is the how I will hear that she loves me loudest. According to the book, there are five languages of love: touch, words, service, time, and gifts. For me, the act of service of spanking me says "I love you" in my language louder than anything else. The languages are a feedback loop. One can feel love but be selfish expressing it. Generous lovers create generous lovers. Screaming "I love you" to someone in the right language makes it easy for that person to respond generously and loudly. My point to her is that I am giving her the key to me; she can show me love in a way that will make me melt with thanks, generosity, and love for her.

It took all day to get through our little misunderstanding. She can buy the boots regardless of whether my bottom is red and welted or pale and smooth. The difference is that she won't need to buy the boots if my bottom is on fire because I will be out there looking for boots to buy her. Late in the evening, we connected, talked, communicated, and it was good.

To my delight, she suggested that I get a spanking before going out to breakfast this morning. This actually made me nervous because I was worried she would really give me a blistering sort of to show maximum love. I am not a fragile man and I can take a pretty long and hard spanking. Still, she hasn't always given me enough warmup to ramp up the endorphins necessary to really take the heat.

I decided that a wooden spoon spanking would be the right thing. Unlike the big paddle, the spoon wouldn't impact my whole bottom at once. Also, they are lighter than most of the paddles. As an aside, my mother once threatened sister and me with a wooden spoon spanking that would bruise our bottoms and the backs of our legs if we weren't quiet one night while she was in PMS hell. I wanted that spanking but chickened out. I think what I am saying here is that I like wooden spoons.

I also got out the brush and the big angry paddle with holes in it. She sat down and I put the towel in place, thanked her for spanking me and told her I loved her. I asked her to spank me with the spoons (there are three: the Walmart spoon and two big ones that I think are intended for brewing beer) but that the brush and paddle were out in case I wasn't getting the message with just the spoons. I asked her to start easy and then bent over her lap on the couch.

As usual, my penis loves terrycloth and I gently humped her lap feeling my penis become erect. She started slow and I stayed still so that I didn't cum too soon. The sharp little spanks made me twitch which made me stimulate my penis on her lap. It felt too good so I arched up as much as I could to reduce contact. This opened up my bottom and gave her soft targets to attack.

She built slowly and before long it was a real spanking. I started humping again but not in ernest. She had been alternating cheeks with a big spoon but then just focused on my right side repeatedly until I was kicking a little and made some ouchie noises. When she switched to the left it was briefly a relief until it also lit on fire and more ouchie noises escaped my lips.

I was humping voluntarily and involuntarily at this point but I wasn't near orgasm. It was further delayed by a flurry of spanks that erased my mind. I was rutting with abandon as I felt my orgasm slip away. Thankfully, she paused to switch spoons and when she started again, it was slower and less intense. I took the opportunity to try to orgasm. I felt like I was 12 again and humping my mattress in my crusty flannel pajamas like I used to do every morning when I woke up. I didn't cum hard though it was satisfying in its own way. Ejaculate poured out of me as I convulsed and pumped. I felt my bottom cheeks jiggle under the spoon as I relaxed into my short little sexy time. 

As always, the good feelings ended too soon and the real spanking began. I tried to just accept the pain but I started kicking a little and making some louder ouchie sounds. Finally, I asked politely in a cracking voice if we could stop. She asked if I had had enough. I nodded my head and then nodded again much more vigorously.

I was up quickly this time, collected my soiled towel, wiped myself off, and then folded it and with a clean corner, wiped off some tears I was surprised were collecting in corners of my eyes. I thanked her profusely.

We went to breakfast where I had to force myself not to talk about my spanking in the crowded restaurant. Back at home, we cuddled in bed where my mostly and surprisingly erect penis throbbed between us.

I am thankful for a wife that loves me and is willing to express that love in my language. I am thankful that the vulnerable soft part of me is safe with her. I am thankful for all the good chemicals that were dropped into my brain this morning. I am thankful for the sore bottom that I am sitting on.

I wiped off my penis and stomach, but the little guy still has dried seminal fluid around the tip. My stomach also has a little crusty on it. I am naked on my couch nervous that someone will see my still slightly red bottom or my post orgasmic little penis. Yeah, I feel a little naughty. It was so good, I want it to last. The little guy has gotten hard a couple times while I have been writing this. He even spit up a couple clear drops of pre-cum. I hope I don't have to wait long for my next spanking.

Afraid and Chaste All the Time

This is an addendum to my Afraid All The Time post and will only really make sense if you read that first.

It has been a week since I gave her permission to give me a tune-up whenever she thinks it would be beneficial for both of us. It wasn't but a couple days later that I realized that constantly being in danger of a spanking based on her whim means that I am always thinking about that. Because of the constant threat, I realize that she is always on my mind and since she is on my mind, I keep focused on her, her needs, and making her feel loved. This is sort of the response that happens walking around with a stinging bottom for days after a hard spanking.

It is interesting that just the threat of a spanking intended to draw my attention to my wife is actually drawing my attention appropriately to my wife. Of course, for someone that likes being spanked, I wish she was properly provoked to apply wood to bottom but I dare not ignore her for my selfing desires. I promised I wouldn't do that and I won't.

Of course, as any reader of my blog knows, I prefer being spanked when I am sexually excited. Spanking is erotic for me and even if it is a spanking at her discretion, I would like to 'enjoy' it as much as possible.

That said, I'm a middle-aged guy and not always interested in sex like I was in my youth. If I ejaculate, I am very not horny for sometimes as long as a day. Masturbation for me has been based on timing for quite a few years. If I think sex is a possibility in the evening, I refrain from masturbation in the morning. If I know I am going to be spanked in a couple days, I stay hands off until then to maximize my arousal and desire.

Not knowing if a spanking is in store and wanting to be at least able to perform sexually or interested in sex at all if a spanking happens means that I have to be even more careful about the timing of any masturbation activities I engage in.

I didn't expect this either. At some point, I will need to share both of these observations with her. That should be an interesting conversation.

She has yet to take the option, by the way. A couple nights ago she noticed that something I was clamoring to do for her last week in my post-spanking puppy-love state I didn't leap at this week. There was a look and a question about why I couldn't do the task but that is where it ended. For a brief moment, I thought she might spank me but she didn't. I wondered if it crossed her mind, but was afraid to ask.

I think that she will have to surprise me with a spanking every now and then just so that the threat benefits remain as well. The threat of something that never happens isn't much of a threat after a while.

Afraid All The Time

As I've mentioned a number of times in other blog posts, my wife is mostly vanilla. She likes a little spice but nothing kinky. She seems to tolerate my spanking desires because she loves me and I think she understands how much it means to me. I think she even understands and appreciates that it is therapeutic to me as well. A spanking every now and then derails my depression, reduces my stress, calms me down, and just gets me back on the even keel. It makes me nicer.

That said, there is an additional benefit that I think both of us appreciate: I really show my love for my wife in the days after the spanking. I think there are a couple reasons for this:

• I am just appreciative of her taking care of me. I top from the bottom and, truth be told, I am a bossy bottom. She puts up with that and delivers as best she can. Not only that, but I clearly find it very erotic and get off sort of by myself which means that there is no sexy time for her on spanking days. All that and since she doesn't like to "hurt" me even though I assure her that the goal of the thing is to indeed hurt me, I know that it is a real stretch for her to spank me especially as hard as I need. All this makes me very appreciative.
• In the day and sometimes days after a spanking--if it is a good hard and long spanking--I feel it. The soreness is a constant reminder of what happened and who created that persistent sensation. I can't help thinking about her all the time.
• Undoubtedly, lots of chemicals are involved. I don't remember everything about how it works but I am sure that the delicious overload of chemicals in my head is making me happy and in love.

We talked about this. Well, I had a little soliloquy. I love her all the time but it is so much easier for me to put her first in the days right after a spanking. It just comes natural. I want to serve her and make sure she is happy and comfortable. Cuddling seems like a great idea to me.

I'm just a big selfish guy. I try to love her and make her feel like a princess all the time, but I get lost in myself. It isn't like I only love her and only show her that I do after a spanking. That isn't the case at all. I don't love her move after a spanking but afterwards, it is my top priority to show her how I feel. Not only that, but I like being that. It gives my life purpose. I suspect that she appreciates me being this way as well.

Because of this, I gave her "permission" to give me a spanking at any time. I am not talking about some sort of domestic discipline relationship; I don't want to be spanked for being bad. What I want is for her to just feel free to push the button and put my love for her and my expression of it into overdrive whenever she thinks this would be nice. She doesn't even have to selfish about it because I love being like that.

She didn't say she wouldn't and she didn't say she would. In fact, I got the distinct impression that she wasn't against the idea at all. In the days following my last spanking, I was pretty much husband of the year. I'm thinking that she might want to turn on that sort of attention from time to time.

That was a couple days ago and I have realized something unforeseen about our new arrangement: I could get a spanking at any time. If we are both at home, she could at any time decide that I need my bottom blistered. The anticipation and fear is constant. A couple times already I've thought about what it would be like if I got the command out of the blue to get a paddle and get naked.

That anticipatory state has itself made me more attentive. Of course, if she never takes the option, that will wear off. I'll have to mention that to her.

As it is, I am living in delicious fear. It is good. After the first surprise spanking, I suspect it will be great.

Spanking the Little Boy Inside

I just wanted to feel like a naughty little boy. Taken, controlled, spanked, and dominated. It was a tall order and unfortunately the big boy in me thought the whole thing was very sexually exciting. This meant that I went into the spanking sexually excited sporting a nice erection, pre-cum everywhere, and even a swollen scrotum. It is admittedly a stretch to believe that a guy as large as me is a little boy (in spite of being mostly hairless), the mature genitals clearly in an expectant state of adult sexual arousal were not cool.

In addition to not looking the part, I wasn't looking for a spanking experience resulting in an orgasm. I was looking for an experience that would calm me down, reset my head, relieve the stress, and clear my depression. Being in control sucks sometimes. I wanted to be reduced to a little boy again.

I stood naked before her mostly erect. I was nervous. She sat impatiently. Waiting.

The spanking implements that I offered her were the stingy lexan paddle, the bath brush, and the big ouchy paddle. I said that I hoped she wouldn't need to use the big one to get through to me. I said something like, "my penis didn't get the memo about the spanking. He's going to be in the way but only for a little while. After I cum, please give me a hard spanking.

"I thought that maybe I should be brave and masturbate before my spanking, but I'm not that brave."

She gave me that look that says she thinks I am insane. This was my second spanking of the night. She gave me a 'warm-up' before we went to dinner causing me to sit uncomfortably on the very hard chair. I tried to not just worry about the hard spanking I was going to get when we got home. I insisted on dessert. She had a couple drinks. She spanks harder when she's a little tipsy.

Finally over her lap, I had a brief couple seconds to enjoy the awesome feeling of rubbing my partially erect penis on my terry cloth cummy towel before she started in on me.

It was very stingy right from the beginning. My pre-dinner warm-up was a little hard for a warm-up and it only took a couple swats to wake up my bottom. A part of me wanted to slowly build to a good orgasm but I was too excited to make it last. The sting was distracting but I kept humping the inside of her right thigh. As I concentrated on trying to maximize my stimulation, I stayed quiet and gripped the cushions of the couch.

She was focusing on all the best parts of my bottom. A couple spanks were on my upper thighs and a few were right on crack causing me to convulse. Those hurt so good. Then somehow she switched from the lexan paddle to the brush and the sting became more focused and deeper. In a moment of panic I realized how much it was going to hurt after I squirted. It was already hurting pretty bad and just as the idea crossed my mind that maybe it was already hurting too much for me to make a mess on my towel, that wonderful feeling of impending orgasm snuck up on me.

I moaned in relief and relaxed a little. It was going to happen. I felt the release build and as it overtook me, little convulsions caused my buttocks to tighten up as my semen squirted onto the towel. I felt the brush bounce off my clenched bottom but for a couple seconds, it didn't hurt.

Then it was over and my bottom lit on fire. I tried to be brave; I really did. Involuntary sounds escaped me and I wiggled under the assault. I don't think she was spanking harder or faster but suddenly it was unbearable. It felt like minutes went by but it was probably only a minute or so before I said in a very strained voice that I thought I had had enough.

She stopped. I sort of wish she would push me further but she isn't comfortable with that. Don't get me wrong; I was done and felt like I couldn't move. I forced myself up and gathered my cummy towel off her lap. My penis was completely soft but still a little swollen at the head like not all of the excitement had completely drained out of me. It was wet all over and it was hard to believe that the big puddle on the towel had come out my little guy just minutes before.

Perhaps next time I will be brave or at least braver. Still, it was a big hard spanking and now, two days later I still feel sore especially on my right cheek. I looked in the mirror afterwards and I was a satisfying bright red. I did good and she did good. My little boy got what he needed.

An Open Letter To Spanko Men Married to Vanilla Spouses

This began as a letter to whackedwell.tumblr.com but after a while took on a life of its own and became a general letter of advise to men that like to be spanked but who are in relationships with vanilla women. I hope it is of value to someone out there. :)


Dearest WhackedWell,

I too have struggled with the vanilla spouse situation but I have reached some level of success in getting what I need. It took a while but eventually I was able to explain things to her in a way that made enough sense that she was able to understand how important this was to me. I would strongly encourage you to not risk destroying your marriage looking for an outside solution.

First, I had to figure out what was going on in my own head. There was a pattern at play and I had to analyze when I most desired/needed to be spanked and when I didn't. Exercise reduced my desire (reduces my libido in general). When our sex life was hot and heavy, I was also not obsessed as much. Stress, however, was a trigger. If I was inactive, I would feel antsy like I needed to be spanked to calm down.

This directed me to think about the brain chemistry surrounding pleasure and pain. I've done a little research and I found the book "The Compass of Pleasure" to be very interesting. A couple things apparently are true for my chemistry (though as I am not a chemist, I've probably got most of the details wrong): 

1. the pain/pleasure boundary is fuzzy. I've always enjoyed very spicy food, endurance sports, and I have a high tolerance for pain.
2. the endorphin rush some experience from things like the runner's high is something that I am very sensitive to. Though the overload of the full on "runner's high" is about as rarely attained for me as it is for most people, I feel and crave the mini-doses that exercise produces.
3. in terms of dopamine, I feel the pleasure or satisfaction from overcoming a challenge. My life is relatively fear and challenge free. The fear associate with a spanking and the satisfaction of conquering that fear and of absorbing the pain of the spanking all release the good chemicals in mass quantities.
4. some studies have shown that after a successful BDSM scene, cortisol of both participants but particularly the sub is dramatically reduced. Corisol is basically a measure of stress: higher stress, higher corisol. Thus, as a stress reliever, a good and successful scene can't be beat.

My understanding of all of this is amateur at best but the upshot is that a good spanking is like hitting the reset button for me. I become angry, feisty, grumpy, short, distant, and generally non-functional before my spanking. Afterward, I am calm, attentive, relaxed, and I even feel smarter and more on task. The chemical rush about five minutes after the last spank lands is especially intense. Some people say that there is a crash after this but I have never felt that.

In addition, I have had some depression issues over the past five or so years. The occasional spanking's effect of hitting the reset button has also been very helpful. Afterwards, not only am I not depressed but I am also deeply in love with and connected with my wife. This might be because oxytocin is released as part of my sexual experience during spanking but I don't think that is the only cause.

Next, in the Freudian sense, I have eroticized something from my past. There were spanking situations from my youth but I think there is more to it than that. There were shame situations as well as experiences of fear of being found being bad.

What I think happened to me is that I was deathly afraid of 'the worst thing'. To deal with that, I created fantasy scenarios where the worst thing happened. Like dreams, I lived my fears in my imagination. During adolescence, those fantasies became sexual and basically stuck. Through sexual fantasy and, of course, lots of masturbation, I was able to play out the scenarios and find a sexual release. The fear enhanced the excitement but the story or theme of spanking gave me a context to confront my deepest fears, needs, desires, et cetera.

That probably doesn't explain very much. The point is that my fetish or kink is about as strange as a man wanting a woman with big boobs or a woman desiring a husband that is calm and in control.

There is a book called "Your Brain on Sex" or something like that which was very helpful to me though I think the psychology of the book is a little stale.

Also, there is podcast by "Sex Nerd Sandra" called "Healthy Kink" (23 Jan 2013) where Sandra interviews Ryan Witherspoon about kink which was very helpful to me. It was so good that I had my wife listen to it.

For me, I need the sexual tension of spanking as well as the violence of the thing. The sexual tension is essentially what I am being punished for. My sexual response is inappropriate and I am being spanked because I think spanking is sexual. That I eventually orgasm during my spankings is just embarrassing and more or less proof in my mind that I am being rightly punished. My wife does not play this mind game with me; it is entirely in my own head.

I am always spanked before, usually during, and almost always after I ejaculate. I've never dared to ejaculate before being spanked though I find that very exciting to think about. Usually the scene is that I am being punished but can't control my sexual response like a teenager getting an embarrassing erection on the bus or in class. Eventually, the erection that is ignored by my punisher throughout runs its course resulting in ejaculation during my spanking. In my fantasy, the ejaculation is utterly embarrassing and without pleasure but in real life, they are strong and powerful.

I bring this up because it seems that my ability to enjoy a sexual response during a spanking is the most deviant part of my kink (spanking isn't even considering kinky anymore because it is so mainstream). It was difficult but essential to explain to my wife. More on that later.

I would suggest that you have a discussion with your girl and explain how important to you this is. She doesn't have to enjoy it or even really understand it because I am sure that you don't fully understand it either. I cornered my wife in the car (I was driving) and we had an hour to talk. One point that you need to stress is that you aren't sick. This isn't a disease. You can't get psychological help for this. I suppose you could but it would be expensive and probably not as fulfilling. Someplace in your past, the wiring got set and this is the way it is.

I came to my wife basically begging. I love her and didn't like where my need to have this fulfilled was pushing me. I wanted her to help me explore my needs. I felt like there was this part of myself that was off limits to her--my partner that I trusted with everything in my life--and that I couldn't be open with her about this part of me. Because of that, I felt like I was keeping something from her. I wasn't being completely open and honest. I wasn't trusting her and I wanted to trust her with even the most sensitive, scary, delicate, and dangerous part of me.

It went surprisingly well. I asked her to help me explore this part of me and she said yes. I didn't make my plea angrily or like a submissive. I was direct but nervous. It was clear that I was scared out of my mind. I had wicked dry-mouth and I kept stuttering and pausing to collect myself.

Another point that I made very clearly right up front was that our sex life, our married life, our life in general was not going to change. This was something I needed in addition to what our happy life was. I have, I think, lived up to that and in some ways it has made our sex life better. I am free to enjoy vanilla sex with my wife without wishing spanking was involved because there will be another time set aside for indulging my spanking needs.

At this point, you have to realize that you are going to have to compromise. I would like full-on role-play, domestic discipline, scheduled maintenance spankings, punishment spankings for minor infractions, impossible rules, costumes, and going to munches and parties. That isn't going to happen for me. I compromise by playing out the story in my own head and giving her just enough information to make my bottom burn at the appropriate time and intensity.

In other words, keep it simple. At least at first, keep it very simple. No speaking parts for her especially. Code words (green = more, yellow = back off a little, red = stop). Set a time, number of spanks, or some other indication of when it should be over. If you haven't been spanked regularly, make sure she gives you a warm-up before really laying into you. Otherwise you will bruise and freak her right out. Don't cry the first time. Don't freak her out at all. Actually, keep it safe the first couple times so you don't freak yourself out either.

I would suggest that you be thankful. Overly thankful. Get your romance on. Flowers. Dinner. Chocolate. Lavish praise. Clean the house. Do something for her that she has wanted you to do for a long time. You want the message to be "thank you so much. I totally needed that and the more than happens the more <this> will happen."

More than that, after she spanks you, you must be happy and pleasant to be around. A weight has been lifted. Serve her joyfully and thankfully.

A couple other bits of advise from someone that cracked this code:

- Be honest about what part of spanking is the part that works for you. I am weird that I need to ejaculate during my spanking. The sexual aspect is, therefore, important to me and the focus (rather than the submission aspect). My wife doesn't need to play with my penis or touch me at all, but I will be erect and probably playing with myself. I just had to get the courage together to say that "yes, I find this sexually exciting and if everything goes right, I will probably have a sexual release at some point." Once that was out and understood for what it was, the one time I didn't ejaculate became the weird experience and not all the times that I did.

- Don't make her give you a hand spanking. You are a big boy; get your spanking with something that will hurt you and not her. We have a variety of things that I've picked up over the years. The favorite is a bath brush about a foot long with a business end measuring 4" x 6". It is still one of the most severe in the arsenal. I also have an oak paddle and I made, a big wooden spoon from Wal-Mart, and then some specialized paddles from one of the online places. Stuff from Fascinations and the other main-stream adult stores is pretty weak.

- If you like to be humiliated or embarrassed, again, be honest about it. I like her to be clothed and me to be entirely naked and excited. It is a little embarrassing and I like that. I like be afraid and nervous. I also like being sort of out-of-control sexually excited. If this gets you off, she has to know that because otherwise it will be really uncomfortable for her. In other words, she has to know what you want to feel so that when she sees you feeling that, she knows that she is doing it right and you are getting what you need.

- My wife really hates me in a submissive role. She hates that look on my face. She likes her man strong, confident, and able to protect and care for her. My persona during spankings is about the least pleasing aspect of the scene for her. Part of the compromise is that I don't go fully into a serious subservient place. I keep things a little light and I actually stay in control of the scene. I sort of need the scene to play out in a particular way for me anyway but rather than being all passive aggressive about it and code wordy, I just remain a little more in control.

- Alcohol helps. I never drink before a spanking but I try to get a couple good strong drinks into my wife. This helps her step in the role easier. I think she has fun sometimes (though she doesn't like to admit it).

- Many of my spankings now are big multi-part scenes where I get spanked once and then we do something, and then again, and we do something else, and then finally I get spanked over her lap and ejaculate. I love those but the time commitment is huge and sort of stretches the scene out over the whole evening. Don't make the scene too complicated and if there is a complicated scene one time, make it really simple the next time. A 10 minute long spanking is plenty long and really not a huge time commitment.

- When it is done, it is done. Be done with it and go back to life the way it normally is. Be thankful and whatnot but don't talk about the spanking with her for hours afterwards. Note that I have blog where I process so that I don't process with her.

- I always ask for a spanking a day or two before. If we agree on the time, then I let it go and I don't talk about it. In my head, I am a mess of anxiety and anticipation. Outwardly, we are just going along like we normally do. I'll usually remind her the day of by just mentioning that I am nervous about what I going to happen that night or whenever. That's it.

- What you want for the scene--the plan, as I call it--needs to be stated at some point. Make the time when you outline the plan close to the spanking. The less you say, the better.

- Waiting sucks and is awesome. Let her know that there is no rush but you are ready for your spanking whenever she is ready to give it to you. Then get out of her hair.

So, good luck. You aren't sick and there is nothing wrong with you. People that are into this are no more diagnosed with mental illness than people that aren't into this.

Lastly, be direct about the mechanics of spanking. My girl needed a little gentle education about this. Make sure she knows to concentrate on the sit-spots and away from the lower back. I like being open and spanked right on the crack. I think this is because I feel my prostate stimulated. It is embarrassing and that triggers me. It is also very sensitive. Point is, talk about pace, intensity, pattern, and that sort of thing. Don't assume that she will know what a spanking is or isn't or that she will have any idea what it means to you. When she does it right, let her know.

Good luck and let me know how it goes for you. -John