No Permission Part 2: The Reality of the Thing

I am always interested in how the fantasy and the reality differ. Sometimes, of course, the fantasy is better than the reality. It is sad when that happens because this can sometimes ruin the fantasy. I would love to be brought to the point of crying my eyes out except that if I was crying my eyes out, I'm guessing that the trauma would be significantly worse than even a very severe spanking.

Most of the time, things are just different and many times the different is good. I think there is an additional challenge in BDSM where the scene doesn't always play out according to plan. Having a plan is important but improvisation is more the true mark of a genius.

The plan was to spend a couple hours doing chores and running errands getting spankings between each task so that I was constantly in pain and arousal. The last spanking was going to be the hardest and involve the hairbrush paddle. I was going to be against the bathroom counter facing the mirror with my erect penis resting on my towel on the counter. As she spanked me, I was going to be able to rub against the towel until I needed to squirt on the towel. I would ask for permission to make my mess, but she would just deny me until I finally couldn't wait, squirted while apologizing, and then earned myself a real blistering after I was done.

Most of the first couple spankings were awesome. We started later than I wanted to and the anticipation was deliciously awful. During my warm-up over her lap, I almost popped. Ten minutes later, I was in the same position getting a little harder spanking (the warm-up was more intense than normal even), I got close again. It was awesome edging during those spankings but I was very worried about the fun ending too soon.

Over a couple hours, we worked through almost all the spanking implements and lots of positions. Most of the positions were such that my penis wasn't in contact with ANYTHING so that I was maximally frustrated. After each spanking, I was always rock hard even though I wasn't always standing at complete attention beforehand. As I went about my next task, I would find myself dripping long stringy drops of pre-cum on my legs. The head of my penis was either cold and wet like a dogs nose or caked with dried pre-cum flaking off.

Eventually I ended up against the bathroom counter getting big cracks with the oak paddle. I was in the position I thought might work for my cummy spanking and indeed the position seemed good. It was cool to look down and she myself grow super hard as she paddled me. I suggested that we "finish" in that position later and she agreed.

Later came at the next spanking because we were running out of time. I had only recovered just a little from the paddle which made me good and nervous about getting a long brush spanking. 

I folded the towel a couple times so that it was a little higher and softer. The first problem I noticed was that I couldn't really push down on the towel. As she started spanking me, I rocked my hips back and forth. Though it felt good, it didn't feel great and when I am getting the brush, it has too feel great for me to cum.

This is where different can be better. I leaned over the counter a little in order to push down and get more friction but this meant that I was more open to her. Though I liked feeling my bottom jiggle embarrassingly at each spank when I am standing straight up, it hurt more and deeper when I was bent over. I had to ask her to go a little softer so I could get closer and she let thankfully did for a while.

I could feel myself getting closer and asked her if I could squirt. We had agreed that she would just deny me but we both suck at pretending, acting, and make-believe. She said 'no' and started spanking harder which was a nice touch. I slowed down but kept grinding because I was worried that if I stopped, I wouldn't be able to get back to the edge. The need was great and I asked again and got another simple 'no'. She was playing the role but clearly not able to really let herself get into it. I decided not to ask again.

I held out as long as I could and then just apologized repeatedly saying something like, "I'm sorry, I can't keep it in." It felt like I was apologizing profusely but I suspect that I was actually pretty quiet and inside myself. I wanted to rear back when I came so that when I came, the puddle would be at the near edge of the towel. That didn't happen. Instead, I was pressed tight against the counter and fully extended across the towel. Big spurts pulsed out in a just a second of bliss. For just a few second, the spanking didn't hurt and it was all about what we were watching on the towel. It was even pretty cool to see my own cock go off all by itself.

The only problem was that in my fantasy, I would be forced to push my shrinking penis into and through the puddle while she ruined my orgasm by spanking all the good feelings away. Because of where I was when I came, I just shrank away from my little dollop of semen. She really did put the heat to me though and it felt like she kept it up for minutes but it couldn't have been that long.

Of course, in retrospect, I shouldn't have tried to pretend so much. Neither of us are good at it. I wish I could lose myself in the moment and the role but I am far too self conscious to let go. Perhaps there is a chemical solution to that problem but I don't think there is. In fact, I like being clean and sober though the idea of sporting a persistent Viagra fueled erection sounds pretty cool.

I should keep the dialog in my head unless she is into it. If she isn't totally sold out on the thing, I am just a mess of self-doubt worrying about what she thinks of me. I've noticed that she needs to be herself and not some alter ego. Certain things, places, positions, and such work for her but only when she is present. I, on the other hand, want to be someone else. In fact, I am always struggling to be someone or something else. She is just comfortable in her own skin but I am always fighting against myself.

Still, it was great and, like aways, I can't believe how lucky I am to be married to a woman that is understanding enough to step out of her comfortable place to indulge me. But it is more than that and we both know it. She pushed the reset button. She cleared my head. She brought me back to earth. She gave me what I needed and I just hope I can somehow show her how much I love her.