An Open Letter To Spanko Men Married to Vanilla Spouses

This began as a letter to whackedwell.tumblr.com but after a while took on a life of its own and became a general letter of advise to men that like to be spanked but who are in relationships with vanilla women. I hope it is of value to someone out there. :)


Dearest WhackedWell,

I too have struggled with the vanilla spouse situation but I have reached some level of success in getting what I need. It took a while but eventually I was able to explain things to her in a way that made enough sense that she was able to understand how important this was to me. I would strongly encourage you to not risk destroying your marriage looking for an outside solution.

First, I had to figure out what was going on in my own head. There was a pattern at play and I had to analyze when I most desired/needed to be spanked and when I didn't. Exercise reduced my desire (reduces my libido in general). When our sex life was hot and heavy, I was also not obsessed as much. Stress, however, was a trigger. If I was inactive, I would feel antsy like I needed to be spanked to calm down.

This directed me to think about the brain chemistry surrounding pleasure and pain. I've done a little research and I found the book "The Compass of Pleasure" to be very interesting. A couple things apparently are true for my chemistry (though as I am not a chemist, I've probably got most of the details wrong): 

1. the pain/pleasure boundary is fuzzy. I've always enjoyed very spicy food, endurance sports, and I have a high tolerance for pain.
2. the endorphin rush some experience from things like the runner's high is something that I am very sensitive to. Though the overload of the full on "runner's high" is about as rarely attained for me as it is for most people, I feel and crave the mini-doses that exercise produces.
3. in terms of dopamine, I feel the pleasure or satisfaction from overcoming a challenge. My life is relatively fear and challenge free. The fear associate with a spanking and the satisfaction of conquering that fear and of absorbing the pain of the spanking all release the good chemicals in mass quantities.
4. some studies have shown that after a successful BDSM scene, cortisol of both participants but particularly the sub is dramatically reduced. Corisol is basically a measure of stress: higher stress, higher corisol. Thus, as a stress reliever, a good and successful scene can't be beat.

My understanding of all of this is amateur at best but the upshot is that a good spanking is like hitting the reset button for me. I become angry, feisty, grumpy, short, distant, and generally non-functional before my spanking. Afterward, I am calm, attentive, relaxed, and I even feel smarter and more on task. The chemical rush about five minutes after the last spank lands is especially intense. Some people say that there is a crash after this but I have never felt that.

In addition, I have had some depression issues over the past five or so years. The occasional spanking's effect of hitting the reset button has also been very helpful. Afterwards, not only am I not depressed but I am also deeply in love with and connected with my wife. This might be because oxytocin is released as part of my sexual experience during spanking but I don't think that is the only cause.

Next, in the Freudian sense, I have eroticized something from my past. There were spanking situations from my youth but I think there is more to it than that. There were shame situations as well as experiences of fear of being found being bad.

What I think happened to me is that I was deathly afraid of 'the worst thing'. To deal with that, I created fantasy scenarios where the worst thing happened. Like dreams, I lived my fears in my imagination. During adolescence, those fantasies became sexual and basically stuck. Through sexual fantasy and, of course, lots of masturbation, I was able to play out the scenarios and find a sexual release. The fear enhanced the excitement but the story or theme of spanking gave me a context to confront my deepest fears, needs, desires, et cetera.

That probably doesn't explain very much. The point is that my fetish or kink is about as strange as a man wanting a woman with big boobs or a woman desiring a husband that is calm and in control.

There is a book called "Your Brain on Sex" or something like that which was very helpful to me though I think the psychology of the book is a little stale.

Also, there is podcast by "Sex Nerd Sandra" called "Healthy Kink" (23 Jan 2013) where Sandra interviews Ryan Witherspoon about kink which was very helpful to me. It was so good that I had my wife listen to it.

For me, I need the sexual tension of spanking as well as the violence of the thing. The sexual tension is essentially what I am being punished for. My sexual response is inappropriate and I am being spanked because I think spanking is sexual. That I eventually orgasm during my spankings is just embarrassing and more or less proof in my mind that I am being rightly punished. My wife does not play this mind game with me; it is entirely in my own head.

I am always spanked before, usually during, and almost always after I ejaculate. I've never dared to ejaculate before being spanked though I find that very exciting to think about. Usually the scene is that I am being punished but can't control my sexual response like a teenager getting an embarrassing erection on the bus or in class. Eventually, the erection that is ignored by my punisher throughout runs its course resulting in ejaculation during my spanking. In my fantasy, the ejaculation is utterly embarrassing and without pleasure but in real life, they are strong and powerful.

I bring this up because it seems that my ability to enjoy a sexual response during a spanking is the most deviant part of my kink (spanking isn't even considering kinky anymore because it is so mainstream). It was difficult but essential to explain to my wife. More on that later.

I would suggest that you have a discussion with your girl and explain how important to you this is. She doesn't have to enjoy it or even really understand it because I am sure that you don't fully understand it either. I cornered my wife in the car (I was driving) and we had an hour to talk. One point that you need to stress is that you aren't sick. This isn't a disease. You can't get psychological help for this. I suppose you could but it would be expensive and probably not as fulfilling. Someplace in your past, the wiring got set and this is the way it is.

I came to my wife basically begging. I love her and didn't like where my need to have this fulfilled was pushing me. I wanted her to help me explore my needs. I felt like there was this part of myself that was off limits to her--my partner that I trusted with everything in my life--and that I couldn't be open with her about this part of me. Because of that, I felt like I was keeping something from her. I wasn't being completely open and honest. I wasn't trusting her and I wanted to trust her with even the most sensitive, scary, delicate, and dangerous part of me.

It went surprisingly well. I asked her to help me explore this part of me and she said yes. I didn't make my plea angrily or like a submissive. I was direct but nervous. It was clear that I was scared out of my mind. I had wicked dry-mouth and I kept stuttering and pausing to collect myself.

Another point that I made very clearly right up front was that our sex life, our married life, our life in general was not going to change. This was something I needed in addition to what our happy life was. I have, I think, lived up to that and in some ways it has made our sex life better. I am free to enjoy vanilla sex with my wife without wishing spanking was involved because there will be another time set aside for indulging my spanking needs.

At this point, you have to realize that you are going to have to compromise. I would like full-on role-play, domestic discipline, scheduled maintenance spankings, punishment spankings for minor infractions, impossible rules, costumes, and going to munches and parties. That isn't going to happen for me. I compromise by playing out the story in my own head and giving her just enough information to make my bottom burn at the appropriate time and intensity.

In other words, keep it simple. At least at first, keep it very simple. No speaking parts for her especially. Code words (green = more, yellow = back off a little, red = stop). Set a time, number of spanks, or some other indication of when it should be over. If you haven't been spanked regularly, make sure she gives you a warm-up before really laying into you. Otherwise you will bruise and freak her right out. Don't cry the first time. Don't freak her out at all. Actually, keep it safe the first couple times so you don't freak yourself out either.

I would suggest that you be thankful. Overly thankful. Get your romance on. Flowers. Dinner. Chocolate. Lavish praise. Clean the house. Do something for her that she has wanted you to do for a long time. You want the message to be "thank you so much. I totally needed that and the more than happens the more <this> will happen."

More than that, after she spanks you, you must be happy and pleasant to be around. A weight has been lifted. Serve her joyfully and thankfully.

A couple other bits of advise from someone that cracked this code:

- Be honest about what part of spanking is the part that works for you. I am weird that I need to ejaculate during my spanking. The sexual aspect is, therefore, important to me and the focus (rather than the submission aspect). My wife doesn't need to play with my penis or touch me at all, but I will be erect and probably playing with myself. I just had to get the courage together to say that "yes, I find this sexually exciting and if everything goes right, I will probably have a sexual release at some point." Once that was out and understood for what it was, the one time I didn't ejaculate became the weird experience and not all the times that I did.

- Don't make her give you a hand spanking. You are a big boy; get your spanking with something that will hurt you and not her. We have a variety of things that I've picked up over the years. The favorite is a bath brush about a foot long with a business end measuring 4" x 6". It is still one of the most severe in the arsenal. I also have an oak paddle and I made, a big wooden spoon from Wal-Mart, and then some specialized paddles from one of the online places. Stuff from Fascinations and the other main-stream adult stores is pretty weak.

- If you like to be humiliated or embarrassed, again, be honest about it. I like her to be clothed and me to be entirely naked and excited. It is a little embarrassing and I like that. I like be afraid and nervous. I also like being sort of out-of-control sexually excited. If this gets you off, she has to know that because otherwise it will be really uncomfortable for her. In other words, she has to know what you want to feel so that when she sees you feeling that, she knows that she is doing it right and you are getting what you need.

- My wife really hates me in a submissive role. She hates that look on my face. She likes her man strong, confident, and able to protect and care for her. My persona during spankings is about the least pleasing aspect of the scene for her. Part of the compromise is that I don't go fully into a serious subservient place. I keep things a little light and I actually stay in control of the scene. I sort of need the scene to play out in a particular way for me anyway but rather than being all passive aggressive about it and code wordy, I just remain a little more in control.

- Alcohol helps. I never drink before a spanking but I try to get a couple good strong drinks into my wife. This helps her step in the role easier. I think she has fun sometimes (though she doesn't like to admit it).

- Many of my spankings now are big multi-part scenes where I get spanked once and then we do something, and then again, and we do something else, and then finally I get spanked over her lap and ejaculate. I love those but the time commitment is huge and sort of stretches the scene out over the whole evening. Don't make the scene too complicated and if there is a complicated scene one time, make it really simple the next time. A 10 minute long spanking is plenty long and really not a huge time commitment.

- When it is done, it is done. Be done with it and go back to life the way it normally is. Be thankful and whatnot but don't talk about the spanking with her for hours afterwards. Note that I have blog where I process so that I don't process with her.

- I always ask for a spanking a day or two before. If we agree on the time, then I let it go and I don't talk about it. In my head, I am a mess of anxiety and anticipation. Outwardly, we are just going along like we normally do. I'll usually remind her the day of by just mentioning that I am nervous about what I going to happen that night or whenever. That's it.

- What you want for the scene--the plan, as I call it--needs to be stated at some point. Make the time when you outline the plan close to the spanking. The less you say, the better.

- Waiting sucks and is awesome. Let her know that there is no rush but you are ready for your spanking whenever she is ready to give it to you. Then get out of her hair.

So, good luck. You aren't sick and there is nothing wrong with you. People that are into this are no more diagnosed with mental illness than people that aren't into this.

Lastly, be direct about the mechanics of spanking. My girl needed a little gentle education about this. Make sure she knows to concentrate on the sit-spots and away from the lower back. I like being open and spanked right on the crack. I think this is because I feel my prostate stimulated. It is embarrassing and that triggers me. It is also very sensitive. Point is, talk about pace, intensity, pattern, and that sort of thing. Don't assume that she will know what a spanking is or isn't or that she will have any idea what it means to you. When she does it right, let her know.

Good luck and let me know how it goes for you. -John