In Between

I love the idea of getting spanked weekly or daily even. I think I might even like it at least for a while. The idea of a lifestyle where she spanks me regularly or even irregularly at her will excites me and makes me curious. However, the nature of my desire is that I don't need it very often. The reality is I get a spanking less than once month on average.

I thought I should write this because otherwise it looks like I stopped blogging. I have't written since The Appointment spanking happened. Of course, this is itself silly because I have no 'loyal' readers. Was anyone dying to hear my next installment? Hello, is this thing on?

So why do I need spankings when I do? I have a couple ideas.

There is a stress component. When under stress from life, work, or whatever, I feel like a coil of responsibility is tightening in my core. My life is in my hands. I can make the day or screw everything up. I am in control and for the moment it is too much. Well, not too much. It is unpleasant and the unpleasantness makes me perform poorly. I am on edge and I sound angry. It doesn't suit me.

A couple things reduce the stress and release the coil. Calm, relaxed and collected, I can execute. Exercise is good but very time consuming and it has the side-effect of sometimes completely wiping me out. As an endurance athlete, getting to the point where I have the necessary chemicals released though exercise (endorphins, dopamine  adrenalin, cortisol, oxytocin) requires a stunning amount of time.

Instead, fifteen minutes of painful eroticized humiliation brings on the good chemicals of pleasure, emotional connection, and does something with cortisol which seems to reduce stress for me. There is this moment after the scene where I feel myself really relaxed.

Point being, there is certainly a chemical need for what happens. That is nice but I think if that was all, I would lean on exercise or find a way with medication to do the same thing. There are lots of ways to trigger dopamine and oxytocin. Cortisol is trickier but can be done. Adrenaline and endorphins can be triggered with a good hot sauce. I can make it happen.

Spanking eroticizes both good and bad things for me. I remember terror as a child of what it would be like if I was punished and embarrassed. One time I was embarrassed in front of the entire class and it was awful. My mind fixates on those times when I was powerless and in emotional or physical pain. I want to gain control of those terrible moments.

Today, I take those feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, and helplessness to a place where I can face them in a controlled environment. I am naked and posed so that my vulnerable parts are on display. My most private parts are punished and while the pain is delivered, I find pleasure in it. I conquer the pain with an orgasm of defiance. Albeit this is a short victory but my ability to withstand the pain is my true victory over all of the emotional pain I have endured.

From time to time I like to work through those feelings. It is like therapy.

Lastly, some of my earliest sexual feelings seem to involve spanking or a bottom or punishment or embarrassment. Strange memories like an instruction to tuck in my shirt so my  underwear doesn't show. Apparently that was a very bad thing. Another time, my mother told me about how a neighbor kid was spanked and suggested that "we do that". I said sure but pointed out that I never got in trouble. It was a little weird thinking that my mother was devising ways to spank me even though I never did anything that even got me grounded.

Another time my mother was having her usual demon possession time of PMS and warned my sister and I that if we weren't well behaved she would spank us with a wooden spoon until our butts and the backs of our thighs were covered in bruises. It was surprisingly vivid imagery. It wasn't until much later that I wondered why that exact scenario was in my mother's brain. Did she want to spank us? Was she into spanking?

My sister and I would sometimes role-play while home alone. More than one time the game was that I was supposed to clean but when I didn't, she would spank me. One time when were playing this game, the spanking implement was a big piece of paddle shaped wood. I misbehaved vacuuming (I think). Somehow I ended up naked laying on the couch with my hairless erection pressed against the rough fabric. She only gave me a couple swats before I was promising to be good and begging her to stop. I was stunned how bad it hurt. We played more 'naked' games but I think the paddle never made another appearance. Still, I remember vividly a good feeling that was probably my penis rubbing against the couch and then the overwhelming fiery sting of the padding.

Then there was my girlfriend with the spanking fetish. She would tell me stories of her childhood spankings and I would give her the occasional play spanking which in retrospect was probably not enough to satisfy her. One time, she turned the tables and it scared me that I liked it so much that I lied and said I didn't.

And, of course, the event I wrote about in my Tumblr that may have the most to do directly with what I've tried to recreate as an adult.

I don't have the itch right now. There is a lot going on that may be interfering but I don't feel like I need to be spanked. I think I know what I will ask for next time though:

Over the counter again and warmed up with the light paddle. Then the scary paddle for ten minutes like last time. The difference is that this time, less time between spanks. Last time, she waited until I got into position then waited or teased me for 10-15 seconds more. This was too much time between and I was able to cope with the pain. I want the pain to overwhelm me more. I want to be scared, worried, and fighting against panic.

After the 10 minutes over the counter, I want to go over her lap and feel the spoon and then the brush as I wiggle and grind myself to orgasm only stopping after I've fully completed my sexual self-gratification and then some more.

But I don't need it now. Soon, but not now. I'll let you know when and tell you all about it after it happens.