The Good and the Bad

My spankings start with an idea in my head usually shortly after my last spanking. I think about what went right and what went wrong. Then I construct the next scene sometimes to solve the problems, make up for some missing aspect, or to make the good parts bigger and just more prominent.

See, my wife is vanilla and mostly spanks me because she loves me and knows that I need it. I think she is enjoying it more these days. This may be because I am so thankful and in love with her afterwards. That said, she doesn't like role-play or scenes and she doesn't seem to be comfortable with whatever is going on in my head. She also says she doesn't like to hurt me and I completely believe her. She hates to see me in physical or psychological pain and most of the time I love her for that.

I invent the scene in my head and give her the bare minimum understanding of what is to happen. She has no lines and I use green-yellow-red  or other simple phrases to signal when things need to change, progress, or end. Truth be told, I am a little disappointed by this but a marriage is all about meeting each others' needs and she does the best she can. I do things for her that I don't particularly enjoy but I do them willingly, joyfully, and without reservation because I love her. I don't always sell it, but I try. Same with her. She tries but doesn't always sell it like she believes it. It's cool.

The scenario in my head was launched by the previous spanking where I was spanked bent over the counter. I was trying to take a big 'brave' spanking and if I took it bravely, she was going to put me over her lap and let me wiggle and hump until I made my little squirt. Then, after it was all out of me, she was going to use the bath brush to spank the good feelings of my orgasm away.

If I wasn't brave, I was going to masturbate in front of her and then get the brush. In a different scenario several months before, I got spanked over the counter, went to the bathroom to do my dirty business, and then came back out and went over the counter for the paddle. That was a very long walk indeed. We were both surprised when I leaned back over the counter. On a side note, I masturbated standing up and the orgasm was so powerful I almost fell over. The sensation of the stingy bottom, knowing that she was impatiently waiting, and the thought of what was to come was very intense.

Point being, I liked the threat of interrupting my spanking to masturbate my erection away but I really love squirting over her lap. I think we both knew that was what was going to happen and it did. She nicely spanked harder as I got closer prolonging my orgasm and making it that much more powerful. The failure was on my end--so to speak--because I fell apart and used the safe word too quickly afterwards.

I think that a good scene involves the submissive's edges being pushed in a way that makes them proud of what they can take. I wasn't proud of what I took. Because of this, the scene didn't release some of the stress I was feeling and it didn't build me up. My job brings me down sometimes and the occasional hard spanking eroticizes my frustration allowing me to overcome it as well as provides an obstacle that I can beat: the pain of the spanking. In other words, it is complicated and I am over-thinking the whole thing.

My solution to this was to buy a heavy and hard paddle that would put our existing implements to shame. What was I thinking? The new implement is a purpleheart oval paddle with holes from Paddlewerks and has a business end that nicely covers an entire cheek. The previous spanking ended right when the white-hot point was reached. Actually, it was only reached on my left cheek. I felt like I need to feel that burn and accept it. Perhaps, I thought, if she used a more severe implement at the end, I would push through that point quicker.

I. Am. An. Idiot.

It was a morning spanking again when she got home from work. I was waiting in my new underpants that have a flap over a hole so that my parts can stick out. I had to sleep in underwear the night before so that I didn't ooze pre-cum all over the sheets. I decided that a plain white t-shirt completed the look. She got home and I was waiting for her all covered up but mostly erect and obscenely tenting the briefs. She just smirked at it. I asked if I could take off the pouch and release my erection because it was uncomfortable and she let me. Truth be told, I had been erect all morning waiting for her without the pouch on the underwear and only put it on so that I wouldn't be standing in front of her with a boner when she walked in the door. I don't know why that was important to me.

I explained what I wanted to her after she got settled. The whole time I played with and lightly stroked my hard penis and shifted nervously from foot to foot. I explained that I thought I should cry (I've never sobbed while being spanked but I thought maybe my disappointment with myself over my last spanking would allow that to happen psychologically). She was clearly uncomfortable with that and I backed off. I did say that though I obviously really needed to cum, I thought most of the spanking should happen after I squirted and not before. Whereas many times I don't start squirming on her lap until after the warm-up and some pretty intense spanking with some of the more wicked implements, I wanted the spanking to get hard enough that I wouldn't be able to cum later. So, I was going to try right away. Convoluted, I know.

I wanted to be in the bedroom but she wanted another room. I didn't argue. I took the lexan paddle, leather slapper, Walmart spoon, brush, and the new paddle to the room she wanted. It has a couple chairs that we use but I wanted the chair in the bedroom because it really forces my butt up and opens me up more. I like the embarrassment and humiliation of spanking A LOT and that pike position makes me feel very exposed. Something about it also makes my butt jiggle and I hate it when my butt jiggles; it makes me feel fat or at least not firm, in shape, and manly. Men shouldn't jiggle is my point.

A note about the Walmart spoon. Apparently this is a thing because I swear I've seen the Walmart spoon mentioned elsewhere on the Internet. At least for a while they were selling this beast of a wooden spoon that I thought could only have one purpose. Buying it was itself humiliating and embarrassing. Because it was so obvious to me what it was really for, I figured everyone that saw me walking through the store also knew its true intended use. I had an erection for the rest of the shopping trip and kept hoping no one was getting a "People of Walmart" photo of me.

While I am off topic, the leather slapper was another awesome purchase experience. It is loud and stingy but not one of our harsher implements. I got it at one of the more friendly adult stores that have replaced the old seedy adult bookstores. The sales staff is usually pretty non-threatening there but the women I spoke to were a little strange. One of them held up the device to the other and talked about how at another store she broke one of these over someone's forearm. It was a strange thing to say in front of a customer that was buying the device presumably to spank with or be spanked with said item. Of course, I was already embarrassed buying it. I thought that if I looked confident and joked about the silly 50 Shades display, perhaps the sales girl would think I was the giver instead of receiver. I wasn't fooling anyone. Humiliation, embarrassment, shame equals erection and an uncomfortable walk to the car and drive home.

Back to the story: I got a folding chair and set it in the middle of the room. She sat down, set the towel over her lap, I thanked her for giving me a spanking, and climbed over her lap. The second my erection touched the terry cloth was electric.

But then I noticed the problem. The chair was too high and her thighs were not level. If I wasn't careful, I was going to slide off her lap. It was a little thing but I worried about the towel moving and all sorts of stupid things. But my penis felt awesome and then the lexan paddle--our default warm-up paddle--started cracking on my bottom.

She was hitting pretty hard right from the beginning and I figured that I had better focus and make my orgasm before the new paddle or the brush was selected. I started grinding against her mimicking sexual congress. It didn't take very long. I came under the wooden spoon (I think). It was good but not great because there wasn't a long build up. I wanted this. The ejaculation was necessary and my enjoyment was not. My bottom needed to get its punishment and my hard penis was in the way. My erection was my last vestige of being a man and now I could be a little boy and get my spanking. My penis was empty, my erection fading, and my protection against the spanking disappearing.

I am proud that I made it as far as I did. She used the brush for maybe 20 spanks and then switched to the purpleheart paddle. I didn't make it long at all before I was at the panic point. She stopped when I asked (though I've asked her to push me until I actually say 'red' but I might have said 'red'; it is all a blur). I lay there as she rubbed my back. Immediately I felt shame that I had stopped the spanking when I did. I could have taken more. I should have taken more. There were tears in my eyes but I wasn't really crying. I should have said 'yellow' instead of 'red'. I should have just reduced the intensity a little, regrouped and taken my spanking bravely, like I deserved it. Instead, I was a frightened and selfish little boy.

I'm making it sound worse than it really was. It was short and intense. I just have to remember that if it is going to be so fast and hard, the harder implements are too much. I keep thinking that I want just the brush like if I was really being punished. But the fantasy doesn't hold up to reality and unless she is willing to take control and really push me, I will just call it off when I start to panic. I want to panic and be held down and made to take my medicine.

So, live and learn. There will be a next time and I promise I will be braver then.